Women and Bad Boys: What Is The Attraction?

"Bad Boys".

If you're a woman, you may be saying "hmmm" as you hear these words. You know you shouldn't, but you just can't help yourself.

There is just SOMETHING about these guys that draws you in, even as your head tells you to "beware"!

So, what exactly is the attraction? It's not necessarily that they are more physically attractive or smarter or more successful than the "nice guys". In fact, they can have fewer of these qualities, yet be harder to resist.

So what is it? Let's begin by defining these guys. This term is generally applied to males who treat women poorly. Do these behaviors ring a bell?

*calling at 8:30 on a Saturday night to ask if you want to get together

*not showing up for a date- followed by no phone call or apology

*never having any money when you are out

* forgetting or ignoring your birthday and other important dates

*flirting openly with other women when you are together

*hitting on your good friend(s)

*making booty calls at 1am, after they've had a night out with others

*is doing time for a serious felony

Instead of asking "what is it about these guys"; let's instead examine what it is about the women who can't resist them. The following are actual statements from women who have a history of attraction to these guys. See if any of these sound familiar.

* "It's never BORING with him. He's unpredictable and exciting."

* "He's strong, aggressive and self-assured; I feel safe with him."

* "It's not his fault; he's trying to get his life together."

* "I haven't met anyone else that makes me feel the way he does."

* "He's so charming and passionate."

* "He tells me how much he likes me, so he must really feel something for me."

* "He needs me."

* "He doesn't come across as needy and desperate."

* "I can't believe I've attracted someone like him."

Now, on the face of these, they seem pretty benign. We all seek at least some of these traits in the men we choose. So, where's the problem?

Essentially it's in his inability to meet the woman's fundamental needs. She is the one doing all (or most) of the giving. The question then lies in; "what's in it for her?"

The answer can be found by exploring three basic issues:

*level of self-esteem

*capacity for intimacy

*roles that she has been in throughout her life

If a woman feels good about herself, she chooses a mate who communicates both verbally and non-verbally to her that she is valued and respected. She won't allow this other person to undermine her positive self-worth. She believes in her ability to participate in a healthy, reciprocal relationship.

If she doesn't feel good about herself, she chooses someone who reinforces her negative self-beliefs.

If a woman is capable of true intimacy, she is open to the true availability of the other person. She wants him to be a full and active participant in the relationship. She can allow herself to be open, vulnerable and able to take as well as to receive all that true intimacy offers.

If intimacy is difficult, she choose someone who is distant, hard to connect with and not emotionally and/or physically available.

If a woman has had a healthy role in her relationships since childhood, she will choose someone with whom she can continue this healthy interaction.

If a woman has been too long in the role of rescuer, caregiver or the one who sacrifices for the good of others, this will probably be the role she will seek out in her relationships.

Fortunately, most women fall somewhere in between on these issues. So the task is to evaluate yourself in each area and decide on a course of action that will help you to choose a "nice guy", who stirs your senses and meets your needs while being truly available for a real relationship.

Begin with an assessment of what you value most in life and cannot live without.

Go to http://www.consum-mate.com/newslets/02oct.htm for an article on "clarifying and living your values".

Once you know what is most important to you and believe that you are worthy of achieving it, you will have taken a giant step towards finding the right partner for you.

Toni Coleman, MSW is a licensed psychotherapist and relationship coach with over 20 years of experience. As a recognized expert, Toni has been quoted in many local and national publications including: The Chicago Tribune and The Orlando Sentinel newspapers and Family Circle, Woman's Day, and Star magazines. She has been featured on ABC News; Discovery Health Channel and AOL Online. As a weekly contributing commentator on the KTRS Radio Morning Show, (St. Louis, MO), Toni offers dating tips and relationship advice in response to listener feedback. Toni founded Consum-mate.com in 2002 to offer singles the knowledge and tools they need to find and sustain healthy, lasting love relationships. She is a member of The International Coach Federation, and The International Association Of Coaches.

More Resources

Great Things Cannot Happen Without Change
If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got.It's critical that we realize our lives can change at any moment.
Get a New Attitude
One of the first and foremost things to do to change your life is to change your attitude. Attitude is fundamental to the success or failure that we experience in our life.
The Big Secret
"Within you is the power to change your life"Lately I've been doing a lot of radio interviews promoting the release of my new book, Handbook to a Happier Life. During several interviews the host remarked that "Handbook" is a pretty simple book.
Five Ways to Sharpen Your Sense of Humor and Improve Your Relationships
Humor has long been considered one of the most effective tools to judge the quality of any relationship. If there is laughter present you can be sure the relationship is a healthy one.
Change Your Mind, Shift Your Life
Everyone can draw from the Universal Reserve Bank. What is it, you ask?It has taken me years of inner searching to realize the answer!I have come to believe each human being is wealthy.
Enjoy the Magic of Prosperity
There is an art and a science to prosperity. The art is playing with the magic of prosperity.
The Power You Possess
What you need to understand is that there is no barrier to what is possible. It doesn't matter what it looks like.
What is the Life Your Were Born To Live?
In my private practice for the past 15 years I have discoveredhow hungry we are to find deep fulfillment and loving, make wisechoices for ourselves and the planet, and walk in union with ourhigher guidance.Yet our days are filled with endless, empty lists of have-tos,shoulds, and must-dos.
Great Communication Skills
Having good communication skills in the workplace is important. This article will provide tips to take into account a rapidly changing workplace.
6 Great Ways To Improve Your Social Skills
If you are looking for a way to improve your social skills, there are many resources available that will assist you in refining your social skills and improving the way you communicate with others.It's not only possible to learn how to improve your social skills; it's easier than you think.
7 Tips to Make a Fantastic Impression on People Who Count
Making a fabulous impression on people opens doors for your business, personal, and career endeavors. People like charming people who make them feel comfortable.
Intuition: Your Best Moving Guide
Recently someone asked me, "What coaching tools do you use?""Tools?" I asked, bewildered. "I avoid tests and assessments.
Self-Divine-ation: Defining a Divine Future!
In some of my counseling and coaching sessions, my clients ask me to perform a reading to tell them their future. In many cases, my response is, "why don't you tell me your future?" They stop and stare, speechless.
Do You Have Your Best Life?
For many years I had a good life. My illness was reasonably under control, I had a nice relationship with my husband, I did work I didn't hate.
The Monkey And The Spreadsheet
When the mind was fidgety, like a monkeyWhen you felt restless, it helped to understand drives. The mind perceived, recognized and interpreted.
Better Than a Million Dollar Lottery Win
Do you remember the feeling of seeing someone you were attracted? It makes the heart bump, doesn't it?Have you ever stood on stage in front of a sea of faces that you know well and pulled out your notes to make a speech? Boy does the vibration of shaking liven you up!Have you ever felt the breeze on your face, either during a hot-air balloon ride or by sticking your head through the car sunroof? It wakes your senses up, doesn't it?And on a scale of 1-10 how much does your heart bump, body shake and senses wake when you do your day job? I bet you can practically do the tasks with your eyes shut. In fact I bet there are days when you feel like you did have your eyes shut?Most people don't feel awakened by their day jobs.
Getting What You Want Most From Other People
Very often in relationships we do not seem to be able to get the one thing we want more thananything else - the approval of other people. In fact the more we want it the more difficultit can be to turn the situation around.
The Magic of Mike
The woman stood over the stove stirring a pot of hot soup.She prepared it to ward off the bitter Minnesota cold, a cover-every-inch-of-your-skin cold, the kind that bites you and never lets go, the kind that makes auto engines demand heaters or they refuse to start.
Law of Attraction - What You Project You Receive
Do you know anyone who always seems to have bad luck? Nothing ever goes right for them. Conversely, have you observed people who always wind up OK despite what befalls them?What differentiates these two types of people? Their attitude, thoughts and actions are as different as day and night.
Complete Self Acceptance
One of the most important parts of Personal Mastery is 'Self Acceptance'. This is much more than the usual 'self esteem' issues that we hear about, although that's a part of it.

More Attraction Information:

Related Articles

Digging To The Root Of Your Problem
Most people have some aspects of themselves that they would like to change. But how often do you dig deeply to find the root of the problem?You have to address the issues that need to be changed.
Use Your Reset Button to Change Your Vibration
At every moment you can tell if the vibration that you are sending is either a positive one or a negative one by identifying the feeling you are experiencing. At every moment you have a feeling and that feeling is causing you to emit or send off a vibration - and in the 'vibrational' world there are only two kinds of vibrations; positive or negative.
Faith Creates Ideas That Create Wealth
For years it seems as though the secrets to obtaining wealth were only for a selected few. Yet the truth of the matter is that these "few" have chosen to apply the principles of prosperity (at least most of the principles) in order to obtain their status, while many chose to ignore them.
Mental, Emotional and Physical Prosperity
To create true, lasting prosperity, almost any guru can tell you that you must align your physical, mental and emotional states and actions. This all sounds very logical, but when it comes right down to it, most of us are not quite certain how to proceed.
The Manifestations Of Self
A man is captive within himself. He dwells in a freedom which is confirmed to bounds, he breathes in an ambience ensnared to limits, he nurtures a shriveled valiance with the quaint promises of trepidation, he is infinite to his content and eternal only to his perception.
It Doesnt Take Long To Become An Expert in The Law of Attraction
One of our Faculty, Christine Edick, has been the keynote speaker for several conferences for people in the 'career transition' industry. She received this short story, from one of the attendees, which demonstrates how easy it is to understand the Law of Attraction and to teach it to others.
Living Life to the Full: 20 Steps
1. Emotion: We are emotional creatures and as in all things avoid excess.
Feeding
The purpose of human existence is to send out impulses to influence the environment and people where one exists, and feed upon what is received in return. This is growth, and this is where we grasp our identification and validation.
The Good, The Bad & The Ugly
Most of us don't want to admit we have a dark side. And from that dark side we do attract some ugly stuff.
Do You Have an Exit Plan?
Recently, I came across something strikingly shocking, fascinating, obscure, and yet, completely obvious.Few of us have an "Exit Plan.
WAKE UP and Create Something
It's time for the "mainstream" to WAKE UP. The alarm clockis ringing, they keep hitting snooze, and in the meantime,the life they could be living is passing them by.
A New Beginning With The People At Work
There's a big opportunity here! The holidays bring a change in spirit in most folks. Even though they may be more tired than usual from all the demands of the season, they are filled with holiday cheer.
Want to Feel Rich? Shop Til You Drop...
Just about everybody gets them..
Beads-A Sign of the Times?
When you hear the word "beads," do you immediately think of jewelry? Or do you think of Rosary beads or some other non-jewelry use of beads-beaded dresses, headbands, belts? Perhaps you think of a country and western outfit, a studded, head-to-toe piece of jewelry.The first thought that enters your mind when you hear the word "beads" may date you and give away your age faster than physical attributes.
Whats Your Plan? Designing Your Future
So you have set your goals for the year. Congratulations!I have come to believe most of us set our goals for incorrect reasons.
You, Your Dream, Your Destination, and Your Life
Introduction"Where you find yourself tomorrow is a function of the decisions and actions you take today" -Akin A. AwolajaLike the song by Linda Ronstadt, "a dream is a wish that your heart makes.
How To Actualize Your Potential
Are you tired of struggling and trying to realize your dreams, yet constantly missing the mark? You know your potential but just keep on missing it.How do you know when you have actualized your potential? When you are in your full potential, there is an experience of joy.
Triggering Intention: How To Remember To Remember
You've got a lot to store in that brain of yours. Sometimes you need to remind yourself to remember something.
How We Evolved Into An Un-Charming Culture...(And What To Do About It)
Charm did not play a very large role in that arrangement. But times have changed (thank goodness) since the days of those primitive humans, and these days, charm can play a tremendous role in a leader's ascension to power, either in politics or business.
Principles for Total Prosperity In Business And Beyond
Are you looking for that "something" to give you the winning edge in your business? Is success still elusive even after burning both ends of the candle? Well, you may be looking for success in al the wrong places or you may not have an accurate picture of what true success is.In a fast-paced society that's driven by a mentality of "more is better," extreme stress and lack of fulfillment are inevitable in every facet of our lives, including work.