The Friend Crush: Is This Love Or Friendship

He's your good friend. She's your best confidant. You have known each other for a few years and have shared meals, movies, hobbies and vacations. You have confided to each other about your latest love interest and turned to one another for support when the relationship(s) failed. You can't imagine life without your good friend.

But for a while....

You've felt jealous of his dates. You've been overprotective of her since she has been seeing the jerk. You've been havingvery strong feelings of attraction and a desire for something more than friendship. Could it be that your feelings for him/her have grown into something more? If so, your relationship may have developed into a "friend crush".

You don't know what to do. You know you want to continue spending time together- more time. But it's getting hard. You fantasize about having more with this person and are beginning to feel like a jealous would-be partner. Do you pretend everything is the same? Do you start distancing yourself- hoping your feelings will go back to the way they were? Do you actually TALK directly and honestly with your friend about how you feel?

What will happen to the relationship if you make the WRONG choice?

Just as all people are unique, so are the characteristics of their relationships with others. There is no one-size-fits-all answer to this increasingly common dilemma. So, let's take a look at your options. You can:

* ignore your feelings, keep your boundaries in check and pretend everything is status quo

In order to choose this option, you must be able to deny your feelings so well that even you don't know what they are. You will also have to continue being comfortable on the sidelines while someone else has the relationship with this person that you desire. You will most likely be asked what you think of this or that person and be expected to be happy and supportive of your friend when they meet the right someone for them. In return for all this, you will still have your friend.

* begin to spend less time with your friend (crush) while seeking out new friendships to pursue and strengthen

This option will most likely cause confusion and hurt on the part of your friend who will wonder what happened. They may be understanding and accepting of your need to spread your wings and support you in doing what you need to do. Either way, you will see less of them and your relationship can weaken and perhaps disappear altogether as they move on with new people. If you can distance yourself for a while and no longer feel the romantic butterflies, you can always give them a call and may be able to pick up somewhere near where you left off.

* continue the relationship with your own hidden agendas - a desire for romantic intimacy and the hope that the person will realize that they feel the same way

If they become involved with someone else in the meantime, you can work to sabotage their new relationship or you can leave them wondering where all your anger and hurt feelings are coming from. You can spend a lot of time and energy handling it this way, without anything to show for your efforts but the loss of a good friend.

* have an open and honest discussion with your friend regarding your new feelings for them

This is the choice that seems to be the hardest for folks to make. Often what I hear from people in this position is that they fear "ruining the friendship" if they discuss their feelings honestly. While this is a very understandable concern, it isn't well thought out. It is emotional, not rational. Look again at the other options. Every one will bring about a change in your current friendship.

Why?

Once your feelings have changed, so does the relationship. Ignoring them, hiding them or distancing yourself will lessen your closeness and the positive dynamics that flow between good friends. You can't go back. You need to decide how you want to move forward or if this is an option for you. . It is also possible in choosing this option that you will learn that they have similar feelings for you that they were afraid to reveal. Therefore choosing this option could result in romance and a love relationship based on true friendship.

Intimacy exists in all close relationships. It is the ability to be completely open and vulnerable to another without fear of harm or rejection. So, by definition, we cannot be intimate with another while hiding or denying our true feelings and needs to them.

The choice will always be yours. Choosing wisely is about really knowing the options, the consequences they bring and what will be best for you and your friend.

Toni Coleman is a licensed therapist and relationship coach in private practice in McLean, Virginia. She specializes in working with singles that want to create lasting, intimate relationships. Toni has over 20 years of post-masters experience in relationship counseling and coaching with singles and couples. She is the founder and President of LifeChange Coaching and Consum-mate Relationship Coaching. She developed and teaches the Creating Lasting Relationships Training, a tele-workshop designed to help singles to define, implement and fulfill their life and relationship goals. She has also written numerous email classes for singles on all aspects of meeting, dating and relating. She is the author of the email newsletter, The Art of Intimacy, which goes out to thousands of subscribers monthly.http://www.consum-mate.com.

More Resources

Great Things Cannot Happen Without Change
If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got.It's critical that we realize our lives can change at any moment.
Seeing What You Never Saw Before
Have you ever bought a new car and then afterwards you started to see the same car everywhere? You were seeing what you never saw before.Let me explain.
Are You Irresistibly Attractive?
If you've done any reading on the subject of marketing, you've certainly heard the term "Unique Selling Proposition" or "USP."As a reminder, your USP is what positions you in the marketplace --- are you, or what you sell, the best, the cheapest, the fastest, the easiest, the longest lasting, the most reliable, the most prestigious? Your USP is what makes you distinct from your competitors, but it's often the thing first-time business owners don't fully understand.
Business Intuition: Using the HeartMind
Many scientific studies have demonstrated the reality of intuition for getting information which is remote in space-time. Remote is a euphemism for "can't be explained using currently accepted physical laws.
How Do You Choose To Deal With Your Life?
"It's choice - not chance - that determines your destiny." --Jean NidetchIt is not what happens to us in our lives that is important, but how we choose to deal with it.
To Be A Cut Above The Rest!
Mannerisms and personality traits go a long way in making impressions on other people. Some people unknowingly have mannerisms, which humor others.
Self-Esteem: The Foundation of All You Achieve
At its core, your sense of self-esteem or self-worth has a huge impact on how you live your life.It frames how you feel about yourself, how you relate to others, how much you achieve in your work - and how you feel about pretty much everything.
Digging To The Root Of Your Problem
Most people have some aspects of themselves that they would like to change. But how often do you dig deeply to find the root of the problem?You have to address the issues that need to be changed.
How to Get Rich
Got your attention, didn't I? I figured that title would get you to sit up in your chair and take notice. How to get rich? Hmmmm, let's take a second and think about how nice and wonderful it would feel to "be rich.
Pretending Your Life As You Want It - True Power Series
This is the sixth article in our "True Power" series. If you haven't been following the series, visit The ARTrepreneur to read the foundational material on beliefs before continuing.
Affirm Actions: Stop Lying to Your Soul and Make It Real!
I hear of so many people using affirmations as the universal remedy for everything that ails them. They wake up in the morning and verbalize their affirmations.
10 Simple Ways to Honor Your Uniqueness
One message we hear from the time we are children is that it is better to give than receive. It is best to be humble.
Overcoming Underearning - Recognizing the Problem and Taking the First Steps Towards A Solution
Underearning is a process of not really making enough to support oneself wisely and comfortably. It is usually rooted in a combination of poor information about how money actually works in the real world, limiting beliefs and attitudes about money, and a set of financially destructive habits related to organization and money management.
What You Sow You Reap!
Go into the fields and country lanes in the spring-time, and you will see farmers and gardeners busy sowing seeds in the newly prepared soil. If you were to ask any one of thosegardeners or farmers what kind of produce he expected from the seed he was sowing, he would doubtless regard you as foolish, and would tell you that he does not "expect" at all, that it is a matter of common knowledge that his produce will be of the kind which he is sowing, and that he is sowing wheat, or barley, or turnips, as the case may be, in order to reproduce that particular kind.
What Did I Do? Will Someone Tell me?
There are many systems, psychology analyzes and personality typing in order to help people understand one another.One of the areas that causes a lot of grief in business and especially in relationships, is that no matter what category you fall into you are either a:SayShowFeelDiscovering what the other person is in this area, can take you a long way in building relations, credibility, confidence and the ability to make the other person happy.
The Chi of New Homes: Feng Shui-ness and Destiny
When my wife and I were searching for a new Las Vegas home in 2002, we wanted it to have a solid foundation based on Feng Shui principles. My wife researched the essentials and we decided to build a home that met our needs and supported good Chi.
Faith Creates Ideas That Create Wealth
For years it seems as though the secrets to obtaining wealth were only for a selected few. Yet the truth of the matter is that these "few" have chosen to apply the principles of prosperity (at least most of the principles) in order to obtain their status, while many chose to ignore them.
Live Your Own Life
Are you living your life, the way you want to live?If your reply is in affirmative then you must be a very successful and powerful person in full command of your life and the circumstances. However, if your reply is in negative, then I am sorry to say that you are like millions of other people who are living the life being dictated by others.
Brainology... Lets Start Learning Something Everyday, Every Moment
Every normal human being learn in his life's each and every minute. He is gaining experience every moment.
How To Make Your Dreams Come True
Editors Note: Family Circle Interview (2003) with Dr. Wayne Dyer:Could 2003 be your lucky year - the one in which you fulfill a dream, improve your health, increase prosperity and feel happier?Absolutely, says bestselling author Wayne Dyer, whose latest book is 10 Secrets for Success and Inner Peace (Hay House).

More Attraction Information:

Related Articles

The Way of Attraction - Walking the Path
"Slowly, slowly, walk the pathand you might never stumble or fall.Slowly, slowly walk the path and you might never fall in love at all.
Turn Whats Bothering You Into A Blessing
That which you desire to remove from your life is a blessing that you haven't yet learned to appreciate. For life does not send misfortune upon you it sends you only love.
Other Peoples Opinions
In a society where interaction is part of everyday life, and other people form a vital part of life, other people's opinions are actually important in where we fit into society. However, we often think we know what other people are thinking and base our actions around those 'apparent' opinions.
You're Right to an Abundant Life
We are all part of the universe. The universe is a living, breathing thing.
Overcoming Underearning - Recognizing the Problem and Taking the First Steps Towards A Solution
Underearning is a process of not really making enough to support oneself wisely and comfortably. It is usually rooted in a combination of poor information about how money actually works in the real world, limiting beliefs and attitudes about money, and a set of financially destructive habits related to organization and money management.
The Take-off!
"I just can't start a conversation with women, and it's killing me. I'll see a female who I've been making good eye contact with, but I'm too shy to talk to her.
What Goes Around, Comes Around
Invisible Braces, Viable Solutions
Invisible braces, like Invisalign, are most popular among adults. For children and young teens, having traditional braces cemented to their teeth is almost a rite of passage.
Rising Above the Average
There is nothing more motivating than reading a story about someone who comes from a poor, difficult life and rises above it to do so much with their life. Reading about a person who had so many obstacles in their way and they overcame them to be the most incredible people.
The Number One Secret to Success in Business
Clarity!If there is such a thing as a "secret" to success in business (or life) then Clarity is it. Clarity IS the first step towards designing your ideal business.
Your Gut Instincts & Ability to Get Along Quiz
How well do you understand how gut instincts - yours and others - influence likeability, decision making and even attention span? Want to find out? Here are nine questions. Some answers may surprise you.
The Beast
What does one do when one is too old, too weak, and feels powerless and regretful? What does one do when one looks back at his life and sees nothing that was worth living for? What does one do when one sees the future coming to an end - the end of a journey? "The journey was not mine," said the old man. "What was that about? Why was I here? What was I suppose to do? Where am I going and will I ever come back? Come back to what, to whom and for what purpose?""What if I would come back, what choices would I have? What roads would I take? What would all this mean to who I will become once again? Would I live a life in fear, in a cage with limits, expectations and demands imposed upon me? Would I blindly follow instructions that would once again lead to destruction? Would I allow my soul to guide me? Would I let it grow, be nourished, and be what it needs to be? Or would I again stifle my inner core to waste, and to be lost as I had allowed it to be lost in this lifetime?"The old man sat under a large apple tree, leaned against its trunk with his legs extended in front of him.
Dreams
When I was a kid sitting in school I can remember looking out the window daydreaming of mountains, and skiing. These were just a few things I dreamed of doing.
Abundance or Scarcity: What Belief Do You Choose to Engage?
For the last several years, I have included on my email signature the following salutation "Peace and Abundance." This is a daily reminder that my success begins with how I engage my beliefs.
What to Do When Your Spouse or Your Friends are Negative?
This year (2004), I've completed over 64 seminars. And one of the most common questions asked is, "What do I do when my spouse, partner or friend is being negative?"As you practice Law of Attraction in your life, you become more aware of what you are attracting and start to understand that you can control what you attract with deliberate use of Law of Attraction.
Releasing Your Potential
In life, few people ever step up to live their lives at a higher level. They spend their lives wallowing in the circumstances that surround them.
Aspire to Be
Many individuals believe that they have to "live up" to another family member or idol. Some are even envious of famous icons and want to look, act, think and be like the stars of the big screen.
What's Bugging You?
Some people lure romance to them. Some folks magnetize riches.
Blushing
Blushing can be a curse. Blushers experience a range of effects, including loss of confidence and fear of meeting new people.
How To Become Insane
Somebody once said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting a different result. Optimal mental health, then, may include adapting your approach if you don't get the result you want.