Foolproof Customer Service Strategies (That Only A Fool Would Try!)

Ever notice how customer service varies from store to store? You walk into some stores, and before you can say "Buzz off!" a salesperson asks "May I help you?"

"No thanks."

"May I help you?" asks another.

"No thanks."

"May I help you?" asks a third.

When the store runs out of salespeople, you get to see the merchandise. This is called "in your face customer service"

Other stores take the opposite approach. When you can't find the right size adapter for your new portable electronic zapper gizmo thingy, you look for help in aisle three. Nobody there. Aisle four? Still nobody. Aisle five? Nope. Aisle six? Seven? Fifty-six?

This is called "run for cover customer service".

Then there is the equipment shop that welcomes you with open arms when your lawn tractor starts sounding like dentures in a blender.

"It just needs a routine cleaning. We charge $150 for that," the friendly salesman says. Then he lowers his voice. "But you could probably do it yourself."

You commend him on his helpfulness. He beams with pride. "Yup. I thought it up by myself. Whenever a customer tries to fix something at home, we make a whole lot more money the next day. Think my boss will give me a raise for this?"

I call this "do-it-yourself-extortion".

And what about the three companies that came to quote on some ductwork? Each looks around, takes some notes and promises to get back to us with a quote.

We wait. And wait. And wait.

We call back the first company, which promises to get back to us with its quote. It makes the same promise consistently each time we call. I just love a reliable company.

This is called "consistent filibuster customer service".

We call the second company. We call them in the day. We call them in the night. We call them in the dark. We call them in the light. We call them in the morn. Well call them at high noon. We call them at dinner, and by the light of the moon.

Even bad poetry doesn't help. I just love a company that doesn't pester me by answering the phone.

I call this "Invisible Man customer service".

In the end, we choose a third company. To what does it owe the winning bid? Excellent quality? No. Great price? No. Strong guarantee? No? Answering their phone? Yes.

We hire the best paperwork fillers to renovate our ductwork - and we cross our fingers that we never have to choose a heart surgeon that way.

I call this "present-at-attendance customer service".

Our pest control company showed us a different approach.

"Honey, the flies are getting in the house. Time to call Pest Control Guy."

"OK, I'll do it right after I answer the phone. Hello?

"Hello, this is Pest Control Guy. When would you like your annual pest controlling?"

"How did you know? Well, as soon as possible. Hold on, that's the door bell."

"Hello, this is Pest Control Guy."

"But, you were just on the phone."

"You said ASAP, so here I am."

I call this "customer service on steroids".

If you own a business, run a family or do anything that brings you into contact with other human beings, please take note. One of these customer service styles is actually good.

"Hello, this is Pest Control Guy."

OK, that's enough. We don't have pests in this column.

"Hello, this is Pest Control Guy."

By the way, if you want to provide feedback to this column, I'll be holding my hands over my ears and singing the Klingon national anthem. I call that "satirical customer service."

"Hello, this is..." SWAT!

(Please email me at Info@TheHappyGuy.com if you have any customer service stories you would like to see in a future column.)

About The Author

The author is David Leonhardt. To receive his satirical happiness column weekly, sign up at http://TheHappyGuy.com/positive-thinking-free-ezine.html or read more columns at http://TheHappyGuy.com/self-actualization-articles.html. This article first appeared at http://TheHappyGuy.com/customer-service.html.

More Resources

Unable to open RSS Feed $XMLfilename with error HTTP ERROR: 404, exiting

More Customer Service Information:

Related Articles

Proofs of Delivery and Logistics: Speeding Throughput and Avoiding Pitfalls
It should be a straightforward business scenario: making sure that the delivery documentation from the supplier or haulier matches up with the documentation at the target destination.However life is rarely straightforward, and if problems do arise, order completion times and cash flow will inevitably suffer as a result.
Listen to Suggestions
If you are up to your ears in a stressful situation, it becomes difficult to think clearly. Sometimes, it is best to walk away from a problem, and think about it, rather than try to solve it with an instant solution.
Retail Store U-Scan Machines: Self-Serve or Voluntary Part Time Job?
Do many of us realize that we are working an unpaid part time job for the grocery stores and some home appliance stores? We are ringing up our own goods, are not getting any price discount for doing so and are saving these retailers money.Each self-serve lane contains two to three self-serve scanners.
What Every Employee Should Know About How to See Customers Problems from Their Creative Side
Customer Service is a blessing and a curse; a blessing to the customer and a curse to you, the employee. At least so it seems.
Communicating for Profit and Customer Satisfaction
The President of a 200+ store division of a major retailer learned of a serious communication problem and commented that 'this was to be expected in large organizations'. Well, that clears everything up.
The death of customer servie
The other day a reporter call to interview me on the "Death of Customer Service". My first reaction was to deny that charge and claim that customer service is very much alive and well.
Renewing Customer Loyalty
Every business loses customers, but not many do much about getting them back. And that is a big mistake.
Customer Service - How Good Are YOU?
At 8.30 am a wealthy client (on his way to make a presentation to the local council at 9 am) walked into a store that sells photocopiers.
Customer Service, the Internets Primary Neglected Business Concern
Customer service is everything to a business. Just look at big, successful retail chains: They let you return perfectly good merchandise just because you changed your mind.
If Everyone Thinks They Give Good Service, Why Do We As Customers Think Its Poor!
First of all let's look at what customer service is all about.If you go into a shop and talk to anyone who works there you expect to be treated with respect, not sold to and to have en enjoyable experience.
Call Center Software - Your Tool of Choice in Customer Relations
The call center represents your first line of communication with customers and potential customers. Whether you choose to outsource this service or to establish an in-company call center, this is one area in which quality is paramount and cannot be compromised.
Customer Conversion Mistakes That Will Cost You
The following are common mistakes that Sales Managers and Owners make in the sales process which could be costing you thousands or even hundreds of thousands in lost revenue.- No system to capture and log prospect information/contact data on incoming ad calls.
My Child Has Opie Eye!
7:00 a.m.
Clients?Do You Really Need Them?
Running a successful business takes a lot of energy and there are so many areas that as a business owner you need to pay attention too.It's not enough to spend heaps of time, money and resources into getting buyers for your goods and services and then leaving those clients/customers to their own devices.
Customers - What They Really Want - 6 Secrets of Customer Service
What customers really want can be divided into two areas.Firstly - they want the core service of your business tomeet their needs.
More Customers - Watch those Little Things
Two situations, two perfectly acceptable experiences, but in one case, an excitement about great service and in the other case, just OK.The LaptopI have a laptop which is under warranty - 5 working day turnaround they said when I rang them about a power problem.
Customer First Customer Service
The world of customer service is rapidly changing. Thirty years ago, telephones and mail services were the norm for most companies.
Mexico: Online Ordering-Dont!
I got it into my head sometime in December 2004 that I wanted order a laptop computer. I thought I would get one from the hugely popular computer company that allows you to call their 800 number and custom order what you want.
Becoming A Solution To Your Customers Problems
Those of us in home based and small businesses are in effect selling our product. So becoming an effective salesperson is very important.
DONT Give Your Customers What They Want!
One of the mantras we hear repeatedly in business is "The customer is always right." I'm here to tell you that if you want to build a thriving business you need to forget that saying, and take note of Payne's Law #1 "The customer is always right- some of the time.