Time Travel

Let me quote something you wrote. "When you reach the boundary between like and love, you know you are entering a different country. You are beyond newness and infatuation. You know what Shakespeare meant when he called love 'an ever-fixed mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken.'"

On one level, I agree with what you say. But I believe very few of us find what you describe. We end up settling when we reach a point at which we realize it is either that or being alone.

I, for one, have never felt what you describe and recently have come to terms that I will not. I am 50, outgoing, attractive and independent, with two children who are blessings I would never have if I did not "settle." I know I will never make that mistake again, and I find I am alone and probably always will be.

Is love the luck of the draw? Are some of us just luckier than others? Or is it something lacking in me? I would love to know.

Linda

Linda, sixty years ago the science fiction writer René Barjavel asked what would happen if you traveled back in time and killed your grandfather before he met your grandmother. Could this happen? If it did, you would not exist, so how could you travel back in time? This dilemma is known as the grandfather paradox.

When you "settled," how did you know the next man wouldn't have been the perfect one for you? How did you know the children wouldn't have been his and your children? When you are of the mindset of settling, you're not thinking of love but of other things--marriage, a house, children. You've traded love for a time schedule.

When you "settle" for a house, how many more houses do you visit with your real estate agent? None. How do you know the next house wouldn't be the one of your heart's desire? When you are dating, married to, or pregnant by a man you settled for, how likely is it you can see or be seen by the one for you?

It would be as easy for us to say your children would have been in your future, if you'd waited. Now you want to discount this idea again, but you are closer to it now than when you settled--because now you don't want to settle. This has more to do with patience than with luck. You don't stop trying to balance your checkbook until things balance.

Perhaps it is your fate to come to this knowing now. Why could this not happen for you now? Why not tomorrow or next month or next year? When you are living your life fully, engaging with others, knowing what you want, why not now?

Wayne & Tamara

Theoretically Speaking

My relationship started off as a holiday romance and has had trouble developing into a normal relationship. We met in Spain and fell for each other immediately. We were both over the moon, but when we moved in together, things began to deteriorate.

He wasn't sure what he wanted. I felt neglected and reacted badly by contacting an old flame. He thinks I nag. Once, in a rage, I told him I don't want to be with him anymore. Now he's angry and refuses to speak to me until he thinks things through. It upsets me because I know we're both very much in love, but no matter what we do we can't seem to make it work.

Jayne

Jayne, in science competing theories are tested against each other to determine which is true. You believe you and your boyfriend are in love. That is your claim.

We have an alternative hypothesis. It was a holiday fling. On our side we point to verbal rage, nagging, confusion, and unfaithfulness. What evidence is there for your theory?

Wayne & Tamara

Direct Answers - Column for the week of September 20, 2004

About The Author

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.

Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.

More Resources

Unable to open RSS Feed $XMLfilename with error HTTP ERROR: 404, exiting

More Coaching Information:

Related Articles

Words That Inspire - PEACE
WORDS THAT INSPIREA monthly quick shot to motivate you, in less than 45 seconds, from Julie Cohen CoachingHow might your PEACE impact the world?Dictionary*says:State of tranquility or quiet, freedom from civil disturbance, a pact or agreement to end hostilities between those who have been at war.What it REALLY means:The feeling of contentment with your life at present; your state of being when things feel comfortable, at ease, light; time in which you feel centered, calm and well.
Action NOT Reaction
Do you feel you are in charge of your life do you really believe that you control your destiny? Or you are of those people who feel manipulated all the time, they are doing things and they don't know, why? Do you have the sense that you are a wooden puppet that someone else pulls the strings?I have an answer for you.Psychologists have proven that human decisions are based on emotions, and once an emotional decision is made they use their logical part of the brain to justify that decision.
Boost Your Self-Esteem
What Is Self-Esteem?Self-esteem literally means to esteem, or respect, yourself. Having high self-esteem means that you have a positive image of yourself.
Flying in the Slow Lane
Dogs distrust hot air balloons. I gathered this tidbit as my husband and I floated over the mountains in a wicker gondola, listening to the barking chorus that followed us even 3,000 feet into the air.
The Incredible Rightness of Being
An Age-Old QuestionSearching for more meaning in our lives has been an age-old preoccupation for us humans. Why am I here? What am I meant to do? What's the point of it all? And, most importantly in the modern-day world, what is it that will make me happy?Dissatisfaction, or "Gimme More!"It is human nature that when we feel dissatisfied with something - be it our jobs, our homes, our relationships, or even our lives in general - we feel there is something missing.
Communicating with Case Studies
Not long ago, I made a partnership pitch, on behalf of an organization I represent, to another organization with similar interests. If the idea had come to fruition, it would have radically changed our organization.
Its Only Adult ADD-What A Relief!
For most of her fifty years, Barbara was at war with herself. Keeping organized, being on time, and finishing what she started were always a struggle.
Beware of Psychic Vampires
I am often asked how I stay happy and motivated all the time. The answer has two parts to it; positivity and self-talk.
What Are Your Priorities?
"The indispensable first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: decide what you want." -Ben SteinAt the end of every winter as warm weather and sunshine approach, I find myself keenly aware of where I'd like to be spending my time.
Do You Want to Impress Others? Then Don't Talk ?Listen
Recently my friend Michelle was concerned about a professional conference she was planning to attend with her husband, a veterinarian. She has no background in veterinary science, so she did not think she would be able to effectively communicate with the people at the conference.
Business Coaching - Ten Ways of Dealing with Mistakes You Made
You can either choose to dwell on what happened and get stuck in the past or you can choose to start using your energy to build your future. Either choice is okay.
Making Communication Effective: 4 Language Filters
Language is a challenging way to communicate. It allows us to share our thoughts and feelings by describing our personal views of reality.
Nothing is left to Chance
You are going to meet a very important client for lunch. What do you do? If you are anything like Anna the first job is to ensure the outside you is perfect, well dressed, matching clothes, clean shoes, washed in your favourite soaps, perfume.
The Power of Online Memberships
Have you ever noticed geese flying overhead, whether that be south for the winter, or back home in the spring? In Canada where I live, this is a regular sight and a sure sign of the seasons passing. From time to time, it's easy to notice that there is a certain pattern to the flying geese.
Dealing Effectively with Midlife Issues
In this article we would like to help you explore the challenges and opportunities that come at midlife. You will have an opportunity to take a look at issues that are specific to the Baby Boomer generation.
The Best Things in Life Are Rarely Things
Have you ever noticed this to be true?The best things in life for me are those things are not things at all. People and experiences make the biggest mark: a wonderful relationship, time with family, or a fantastic vacation that stays in my mind for years.
Top Ten Things to Build a Bridge and Get Over
God must love Top Ten lists because she made so many of them. They crowd my Inbox daily.
Is The Apprentice Bad For Your Health?
If you know who I mean when I say Kwame, Bill and Troy, you're probably a fan of The Apprentice. I admit I'm not a fan myself; I don't watch much television and that particular show didn't grab my interest enough to be "appointment" watching.
5 Tips to Improve ANY Performance
Seeking improved performance at work? Wishing you could finally achieve your sports-related goals? Merely looking for a way to get more out of everything you do? What follows are five basic skills (basic in that all top achievers know these skills and apply them in some form on a weekly basis) that will dramatically improve your performance.1.
The Enchantment of Tribes to Belong To
I am remembering and have a desire to share with you, a beautiful story told to me by a young lady. It was the end of the World War II and her dad was returning home.