Friends?

I met my friend when we were in graduate school, and we enjoyed hanging out together outside of classes. After receiving our degrees, we both left school to live in different states. That was 10 years ago.

We've kept in touch, but our phone conversations and twice-a-year visits became opportunities for my friend to talk endlessly about her problems. When I tried to fill her in on my own life, she obviously tuned out.

In the past few years I've not visited her at all and dread her occasional phone calls and visits to my house. She invites herself now because I no longer invite her. When she's at my home, she literally follows me from room to room, talking nonstop, until I make an excuse to get away from her. I tell her I need to take a nap, but I don't sleep. I sit in my room and read or enjoy the quiet.

Here's the worst part. She and her family, including two young children, are moving to our city. Her family has a small income, and they are buying a house in a grand neighborhood they can't afford. She asked if she and her husband and her children can stay at my home on their trips to our town to deal with house matters.

My husband and I have no children. Even though our home is tiny and perfectly sized for us, I let them stay. She told me her husband would start his new job before they finished purchasing this house. I felt obligated to offer him our guest room. If I hadn't offered, she would have asked anyway.

Now he's here, and it turns out he'll be staying on through the weekends. I am seething.

I would never, ever, under any circumstances impose on a friendship this way. I feel used, resentful, and don't care if I ever see her again. Should I end this friendship? I'm getting absolutely nothing from it but a knot in my stomach.

Lorraine

Lorraine, life hands us lessons all the time. When we don't learn the lesson, life gets more and more difficult until we do.

You were making and accepting calls from a woman you didn't even want to talk to. Now her husband is living in your house. Furthermore, she plans on moving in with her two small children. Where does this lead? Count on being a free, drop-in babysitter. Count on her asking you to pick up her kids after school. Count on imposition after imposition until you finally learn to say no.

Tamara often uses the example of oatmeal cookies. If you don't like oatmeal cookies, don't be "polite" and say you do. Otherwise you will always be offered oatmeal cookies, and friends will make you gifts of oatmeal cookies. That is why you cannot fake emotions out of a false sense of politeness.

Everything is being done to the advantage of your "friend." Nothing is to your advantage. This arrangement isn't working, and her husband needs to stay elsewhere. It is too much of an imposition. Call her tonight and tell her. Pick a day soon, like Friday, and tell her that will be his moving day. Let her know she and her family must make other arrangements when they move, whether their house is ready or not.

Don't waste time on long explanations or sugarcoat it. Make the call short and factual.

Wayne

Lorraine Triumphant!

You are so absolutely positively right. I am instant messaging my husband right now to discuss our visitor's last day. I think what I found most helpful is your pointing out that I'm accepting calls and visits from someone I don't want to talk to. It's so crystal clear. Thanks for giving me the kick in the butt that I need.

Lorraine

Lorraine, tonight we will lift our glasses and toast your victory.

Wayne & Tamara

Direct Answers - Column for the week of October 18, 2004

About The Author

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.

Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.

More Resources

Unable to open RSS Feed $XMLfilename with error HTTP ERROR: 404, exiting

More Coaching Information:

Related Articles

Its Not What You Think
My work in organizations involves dropping habitual ways of perceiving in order to contact a fresh and subtle perceiving "under the surface" of what is going on. That deeper sense of perceiving allows the emergence of what I call the Engaging Leader, or the genuine expression of myself and the collective.
That Little Bit Of Extra
The "little bit extra" is a very powerful concept to put into practice today in every aspect of your life. The difference between being ordinary and being extraordinary is that little bit EXTRA.
How to Give Yourself a Check Up From the Neck Up
When was the last time you did some dedicated physical exercise?Many people have realised that our busy and stressful lives need some balance. They are flocking in droves to gymnasiums all over the country.
Addiction to Blame
Allen consulted with me because his wife of 18 years had threatened to leave him if he didn't stop blaming her all the time. He admitted to frequently blaming her in a variety of situations.
Listening Skills In Relationships
Recently, when out to dinner with another couple, my husband is surprised at what someone says about one of our neighbors. He even comments this to the person about his amazement.
7 Destructive Habits of Incompetent People
WARNING! If you want to have a fantastic life, never engage yourself in these 7 deadly habits that incompetent people do. NUMBER 1 - They Think, Say, & Do Negative Things.
Do You Make These Common Mistakes When Talking to People?
Many moons ago. Talking to people was something I avoided where possible.
An Easy Way to End The Year
As a healthy business owner or independent professional, how do you end your year? Well, I tell my clients to stop working. That's right, stop working.
Do You Mind If Someone Screams At You?
A headhunter was on the other end of the phone. He was looking for an assistant to a CEO/Owner for a small, but very successful business.
How Can Sceptics Get the Proof They Need
Are you one of those folks that needs to figure-it-out all the time? Are you one of those Law of Attraction students who catches yourself saying things like, "I wonder how this is going to come to me?" or, "What do I need to figure out so I know what to do next (to manifest what I desire)?" Attention Law of Attraction Students!Stop trying to figure out where/how/when your manifestation is going to come! It's not your job!Here's a great tool that will help all of you 'figure-it-outers' reduce your need to figure it out. Those of you who are thinkers need to see it or know it before you can fully accept that The Law of Attraction exists and is working in your life.
Lessons from Donald Trump and The Apprentice: A Career Coachs Perspective
What can we learn about careers from watching Donald Trump and The Apprentice?1. Recognize that job tests don't always correspond to job realities.
Dont Be Jealous - Be Inspired
When we see people do things we cannot do, or have things we don't have, it might be tempting to be a little jealous. But, jealousy doesn't lead to anything except resentment, and that isn't going to help you.
Ten Ways to Make New Years Resolutions That You Can Actually Keep!
Are you one of the millions of people who make big New Year's Resolutions each year, only to watch those resolutions fall by the wayside mere days or weeks later? Would you like to be able to set New Year's Resolutions that you can actually keep? It might be easier than you think!Choose your resolutions carefully. These should be things that you really want and are ready to work on, not just things that you think you should work on.
What The Buddha Says About Coaches
There is a Buddhist saying that goes like this: "If you meet the Buddha on the road, kill it." This means to kill any concept of the Buddha as something apart from oneself.
Happiness and Work: Your Life Depends On It.
Early one morning, Robert awoke, made his wife of 41 years some banana bread, took out the garbage and called to cancel a doctors appointment scheduled for the next day. He wrote a note to remind his wife to pick up the dry cleaning.
3 Tips for a Great Summer - Developing Life & Business While Having a Blast
As the last day of school arrives I feel the same tendency I had as a child..
Plug in Your Systems for Success
Have you ever noticed that so many of us who work diligently and ethically rarely achieve our objectives? And, why is it that those who-seemingly-work half as hard and half as long experience one success after another?The answer is twofold; successful people succeed because they implement proven, systems for success. Secondly, successful people have mastered the art of making time, work for them.
Helping Relationships: Understanding the Helpee
One of the most distressing observations I have made among my social work colleagues, is the overwhelming proclivity on the part of many of us so-called helpers, to lack understanding and sensitivity to the position helpees are in when they agree to accept intervention.Many of us take "professionalism" out of context and become more of a burden to families than a helping resource.
Email Etiquette 1
I thought it might be worth visiting some email etiquette for all as the majority of the readers of this newsletter are now on email.It is important to consider that when emailing people you are on show, whether you like it or not, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Your Silent Voice of Experience
"I can't wait!" she exclaimed over the phone. The anticipation in her voice was evident as we scheduled a time to meet and discuss her new fund raising project.