How to Kill Fear When Dealing with Aggressive People

The book Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers is regarded as a self help classic. Have you read it?

I read it many years ago and I was disappointed by the content of this book that has helped a lot of people take control of their fears. Why? Because I believe we all have the power to go far beyond feeling the fear.

And I really think it is important to learn how to transform fear into courage by learning how to use more of your mind and how to take charge of your emotions.

There are two ways to take fear and transform it into a different emotional state:

  • Release the fear by letting go of it.

  • Change the way you represent the experience so that it no longer makes you feel fearful.

Today I want to look at changing how you represent experiences to yourself.

1. Pick a person you deal with on a regular basis who you find intimidating. Get started by choosing someone who causes you to feel mild fear.

2. Ask yourself -- what does it get me feeling fear around this person?

Typically you will answer that the fear causes you to be more alert and careful. However the irony is that when you feel fear you are less capable of responding well to the challenges of the situation.

Let me give you an example. When I lived the corporate sales life a number of years ago I had a crazy boss.

He would scream down the phone at me, thump the desk with his fist in meetings and threaten to fire me if certain goals were not achieved. I never took this personally because he treated other people in the same way. Still I did feel fear when dealing with him.

What did I get by feeling fear?

It meant I was careful to say the right thing and to do my job to the best of my abilities to ensure he had no reason to have another go at me.

Nevertheless it was not an ideal situation!

3. If you cannot influence the behavior of the intimidator change how you feel.

In the case of my boss I matched his behavior to get rapport. When he shouted at me I raised my voice to speak back. When he slammed the desk I became more animated in how I talked and I used my hands more when expressing myself.

This pacing will help. However it is not enough you also need to change how you feel.

Before you start working with the following approach make sure you are feeling energetic and resourceful otherwise you could get dragged back into the fear itself.

Now take a recent encounter with the intimidator and run the scene in your mind as if you are watching it on TV. Pretend you are outside the event watching as a bystander.

Next, distort the images until the other person looks absurd. Dress the person in silly clothes or even no clothes! Change their voice until it sounds squeaky like a cartoon character. Slow down their speech until it sounds like a worn out tape. Then speed up the speech until they sound like a bumble bee.

Play the scene backwards, upside down or with zero gravity. Do whatever you have to until the scene is ludicrous.

Keep playing with the sounds and images until you are either laughing or at least smiling when you think of the intimidator.

At this point you have turned fear into a more resourceful emotional state. Well done!

When you are new to this technique you will need to run through it several times until you get the hang of it. And for difficult situations I recommend using it daily to shake off those unpleasant feelings of fear you have associated to that person.

4. Keep the benefits of the fear and not the fear itself

After step 2 above you know how your fear is serving you.

Let us say the fear gives you alertness, safety and carefulness.

How are you going to behave carefully around the intimidator without feeling the fear?

You need to write down or run through likely scenarios in your mind until you are well prepared to handle whatever is thrown at you.

This step is very important and you are in trouble if you skip it.

In my case I was mentally ready to work elsewhere, I saved up some money so that if I did get fired it would not be the end of the world and I was always careful to only promise what I knew I could deliver.

If I had just changed how I felt without dealing effectively with the situation I would have been in a very difficult situation.

Your goal ought to be to feel resourceful and to be intelligent in how you deal with difficult people.

Using these tips will help you. How much this information helps will depend on how much energy you put into applying this approach.

When I look back on my aggressive boss situation I know that I could have done even more to handle it better. So like you I am always learning.

The important thing is to get started and keep heading in the right direction. And take even one step each day to take you forward.

NB: get help immediately if you are dealing with a violent individual

About The Author

Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently produced a very popular free report: 10 Simple Steps to Developing Communication Confidence. Apply now because it is available for a limited time only at: http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/report.htm

peter1510@hotmail.com

More Resources

Unable to open RSS Feed $XMLfilename with error HTTP ERROR: 404, exiting

More Coaching Information:

Related Articles

Progress Reviews: Your Key To Effective Coaching
One of the most effective ways to help your staff succeed is to provide regular, consistent coaching throughout the year. A Progress Review is a specific kind of coaching discussion, tied to the employee's Annual Objectives and Standards.
Why Things Are The Way They Are
Things are the way you think they are, because you think they are that way. An interesting statement I know, but let's break it down a bit if you will, and see what this Really means.
Miscommunication - Root Cause of Problems?
People of two opposing ideas can stir up argumentsand fights. It's that situation when one thinkshe has the right concept while the other one also believes he has the proper notion.
Kabbalah Coach: Love the One Youre With
IntroductionEvery one of us came to the planet to figure out how to experience love in the human form. It is amusing to observe all the ways we try to find love, especially since most of us don't even know what we are doing.
The Best Things in Life Are Rarely Things
Have you ever noticed this to be true?The best things in life for me are those things are not things at all. People and experiences make the biggest mark: a wonderful relationship, time with family, or a fantastic vacation that stays in my mind for years.
I Give Free Consultations... So, Why Dont They Hire Me?
I show my clients a way to answer the question, "So, What Do You Do?" quickly and effectively. What I sometimes hear afterwards is,"Anna that works great, people now 'get' what I do and say, 'Yeah, I could sure do with help like that' but they're still not hiring me.
Trump University - Why Success Education Is Important
Trump University recently unveiled offers a bonanza of success secrets, success tips and success insights.Donald Trump, of the Apprentice says "The one sure way to success is to know everything you can about what you do", these words capture the true reason why Trump University exists.
A Christmas Wish
My sister is a woman now beginning her thirties. She has had few friends and her boyfriends have never been good for her.
Living In The Now
I hope you are sitting down as you read this! You cannot begin to work on this kind of subject without addressing the subject of time itself - and when was the last time you did that?There are three basic areas or modules of time that are most commonly referred to:1)The Past2)The Present3)The FutureWhat I would like to do is have you work out where the "present" is though. In the time it has taken you to read just those last few words, that space in time that we might refer to as the present has gone.
Do You Need a Performance Coach?
In today's fast paced world, we are often confronted with the issue, "I want to get in shape, but I just don't have the time!" We all have faced it at one time or another. So, when we finally decide to get in shape we go to the gym, and then another decision hits us.
The Difference Between Approval and Appreciation
Having worked with individuals, couples, families and business partners for 35 years, helping them learn to resolve conflict, I have often been faced with the difficulties that occur when people are confused about the difference between approval with appreciation. Have you ever wondered about the difference between approval and appreciation? Most of us have never actually thought about it, yet if we do think about it, we realize that we feel very differently when we receive approval as opposed to receiving appreciation.
Your Mindset Determines Your Success in Life
To keep at the top of your game you have to keep a clear head. You can't afford to fill up on news and negativity.
Your Personal Treasure Chest
Sometimes it is helpful to review several of the basic components of THE ENCHANTED SELF. That's what I've decided to do this time.
Five Steps to Vocational Passion: A Disciplined Plan for Major Mid-life Changes
There's a famous song lyric that asks: "Is that all there is?" Every seven seconds, an American turns 50 years old. So there's a good chance that song is running through some of their heads.
The Value of Coaching to Support Your Business and Your Life
In our daily lives as well as in our businesses, we typically operate from the perspective of doing the best we know how to do in dealing with life's challenges and opportunities. If we knew what it would take to be more effective in our relationships, more productive in our activities or more successful in reaching our goals, we would surely alter our behavior to correspond with these insights.
Ch-Ch-Chain of Hearts: Cranking Up Compassion
Can you hear your compassion? It's time to crank it up.One of the most difficult challenges we face in our quest to be compassionate is dealing with conflict.
Can Versus Cant
It is my personal opinion that there are two words that are the driving force behind your personally achieving your ultimate outcome and your WHY in Life. These two words are the most powerful words that you can and will ever speak to yourself about any situation - "CAN" and "CAN'T" As I've said many times, "CAN" is a word of power; whereas, "CAN'T" is a word of retreat.
Get Out What You Put In!
During a recent coaching session with Mark, I was briefly reminded of how it feels to give your all to your business and have it spit in your face."I just don't get it! I'm putting all my time and energy into this business, and I'm still scraping by.
Its Story Time! - Find the Power Within, or The Truth About Dogs
I heard a story recently, and wanted to share it with you. It goes something like this:Once upon a time.
Are You A Work Addict?
Work addiction is very common in our society today, yet it is not one that is not highly recognised.An interesting article in the March edition of The Success Report published by Success Technologies stated:"Of all the addictions receiving attention today (including alcohol, drugs, gambling and food) work addiction is perhaps the least recognised and possibly the most dangerous.