The Need to Feel Special

From the time Jennifer was a little child, she was demanding of attention, especially from her mother, Sarah. With two older brothers, Jennifer had a "special" place in the family as the baby and the only girl. She made sure to establish a "special" relationship with her mother, who relished the connection since she didn't have much of a relationship with her emotionally distant husband.

It was easy for Jennifer to control her mother's attention. Because her mother was needy for emotional connection and afraid of not being liked, all Jennifer had to do was get angry at her mother and Sarah would capitulate, giving Jennifer the attention she craved. Jennifer learned early to control her mother by becoming angry, critical and withholding love when her mother didn't do what she wanted. Unwittingly, Sarah contributed to Jennifer's neediness, entitlement issues, and the belief that happiness was dependent on approval and attention from others.

Jennifer, now in her late 30's, finds herself continuing the pattern she started with her mother - attaching to others in needy and demanding ways. The result is she has not been able to have a successful relationship with any of the men she has dated.

We all have a need to feel special. It is not the need that is dysfunctional, it is how we go about getting the need met that can be either dysfunctional or healthy. It is dysfunctional when we make others responsible for making us feel special. When others have to give us attention, compliment us, seek us out, and attend to our wants and needs in order for us to feel special, our behavior is dysfunctional.

HEALTHY SPECIAL-NESS

You will stop pulling on others to make you special only when you accept the full responsibility of making yourself feel special. This means learning to give yourself all that you may be trying to get from others - treating yourself in the loving ways you desire from others. There are many ways of making ourselves feel special. Instead of trying to get others to give you what you want, you can:

  • TAKE EMOTIONAL RESPONSIBILITY:

    • Attend to your feelings throughout the day and explore what you may be doing that is causing painful feelings, rather than making others responsible for your feelings.

    • Attend to your own needs rather than expecting others to meet your needs.

    • Accept yourself rather than judge yourself. Validate yourself, approve of yourself - tell yourself the things you want to hear from others. Value your talents and gifts.

    • Value your intrinsic worth rather than just your looks or performance - your kindness, compassion, creativity, caring.

    • Behave in ways that you value - being loving, kind, integreous, compassionate, understanding, caring.

    • Pursue work you love, work that fulfills you, if possible.

  • TAKE PHYSICAL RESPONSIBILITY:

    • Feed yourself well to maintain health and appropriate weight.

    • Get enough rest and exercise.

    • Create balance between work and play and creative time.

    • Make sure you are physically safe such as when riding a motorcycle.

  • TAKE FINANCIAL RESPONSIBILITY:

    • Make sure you are financially independent rather than dependent upon another, if physically able to do so.

    • Spend within your means to avoid the fear and stress of debt.

  • TAKE RELATIONSHIP RESPONSIBILITY:

    • Stand up for yourself and speak your truth rather than complying, defending or resisting in the face of others' demands or criticism. Don't be a victim.

    • Refrain from blaming others, with anger and criticism, for your feelings and behavior. Don't be a victim.

  • TAKE ORGANIZATIONAL RESPONSIBILITY:

    • Do what you say you are going to do regarding time and chores.

    • Make sure your living space and work environment are clean and tidy, and esthetically pleasing.

  • TAKE SPIRITUAL RESPONSIBILITY:

    • Take the time to connect with the love and truth of God/Higher Power.

    • Take time throughout the day to bring the love down to the level of your feeling self - your Inner Child.

Treating yourself in these loving ways will eventually result in feeling internally special rather than needing others to make you feel special.

As Jennifer practiced making herself special, she discovered that her relationships with others were becoming stronger and more fulfilling. People were no longer pulling away from her, resisting her, or defending themselves against her demands for attention. Her behavior naturally and gradually changed with others when she was treat herself as a special person.

About The Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.

margaret@innerbonding.com

More Resources

Unable to open RSS Feed $XMLfilename with error HTTP ERROR: 404, exiting

More Coaching Information:

Related Articles

Mid Life Crisis and the Great American Dream
One of the mainstays of American culture is the "Great American Dream". Immigrants would uproot their families and leave their homeland in the hopes of experiencing the freedom and opportunity that awaits them in America.
Action NOT Reaction
Do you feel you are in charge of your life do you really believe that you control your destiny? Or you are of those people who feel manipulated all the time, they are doing things and they don't know, why? Do you have the sense that you are a wooden puppet that someone else pulls the strings?I have an answer for you.Psychologists have proven that human decisions are based on emotions, and once an emotional decision is made they use their logical part of the brain to justify that decision.
Free Advice From Albert Einstein
What If You Could Ask Anyone For Help?Have you ever noticed how sometimes you are at your most creative when you are interacting with another person? You and your friend or acquaintance feed off of each other's ideas and help each other clarify things. Well what about those times when you are alone, or you have no one you wish to share your ideas with? What can you do then to stimulate creative thought and to find elegant solutions to your problems? You could try talking to Albert Einstein.
Automatic Brain Works Overtime For You
Use all of your brain to be your most effective."Running on Automatic" is what I call the ability to visualize what you need to have happen.
Self-Defense Within Martial Arts Training Demands a Real-World Perspective
This story is being offered in response to a request made by my teacher, Soke (Grand Master) Masaaki Hatsumi, during a recent training visit to Japan. During one of the training sessions, Soke was suggesting that everyone, regardless of rank, should make it a point to talk to those with actual combat experience and to learn from these people.
Change the Words and Change the World
Excerpt From The Relationship Handbook: How to Understand and Improve Every Relationship in Your Life by Kevin B. BurkIf we want to change our lives in any way, all we need to do is to change our words, thoughts and beliefs.
Choosing The Perfect Coach
So, you're ready to start coaching. You either have some issues that you think a coach can help you overcome, or you just think it's time for a quality of life tune-up.
Your Mindset Determines Your Success in Life
To keep at the top of your game you have to keep a clear head. You can't afford to fill up on news and negativity.
Pecked to Death By Ducks
Ever been in a situation where it seems like minor criticisms are all you hear? Sure, there are things you could improve, you know that . .
Listening Skills In Relationships
Recently, when out to dinner with another couple, my husband is surprised at what someone says about one of our neighbors. He even comments this to the person about his amazement.
Help! I Need to Make a Decision!
Many people who come to my office say they have a difficult time making decisions. I have developed a process to help my clients master this skill.
Make a Decision and Take Action!
How are you progressing with the goals you set yourself this year?Have you made a start? Or are you still thinking about it or caught the very popular "I'm too busy" epidemic?Mary's StoryMary runs her own publishing company employing 5 people. She is married with two teenagers.
Purpose
Many people go through much of their lives without really thinking about their purpose. I don't mean a lofty, philosophic, and often unrealistic purpose that has us striving to save the world or solve the challenge of poverty throughout the world (although these are both admirable for those whose true purpose is to do so).
The Need to Feel Special
From the time Jennifer was a little child, she was demanding of attention, especially from her mother, Sarah. With two older brothers, Jennifer had a "special" place in the family as the baby and the only girl.
Encourage Personality Testing
I was asked the other day : "Kate, is personality testing novelty, frivolity, or common sense?"The answer is: It depends on whether or not you utilize them properly.I highly recommend them for anyone who is in a relationship of any kind: business, friendships, family, etc.
The Value of Coaching to Support Your Business and Your Life
In our daily lives as well as in our businesses, we typically operate from the perspective of doing the best we know how to do in dealing with life's challenges and opportunities. If we knew what it would take to be more effective in our relationships, more productive in our activities or more successful in reaching our goals, we would surely alter our behavior to correspond with these insights.
How To Gain Control Of Your Life
"The latter part of a wise man's life," said Jonathan Swift, "is taken up in curing the follies, prejudices, and false opinions he had contracted in the former."The awareness to see one's own follies, prejudices, and false opinions is in fact essential to overcome one's psychocultural programming.
Is Time Really Easier to Sell than Products? Generate Extra Revenue by Packaging Up What You Know
Over the years I've worked with very many coaches and consultants who make their money by selling blocks of time.This is great but anyone who's done it - also knows that when they stop working (and selling time) the money soon dries up too.
Choosing an Apprentice
Along the path from where you are now to millions in revenue, thousands in readers, tens of thousands of prospects, or hundreds of clients -- whatever criteria you use to define success for your coaching..
Finding a Mentor in the 21st Century
Traditionally, mentors volunteer the wisdom of their experiences to help others who wanted to follow in their footsteps. These days, many people have learned to appreciate the value of a good mentor.