Emotional Dependency or Emotional Responsibility

Emotional dependency means getting one's good feelings from outside oneself. It means needing to get filled from outside rather than from within. Who or what do you believe is responsible for your emotional wellbeing?

There are numerous forms of emotional dependency:

  • Dependence on substances, such as food, drugs, or alcohol, to fill emptiness and take away pain.

  • Dependency on processes such as spending, gambling, or TV, also to fill emptiness and take away pain.

  • Dependence on money to define one's worth and adequacy.

  • Dependence on getting someone's love, approval, or attention to feel worthy, adequate, lovable, and safe.

  • Dependence on sex to fill emptiness and feel adequate.

When you do not take responsibility for defining your own adequacy and worth or for creating your own inner sense of safety, you will seek to feel adequate, worthy and safe externally. Whatever you do not give to yourself, you may seek from others or from substances or processes. Emotional dependency is the opposite of taking personal responsibility for one's emotional wellbeing. Yet many people have no idea that this is their responsibility, nor do they have any idea how to take this responsibility.

What does it mean to take emotional responsibility rather than be emotionally dependent?

Primarily, it means recognizing that our feelings come from our own thoughts, beliefs and behavior, rather than from others or from circumstances. Once you understand and accept that you create your own feelings, rather than your feelings coming from outside yourself, then you can begin to take emotional responsibility.

For example, let's say someone you care about gets angry at you.

If you are emotionally dependent, you may feel rejected and believe that your feelings of rejection are coming from the other's anger. You might also feel hurt, scared, anxious, inadequate, shamed, angry, blaming, or many other difficult feeling in response to the other's anger. You might try many ways of getting the other person to not be angry in an effort to feel better.

However, if you are emotionally responsible, you will feel and respond entirely differently. The first thing you might do is to tell yourself that another person's anger has nothing to do with you. Perhaps that person is having a bad day and is taking it out on you. Perhaps that person is feeling hurt or inadequate and is trying to be one-up by putting you one-down. Whatever the reason for the other's anger, it is about them rather than about you. An emotionally responsible person does not take others' behavior personally, knowing that we have no control over others' feelings and behavior, and that we do not cause others to feel and behave the way they do - that others are responsible for their feelings and behavior just as we are for ours.

The next thing an emotionally responsible person might do is move into compassion for the angry person, and open to learning about what is going on with the other person. For example, you might say, "I don't like your anger, but I am willing to understand what is upsetting you. Would you like to talk about it?" If the person refuses to stop being angry, or if you know ahead of time that this person is not going to open up, then as an emotionally responsible person, you would take loving action in your own behalf. For example, you might say, "I'm unwilling to be at the other end of your anger. When you are ready to be open with me, let me know. Meanwhile, I'm going to take a walk (or hang up the phone, or leave the restaurant, or go into the other room, and so on). An emotionally responsible person gets out of range of attack rather than tries to change the other person.

Once out of range, the emotionally responsible person goes inside and explores any painful feelings that might have resulted from the attack. For example, perhaps you are feeling lonely as a result of being attacked. An emotionally responsible person embraces the feelings of loneliness with understanding and compassion, holding them just as you would hold a sad child. When you acknowledge and embrace the feelings of loneliness, you allow them to move through you quickly, so you can move back into peace.

Rather than being a victim of the other's behavior, you have taken emotional responsibility for yourself. Instead of staying stuck in feeling angry, hurt, blaming, afraid, anxious or inadequate, you have moved yourself back into feeling safe and peaceful.

When you realize that your feelings are your responsibility, you can move out of emotional dependency. This will make a huge difference within you and with all of your relationships. Relationships thrive when each person moves out of emotional dependency and into emotional responsibility.

About The Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.

More Resources

Unable to open RSS Feed $XMLfilename with error HTTP ERROR: 404, exiting

More Coaching Information:

Related Articles

6 Practices for Achieving Excellent Self-Care
Adults with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) often feel like they are running behind schedule, and just don't have the time get everything done. As a result, many ADDers end up sacrificing their own self-care in order to scratch off items on their to-do lists.
Why?
I met Sean a year and a half ago in a crowd of 50,000 people. We struck up a conversation and really hit it off.
Eureka! I've Found It!
OK, so it wasn't quite that big of a deal. But I did find the "T" that mysteriously escaped from the word "not" in one of my articles a few months ago.
Recreating Yourself
So it's time for a change. You've taken that hard look in the mirror and you've decided that who you are is not who you want to be.
3 Keys to Making Small Talk Easy to Do
Small talk used to be really hard work for me. I never knew what to say and I always worried about saying the wrong thing.
Coaching: Change Made Simple
Here's a story that I think gets at why we have such difficulty with change.I was 8 years old and my parents gave me a dollar to go to the toy store with my best friend and his mom.
Two Leadership Strategies: Don't Lose Your Mind & Be a Coach
Are you feeling overwhelmed, a lack of confidence or under a ton of pressure? Are you trying too hard to make something work and focusing too much on trying to fulfill other people's needs and expectations? You may have "lost your mind!"My small still voice often speaks to me in cryptic one-liners. I'll never forget the first time I heard the quiet whisper, "You've lost your mind.
The Harvest: Shared Power
The fall harvest comes upon us once a year. The farmers collect the sometimes-scant rewards of their heroic efforts begun months before.
7 Destructive Habits of Incompetent People
WARNING! If you want to have a fantastic life, never engage yourself in these 7 deadly habits that incompetent people do. NUMBER 1 - They Think, Say, & Do Negative Things.
Controlling Behavior, Loving Behavior
When Zack and Tiffany started counseling with me, they were on the verge of divorce after 16 years of marriage. Neither really wanted to end the marriage, yet both were miserable.
Burn-Out ...Whats Next?
If you feel the heat of burn-out, it is possible to stop the fire before it stops you. Burn-out burns out confidence trust hope Burn-out can burn up your job your marriage your friendships There is a simple strategy for helping yourself prevent burn-out, especially if you are a person with more responsibilities than choices.
Three Great Ways to Deal with Negative People
1. Do not believe everything you hear!With close friends and family it is not unusual to think that you ought to take onboard everything you hear.
Overcoming Work Addiction
Why are you so busy? Do you really have too much work? Is work so important to you that you'll sacrifice just about anything in your life to get the job done? Even if it's at the expense of your health and your relationships?If you find these questions disturbing then see how you rate with these ones:Do you work more than 50 hours a week?Do you dream about work?Do you feel that in order to succeed you must work late most of the time?Are you a stranger in your own home?Do you constantly miss family and social events because you're always working?Do you schedule and undertake more than you can get done in a 40-hour work week?Do you get bored when you're not working?Is missing family and social events because of work unavoidable?When on holiday do you constantly check your phone messages and email?Your ScoreThe greater the number of yes answers, the closer you are to fitting the profile of a workaholic. If you've answered yes to more than half of the questions, it's time to take stock before you lose your health, family and everything you hold near and dear to your heart.
Are You Too Critical?
First of all, criticalness breaks up more relationships, than anything else. And that criticalness is usually over the children or money!Criticalness can be seen in eyes that slant down.
Coaches, Do You Make These 7 Deadly Cash Flow Mistakes in Your Practice?
Managing cash flow is every small business owner's most important function. Avoid these seven deadly mistakes to make sure you aren't creating cash flow problems in your coaching practice.
Integrating Life and Work
Organizations are finally creating cultures that support a work and life balance for their employees. After years of demanding high productivity and increasing on the job hours and expectations and not achieving the hoped-for better results, companies are finally embracing polices and procedures that support employees in integrating their life and work experience.
Dealing Effectively with Midlife Issues
In this article we would like to help you explore the challenges and opportunities that come at midlife. You will have an opportunity to take a look at issues that are specific to the Baby Boomer generation.
Build Your People Skills
How would you like to get along even better with others in your personal relationships and in the workplace? Getting along well with people sounds kind of general and is difficult to do much about, so let's break it down into some manageable and specific skills. By building the following skills, you will get along well with others:1.
Coaching: YOU Can Improve Your Organizations Performance
GOOD BUSINESS COACHING: Clearly, the right kind of coaching can alter a team's or an organization's performance. The implication for business is that if you create a climate of coaching in any organization, you can produce performance that exceeds your expectations - and you won't have to change the people to do so.
Learning To Recognize Your Ego
What is an ego? Well, in case you didn't know it, we all have one. The ego is the logical rational part of your mind that allows you to separate yourself from other people.