Why Therapy Fails Sometimes

I saw a couple for marriage counseling this week, and when I asked them if they had ever seen anyone else for counseling they said they had worked with two other therapists. They had seen one therapist on and off a few years back. They had seen the other one only a few times. They couldn't even remember her name.

I asked what they had gotten from counseling, and much to my chagrin, came a far too typical response: "Nothing." Why doesn't therapy make an impact? Why do people who see a counselor week after week continue to be bogged down with the problems they initially came in with?

Sometimes the therapist just isn't very good. She may be supportive and understanding of her clients' problems, but her skills don't go far enough. She's unable to confront the woman who talks on and on or to tell the man he's out of line with his anger. Or that he needs to stop drawing attention to himself by butting in. Sometimes, too, the therapist is good at helping to identify the problem but is not skilled in coming up with suggestions as to what the person can do to change.

Counseling may also fail because the person going may only be interested in proving it's someone else's fault. Once the therapist hones in on what the person is doing to cause part of the problem, the individual cancels all future therapy sessions. Later on she can be overheard at a party saying how therapy doesn't work.

Sometimes therapy is seen as ineffective because the original goal for going cannot be achieved. For example, a woman is involved in a terrible marriage. She and her husband fight constantly, he runs around on her, he won't come to therapy, and because of religious reasons she's unwilling to get a separation or divorce. In this case the therapist is limited. He can help the woman explore what she gets from fighting. Perhaps it's a pattern she learned in childhood or a fear of closeness. The therapist can teach the woman how to pick her fights instead of engaging in every fight that comes along. He can teach her how to stay on the topic when she and her husband have a disagreement, which will limit the length and intensity of their fighting. And he can help her learn to identify other areas of her life where she will find fulfillment. He can certainly help her cut down the arguments in her marriage. What he can't do is stop the husband from running around.

Sometimes therapy is ineffective because the person going is not willing to put in the energy to make needed changes. He may be willing to come talk about the problem - shyness, loneliness, anxiety, difficulty on the job - but he's unwilling to do what it takes outside of the therapy session to make therapy effective. He won't put himself in a situation where he can meet new people. He refuses to update his skills so he can find a different job. He won't explore other jobs, and he refuses to talk to his boss about his unhappiness.

Therapy is a little like going to the doctor. You want to choose a doctor that has a good reputation. Once you go, you explore your symptoms with the doctor - when they first appeared, how long you've had them, what you've tried in the past. The doctor makes a diagnosis and prescribes treatment. You follow the treatment plan and take your medication. If the medication doesn't work, you work on another course of action. You continue to consult the doctor for other treatment plans or you try a different doctor until you get the problem solved.

Doris Wild Helmering is a St. Louis psychotherapist in private practce. She has written eight books, numerous magazine and newspaper articles on the topics of marriage, relationships and families. Doris guides her clents with calm and sensitivity and solution directed action plans. Visit Doris at http://www.doriswildhelmering.com/blog She'll make you want to change.

More Resources

Unable to open RSS Feed $XMLfilename with error HTTP ERROR: 404, exiting

More Coaching Information:

Related Articles

Ch-Ch-Chain of Hearts: Cranking Up Compassion
Can you hear your compassion? It's time to crank it up.One of the most difficult challenges we face in our quest to be compassionate is dealing with conflict.
What Do You Really Want ?
Being a coach is such a rewarding profession. The enormous impact you have on other people's lives always astounds me.
A Christmas Wish
My sister is a woman now beginning her thirties. She has had few friends and her boyfriends have never been good for her.
Mindfulness and Multiple Intelligences: 8 Ways to Pay Attention
How are you smart?Let me count the ways.Harvard professor Howard Gardner was the first to describe the concept of Multiple Intelligences.
The Value of Coaching to Support Your Business and Your Life
In our daily lives as well as in our businesses, we typically operate from the perspective of doing the best we know how to do in dealing with life's challenges and opportunities. If we knew what it would take to be more effective in our relationships, more productive in our activities or more successful in reaching our goals, we would surely alter our behavior to correspond with these insights.
Choosing The Perfect Coach
So, you're ready to start coaching. You either have some issues that you think a coach can help you overcome, or you just think it's time for a quality of life tune-up.
What is Coaching?
Recently, I have received several emails asking me about coaching and what it is exactly. So, I decided to answer some of those questions in this article.
Boost Your Self-Esteem
What Is Self-Esteem?Self-esteem literally means to esteem, or respect, yourself. Having high self-esteem means that you have a positive image of yourself.
Viewpoints - Communication Destruction Or....
Viewpoints! Everyone has them and they are personal. However, when you believe that only your view is correct, you shut out other people and do not listen to the facts they are giving.
Purpose
Many people go through much of their lives without really thinking about their purpose. I don't mean a lofty, philosophic, and often unrealistic purpose that has us striving to save the world or solve the challenge of poverty throughout the world (although these are both admirable for those whose true purpose is to do so).
Managing Your Perfectionism
What Is Perfectionism?This is the first of two newsletters that address perfectionism. In this issue, we will explore what perfectionism is and why it is destructive.
Helping Relationships: Understanding the Helpee
One of the most distressing observations I have made among my social work colleagues, is the overwhelming proclivity on the part of many of us so-called helpers, to lack understanding and sensitivity to the position helpees are in when they agree to accept intervention.Many of us take "professionalism" out of context and become more of a burden to families than a helping resource.
Is Your Attitude Destroying Your Health?
A positive attitude may bring good health and success. If you have ever read any book about success you will discover how an optimistic attitude will keep you healthier and tremendously increase your chances of success.
How to Make $100,000 Dollars as a Personal Trainer - Part B for Business!
My name is Greg Ryan. For the last twenty years I have counseled thousands of personal trainers, fitness directors and gym owners on how be successful in the health and fitness industry.
How to Adopt a Losing Attitude
We have all heard the expression, "Where your heart is?, your treasure will be also." Allow me to modify this tried and true wisdom, to create an equally valid point: "Where your thoughts are, your hips will be also.
Training is Not the Same Thing as Exercising
What it takes to GROW!In almost every workshop we deliver, we try to teach the principle that the mind is a muscle. What does this mean? Well, your mind and really your whole life operate on the same growth and strengthening principles as any muscle in your body, and almost everyone misunderstands what it takes to make a muscle grow.
Coaching vs. Directing - How Does Improv Theater Suggest You Should Lead Your Team
An age old battle in improv that I believe resonates well with challenges we experience in the business world is the question of whether a team should have a coach or a director (in which case it should be called an ensemble). In addition there's the third option of the self coached team, which I will call committee from here on forward.
Do you know WHAT MAKES ME MAD?? It makes me SO MAD I just want to...
Sound familiar? If you want to manage anger, the only way of doing so is to listen to your self-talk. This doesn't mean listening to yourself talk.
3 Secrets to Developing Superior People Skills
1. If What You Are Doing Is Not Working Change Your ApproachWhen I was in school I always had a small group of close friends but I never found it easy meeting new people.
Magic Potions We All Need This Time of Year
As winter descends we begin to feel the chill of shorter days and less sunlight. For many of us, less hours of light combined with colder temperatures results in us feel less light emotionally.