A Perrverse Confidante

Direct Answers - Column for the week of July 15, 2002

Dad passed away years ago and Mom lives alone. She is still young and healthy, yet she always plays the victim. I am in my 30s and divorced.

Our relationship has always been based on a maternal dictatorship. Even as an adult daughter I cannot approach my mother because her idea of advice is an order. Since she makes life miserable, I withhold my personal life from her to the point of lying.

I met a wonderful man who lives out of town, and we have been cultivating a terrifically close relationship. Mom met him once, but only to the point of saying hello. Because I find sneaking around emotionally draining, I phoned Mom and confessed.

The reaction to this news was exactly as expected. Mom called me a tramp, a useless stupid person, and a terrible daughter not worthy of living. She suggested I get an operation on my eyes so I could see this man as the bum that he is.

Neither my friends nor I see what she is implying. He is well-versed, well- educated, with a great job and strong morals. Mom said if I continue with this man she is writing me out of her will. Our conversation ended with her hanging up after telling me to have a nice life.

Because I know deep down she means well, I am torn by her reaction. I feel guilty for hurting her, yet I am hesitant to put my life on hold because she does not approve of a man based on a 30 second conversation. Why do I feel like I am a terrible daughter? Her reaction puts a damper on an extremely exciting and happy time in my life. I am faced with a choice between two people I love dearly. Am I being selfish?

Irene

Irene, you feel like a terrible daughter because your mother trained you to feel that way. Your news didn't hurt her. She lashed out because she doesn't want you to have an independent life.

This man must make an excellent first impression because in 30 seconds your mother realized he would never tolerate her abuse. She also recognized he would never allow a woman he loved to be treated the way your mother treats you.

Everyone with a satisfying life makes one important discovery. There is a direction and flow to life, and that direction is toward growth, realization, and fulfillment. Without those things it is not possible to be happy.

In the Greek myth of the Procrustean bed, people too short were painfully stretched until they fit the bed, while those too long had excess parts cut off. Your mother wants you to lie on her Procrustean bed. It's time to ask yourself, What is the true nature of maternal love?

Wayne & Tamara

Out Of Tune

I was married for 19 years before my recent divorce. I met a lovely man, a really lovely person. We dated twice, but unfortunately there is no chemistry there for me. I don't feel sexually attracted to him, so there is no reason to continue seeing him.

Since I am so new to the dating world, I am out of practice in kindly discontinuing seeing someone. Can you suggest the kindest way to say goodbye that will minimize hurting this lovely man's feelings?

Daryn

Daryn, not every piece of music moves every person. Not everyone likes Shakespeare, and we don't all have the same favorite color. This man may have a beautiful melody, but it is for someone else's ears.

Be sweet, nice and complimentary to his personality, but be absolutely sure to let him know the relationship is not going to go where he wants. Don't go anywhere near "let's be friends." He will feel you are leaving an opening for him eventually. That's cruel. Clear is less hurtful than nice, for both parties.

Wayne & Tamara

About The Author

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.

Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.

More Resources

Unable to open RSS Feed $XMLfilename with error HTTP ERROR: 404, exiting

More Coaching Information:

Related Articles

Different New-Years Resolution - Pass-It-Forward
Every 12 months, as the New-Year rolls around, we all brag about our New-Year's Resolutions. With inflated chests and with all the authority we can muster, we announce to any and every available ear, that we're going to lose weight, stop drinking and smoking so much, as well as spend more time with our family, in addition to investing more time down at the gym.
How To Overcome Stuck States In Personal Growth
Although many of us use self-help tools like affirmations, visualizations, NLP techniques, and spiritual invocations, we sometimes find that nothing happens. This, to say the least, is disheartening.
Potential
One of the most often mis-understood aspects of self-development is the concept of potential. We are often told that we can achieve our full potential, however, what does this really mean? When the focus is building self-esteem and motivating individuals to do better, there is often the implication that potential is a destination or an end-point that can be reached, and if we just strive for "it", we will reach "it".
Fear Is Nothing To Be Afraid Of!
What do you do when fear shows up? Do you hide under the covers of life, shivering as you anxiously wait for the moment to pass or do you stand up with a confident smile and embrace it?Your answer to this simple question will have a considerable impact on the level of freedom, excitement and empowerment you experience on a daily basis. Whatever your response, the thing to remember is that your fears are nothing to be afraid of!What is Fear?The Oxford dictionary defines fear as "an unpleasant emotion caused by the expectation of pain".
How to Coach Yourself!
Some people are not in a position to work with a coach right now. Some are stretched financially, while some are still using the "lone ranger" method.
Trust In The Moment, and Trust In Yourself
Do you often get yourself upset and feeling less than fully confident, as part of your preparation for facing a daunting challenge? You can improve your performance if you let your somatic intelligence lead the way."You move too much to be effective.
Online Counseling - a Timely Happenstance
Online counseling may be the latest and greatest improvement intherapy. It seems to be perfect for this fast-paced world withmany workers who sit by their computer screens all day long.
Receiving Thanks and Praise - The View from the Other Side
We demand more from those who provide to us and because we are frequently in roles which deliver goods and services ourselves, we are on the receiving end too - of complaints, frustrations and generally poor behaviour.Why is it that when we are on the receiving end, we miss the fact that we ourselves, when we hang up our service-provider-hat at the end of our shift, often end up as 'customers behaving badly' too?Why do we take our own frustrations out on others, the way it has been taken out on us? Why do we sometimes become the Hyde from our normal Jekyll?So, when someone goes the 'extra mile' to say 'Thank you', or appreciate the actions you have taken? What do you take from that and how do you react? You feel good, I guess.
Can Versus Cant
It is my personal opinion that there are two words that are the driving force behind your personally achieving your ultimate outcome and your WHY in Life. These two words are the most powerful words that you can and will ever speak to yourself about any situation - "CAN" and "CAN'T" As I've said many times, "CAN" is a word of power; whereas, "CAN'T" is a word of retreat.
The Long Way
I wrote you about four years ago, when my eight year marriage was ending in divorce. At that time you gave me some great advice about beginning again.
Your Mindset Determines Your Success in Life
To keep at the top of your game you have to keep a clear head. You can't afford to fill up on news and negativity.
What Rules!
There are things that we do automatically internally that we don't even realize are the things that make us who we are. Our own rules for living that we hardly ever question, and even less frequently examine.
5 Tips to Improve ANY Performance
Seeking improved performance at work? Wishing you could finally achieve your sports-related goals? Merely looking for a way to get more out of everything you do? What follows are five basic skills (basic in that all top achievers know these skills and apply them in some form on a weekly basis) that will dramatically improve your performance.1.
The American Dream - Are We Really Free?
The promises of THE AMERICAN DREAM (to have it all and enjoy it all, based on materialistic values system) has been holding us captive and threatening to take our power and freedom away- without our awareness, like a thief in the night.Consciously or unconsciously we make daily decisions to either be a master of our own ship or destiny, if you will, or be a slave to our own circumstances and to other people*s expectations and belief systems that don*t serve our highest good and purpose.
Skills for Change
The name of the game is CHANGE -- that's true at work, and it's also true in life. In both situations there are FOUR skills you can trust:1.
Ten Benefits of Having a Relationship Coach
As a Master Certified Relationship Coach, I work with singles to help them attract a great match and with couples to help put their relationships back on track. I hear great feedback from my clients about the value of coaching.
Why a Coach is NOT a Consultant
Often while talking to people about my coaching practice I get asked what the difference is between a coach and a consultant. Many people believe they are either the same thing or very similar.
The Great Marketing Reframe
From grimaces to stomach knots, talking about marketing seems to take on the sound of Charlie Brown's teacher, with so many syllables of "wah WAaah, wah WAah, wah." What does this mean? For starters, I find it terrifying ironic that, when it boils down to it, truly - marketing and coaching are actually ONE.
Purpose
Many people go through much of their lives without really thinking about their purpose. I don't mean a lofty, philosophic, and often unrealistic purpose that has us striving to save the world or solve the challenge of poverty throughout the world (although these are both admirable for those whose true purpose is to do so).
Dont Settle
Settling is about not embracing what is best for you, and accepting what you really don't want. When you settle, you accept less than you deserve.