To Apologize or Not to Apologize...That is the Question

We don't like to say it and we don't always mean it, but despitethe oft-quoted promise from the movie, love DOES mean sayingyou're sorry. Unfortunately the idea seems to have hung aroundlong since the movie was put back on the shelf.

Is it a statement about society in general that we question theneed to apologize even in our closest relationships? If sayingsorry exposes us to confrontation or scrutiny, shouldn't we bewilling to accept that from our loved ones?

If people feel that saying sorry diminishes the respect theyreceive from others, or brings their judgment (and theirintelligence) into question - what kind of people CAN apologizefreely? Can we expect it?

Perhaps the answer lies deeper than a person's perception of howthey'll be viewed. What are the reasons for apologies?

Dr. Aaron Lazare gives his opinion on the motives for apologiesin the article 'Go Ahead, Say Your Sorry' published by PsychologyToday. He suggests the two positive reasons we apologize includethe desire to restore or salvage a relationship and/or a deepseated empathy in which your apology may relieve or diminish thepain you've caused.

The less admirable reasons for an apology he identifies includethe desire to escape punishment or the need to clear a guiltyconscience - whether the other party was offended or not.

Clearly the first two reasons for apologizing make great claimstowards creating happy, healthy relationships. Whether we arebrought up to believe in admitting our guilt or not, taking ahumble view of ourselves in order to benefit a relationship or anindividual whom we've hurt is crucial in maintaining respect forone another.

While some individuals may not demand apologies from theirpartners, perhaps because they also believe it should not berequired, there is a loss of respect between the couple when anapology is left unsaid. The offended has not had their painacknowledged by the one they love. The offender now lives withthe guilt or may start to believe their partner is not worthy ofsuch acknowledgement.

In either case, the relationship suffers. On the other hand,frequent offenders may be too eager to apologize. Their constantdisplay of humility forces the offended partner to acceptbehavior that should be questioned or challenged regardless ofthe appearance of repentance.

Accepting each other, faults and all, is a big part of a lovingand enjoyable relationship. Not keeping tally of mistakes orjudging weaknesses has its place, but a willingness to apologizefor lapses of responsibility or good judgment will strengthen,rather than weaken, the bonds of a healthy relationship.

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