Why?

I met Sean a year and a half ago in a crowd of 50,000 people. We struck up a conversation and really hit it off. He gave me his number, which I forgot. I thought about tracking him down, but figured if it was meant to be we would meet again. Three weeks later I got a phone call from him, and we have been together ever since, until about a month ago.

I left my friends and my life that I was used to. Everything was fantastic, we were in love, we thought we were going to get married. We just mentioned it a few times, but it wasn't really a topic of conversation. Anyway, something changed in Sean two months ago.

He didn't cheat that I know of, but in a week's time he broke up with me, demoted himself from a high ranked position at his job, and became depressed. He went to the doctor and is doing better now, but I am confused. How can everything be so great and all of a sudden he changes his mind about everything in his life?

He still likes to have sex and hang out with me sometimes, but doesn't have any interest in getting back together. I need to stop showing interest in him, I think, and get on with my life, but I am having a hard time doing this. Why is he acting this way, and is there any way we will be together again?

Jessica

Jessica, most people never find out the true why behind another's actions. Everyone wants the imaginary "closure," but the closure they want is to have what they want. That is why almost no one gets closure.

As a psychological concept, closure doesn't work. When a relationship ends, people don't want to learn why, they want to learn why not. They want to fix it. But if a man used a woman for sex, how will learning the truth give her closure? If a woman never loved the man, how can that truth give him closure?

You are not in a relationship with Sean, but he is having sex with you. He sounds like somebody with a plan for himself. Friendship sex is not in your best interest. You need to stop having sex with him and move on. Asking why only traps you.

Wayne & Tamara

Winnowing

I am a female, 19. I am more mature than my age, and sometimes I feel I am trapped with an old soul in a young body. I fell in love with a man, 38. We were in a long-distance relationship for six months, but two months ago we decided I would move to New York to be with him and build my life there.

We had a bad time. I couldn't find myself, and he was occupied with his business. I was very unhappy and we argued constantly. Now I am back in Israel, and he is there. He decided it would be easier for me to build my life here, and it would be good for us to take a break. He is afraid I might regret marrying him because I haven't experienced life yet.

Is this kind of relationship possible, or am I holding on to something which is doomed from the start?

Leah

Leah, why do you need to mention age difference or other factors? When you were with him in New York, you were unhappy and argued constantly. Why can't that be the truth of the matter? You gave it a try, it didn't work, he pulled away.

Every man is not your future husband. Most men you will date until you see the relationship isn't going anywhere. That's what dating is all about--not snaring a man, but separating the wheat from the chaff. He's chaff. You're looking for wheat. Keep sifting.

Direct Answers - Column for the week of November 1, 2004

About The Author

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.

Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.

More Resources

Unable to open RSS Feed $XMLfilename with error HTTP ERROR: 404, exiting

More Coaching Information:

Related Articles

Executive Coaching and the American President
Perhaps no one better than a former U.S.
Corporate Coaching and Employees: One Step Ahead
"Don't shoot..
Personal Development Profiles
Personal development profiles, also known as personality profiles, are a tool I frequently use before starting a course of coaching with a client. The client answers a series of questions about preferred behaviour styles and their responses generate a report which outlines their strengths, areas for improvement, blind spots, their contribution to the team, ways they could improve their communication and how to deal with challenging people.
Where to Begin?
January is the king of months for those looking to make new beginnings. After the reflections and indulgences of December, the excitement of a new year unfolding brings contemplation of better days ahead.
Progress Reviews: Your Key To Effective Coaching
One of the most effective ways to help your staff succeed is to provide regular, consistent coaching throughout the year. A Progress Review is a specific kind of coaching discussion, tied to the employee's Annual Objectives and Standards.
Are You Worth Investing In?
Do you realise that if you're green you're growing and if you're ripe you're rotten? So says Winston Marsh, Business Marketing Guru in his recent newsletter.Here's an excerpt from it .
Still Wondering About Coaching?
A friend called me the other day from Lower Alabama. He has followed my career as a coach with enthusiasm, and continually refers clients to me, and I'm sure has done his part for making coaching known in his neck of the woods.
Becoming An Information Filter And A Knowledge Sponge
As the title states, "Become an Information Filter and a Knowledge Sponge." On your daily journey to achieve your WHY, you will travel through many different avenues and sometimes you will ask yourself, "Why do I need to meet this person or experience this situation?" The key is to truly understand that you must become an information filter and use your personal God-given filters -- your eyes and your ears.
The Top 10 BEST Things About Having a Coach
Obviously, there are many wonderful things about having a personal coach to support and encourage you. Everyone develops their own working relationship with their coach, and each situation is unique.
Mindfulness and Multiple Intelligences: 8 Ways to Pay Attention
How are you smart?Let me count the ways.Harvard professor Howard Gardner was the first to describe the concept of Multiple Intelligences.
How to Make $100,000 as a Personal Trainer
In the movie, "The Gladiator," Emperor Commodus' rose to power early on because he realized what was most important to the people of Rome. Most would believe influence would be gained by the accumulation of wealth and fame.
Executive Coaching and Effective Learning
We've all been through training events-workshops, seminars, and courses that didn't affect our behavior as much as we would have preferred. And while each provides valuable information and tools for increased productivity, most of us also understand what happens after the workshop is over.
Business Career, Executive Coaching Article - Leadership: Understanding the Human Condition
"Nothing is more practical than for people to deepen themselves. The more you understand the human condition the more effective you are as a businessperson.
What You See is What You Get
H. Jackson Brown Jr.
Is Your Life Coach Manipulating You? Five Signs to Watch For
Did you hire a "life coach" to help you sort out your complicated existence? The coach is a growing occupational choice for folks who feel the call to lead others who may feel overwhelmed or wish for personal fulfillment but don't know where to begin.As someone who belongs to entrepreneur networks, I've come across quite a few life coaches.
Hows Your Self-Talk?
You know, what are you saying to yourself? There's always something going on in there. Do you make positive statements about yourself to yourself or are you beating yourself up with your own words?"Know thyself" is a statement that comes to mind.
Attitude
What makes attitude so important? Why not just learn some "seductiontechniques" to get the girl? The answer is simple: learning techniques (orhaving expensive clothing and cars) without improving your attitude is likewrapping a cheap gift in expensive wrapping paper. It still looks expensiveon the outside, but when the girl "unwraps" you, she'll find out that youwere faking it all along.
The Problem with Blame? If You Fix the Blame, You Ignore the Problem
Have you ever found yourself in a hurry to leave the house for an appointment when you could not find your car keys?Imagine that you and a friend are in a hurry to leave for an important event. You turn over the couch cushions, rifle through the newspapers on the dining room table, search your previous day's pants pockets, and dig through your purse.
Transform Your Office Into A Powerhouse Of Success
Did you know that the area that you call your 'office' is a direct reflection of you? If your environment is clean and uncluttered it projects that the person who works there is calm and has everything under control. Consequently if it looks like the local rubbish tip then the impression others get is that this person is disorganised, and a complete mess.
It's All To Do With The Way You Wake Up
Do you start your day with anger, frustration and annoyance at the alarm and the need to get up? Do you wake up hoping the day will go away and you can get back to sleep? Have you lost the fun? The confidence to have a go at things. Are you struggling along? Are you just going through the rituals of life? Are you just doing enough at work? Doing what is necessary because you think you 'ought, should, must do this for the sake of others? Do you feel all washed up and no one is interested in you? Do you feel devoid of vibrancy, and sense of purpose, an aimless victim buffeted by the winds of change? It's all to do with the way you wake up.