To Hold or to Set One Free!

Hope you all are doing well and enjoying great health. There were terrorist attacks in London and even here in India we are facing many natural calamities; but as they say, everything in life is having some purpose and one must learn to carry on.

Here I have some very basic queries to ask, "Love is to hold your loved ones or to set them free". We have learned, "If you love someone, Set her free...If she comes back, she's yours, If she doesn't, she's never was...". Does it mean that your girl-friend/boyfriend?Wife or Husband?at any moment of their life?get some better options; if after some time?may be after one year or 10 yrs or 25 yrs?they want to move on, without you as their companion?you must let them go. Don't you think it is a suicide?

Secondly, "Love is to GIVE without any expectations or is it to grow mutually". We talk about unconditional love, we talk about giving; if giving is one of the way to love, does it mean that the receiver is committing a sin. We talk about unconditional love for God. Even then when we pray, we expect something in return?we expect peace and harmony, protection against evils, happiness in life and other such things. A person, who is regular in prayers and still faces tough time in his/her life?what do you think?how long will he continue to pray?one yr., two yrs., ten yrs at one point of time, he will sit and think?what is that I am getting from all these.

Thirdly, in any relation, expectations are from both sides. If expectations are from both sides, then where is a concept of having unconditional love? It is, give and take; be it love or respect. As they say, before you expect?you must deserve. Saying that you failed to live up to my expectations will not solve any purpose. It is not that only you can have expectations, the other person is also having every right to have some expectations from you. What do you say?

These are some questions and I am trying to find an answer for them. Hence, I am EXPECTING your inputs and comments.

Have a great weekend and take care of yourself.

Stay in touch.

With Lots of Love and Care,
Sanjeev Himachal

Comment:
I think your words "trying to find an answer for them" are indicative of the responses you may get. Is there a "right" answer? In my opinion, no, there isn't - however I too look forward to differing thoughts and opinions. My thoughts are it lies within the person - if they love themselves enough then they may be able to set those they love free - in my experience it often seems that it is the love of oneself that reflects on how we interact with those we love.Sanjeev - I have been meaning to let you know that I appreciate your posts - which are regular (a feat in this over laden plate world or late)-and always interesting and thought-provoking. Thank you.

Lora Haak
Associate Director Organization Development
GSC CS&L, Strategy & Sector Teams
Niagara Falls, Ontario
(905) 371-7443

Analysis - 1
(By Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D.; Atlanta, GA, USA; 770-804-9125)

Sanjeev wrote:
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We have learned, "If you love someone, Set her free...If she comes back, she's yours, If she doesn't, she's never was...". Does it mean that your girl-friend/boyfriend?Wife or Husband?at any moment of their life?get some better options; if after some time?may be after one year or 10 yrs or 25 yrs?they want to move on, without you as their companion?you must let them go. Don't you think it is a suicide?
~~~~~

For me, this notion is somewhat akin to a principle we teach in our couples/relationship coaching work and workshops, namely, what we call "Walking."

Walking addresses primary insecurities that plague all partners because emotional and financial dependencies can mean slow death -- of respect, trust and passion. When intimates are willing and able to leave the relationship if need be, it's their best insurance that they won't.

Allowing the other to "walk" while perhaps painful, in some respect, most often reveals an inner sense of security and groundedness and inner-outer congruence, a spiritual maturity.

On the other hand, fear of leaving or fear of allowing the other to leave can often be a sign of some element of dysfunction or co-dependency.

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Secondly, "Love is to GIVE without any expectations or is it to grow mutually"
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We find that most relationships that dissolve do so because one or both of the partners failed to be clear up front on what we refer to as "requirements, needs and wants." Requirements are non-negotiable elements that, if not met, will end in a failed relationship. Unmet requirements are relationship breakers. Some requirements are: authenticity, addiction-free, healthy mind, body and spirit, monogamy, financially secure, shared sense of humor. etc.

Unconditional love does not preclude requirements, wants and needs if a relationship is to be loving, lasting and healthy.

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...in any relation, expectations are from both sides...It is not that only you can have expectations, the other person is also having every right to have some expectations from you. What do you say if expectations are from both sides...
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This is tricky in our experience. Until and unless one does a conscious, and very conscious, exploration of one's relationship history, and relationship patterns, then there is no way to know if one's so-called expectations emanate from one's core, one's essence, one's core values, relationship vision, and purpose in life, or simply from just watching a reality TV show. Often, in our experience, failed relationships stem from expectations that are ego-based, fear-based or from some other negative source (belief, self-image, assumption, etc) that end up sabotaging the relationship.

Lastly, I find it interesting how so many folks have experience with failed relationships and have all the answers as to why they didn't work out.

"This one was "something" (negative) and "that one was "something else" (negative) and "the third didn't have this or that.....and on and on.

The Great AHA comes when I ask this individual, "Well, what's the one single common denominator that runs through all your failed relationships?"And s/he will think, and think and think some more and then I'll offer........"you."A mild awakening to say the least. And this is where the " relationship work" begins.

Analysis-2

(By Jesse Bowen; Volunteer Resources & Grief Support Programs; Rotary Hospice House 3089 Clapperton Street, Prince George, BC. V2L 5N4 Canada; Phone (250)563-2481 - Fax (250)563-2485)

Sanjeev wrote:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Love is to hold your loved ones or to set them free". We have learned, "If you love someone, Set her free...If she comes back, she's yours, If she doesn't, she's never was...". Does it mean that your girl-friend/boyfriend?Wife or Husband?at any moment of their life?get some better options; if after some time?may be after one year or 10 yrs or 25 yrs?they want to move on, without you as their companion?you must let them go. Don't you think it is a suicide?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For me, to set my loved one free is to honor her in her life and her journey. To encourage her to reach her goals and dreams, to be her cheerleader, to be her friend, to want the very best for her. If we have a good relationship - one that is honest, open, honorable, respectful, full of the spirit of negotiation and equality - and I work to be the best partner I can be, then the likelihood of her going off somewhere in the future without me is pretty small. We have a commitment to build a life together. If however, at some point in the future, she needs to go in one direction for her development and growth and I need to go in another, then we will either negotiate our way around/through it or we will part ways with love for each other and best wishes to each other's future. We will continue to care about each other - even if our paths take us in different directions. Neither of us knows what the future holds, but we are both very certain that no matter what it is, we will handle it with maturity and love. To love her is to want what is best for her ... not what is best or most convenient for me.

Sanjeev wrote:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We talk about unconditional love, we talk about giving; if giving is one of the way to love, does it mean that the receiver is committing a sin. We talk about unconditional love for God. Even then when we pray, we expect something in return?we expect peace and harmony, protection against evils, happiness in life and other such things.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

First...see above. I have had the privilege of receiving unconditional love from two people. People who loved me and supported me even when they disagreed with my behavior and/or decisions. They never put me down or undermined my decisions or created doubt. They loved me and let me make my mistakes as I needed to, to learn my own lessons and to grow at my own pace. I know that watching me was painful at times (I used to be a major screw up), but they never tried to change me. They let me change myself - when I was ready.

I have only once achieved unconditional love for another person who is very close to me. And I am working very hard to get there again with my partner. It is hard, as I often want her to change, to do things differently than she does, to make things easier or more comfortable for me. I am working to honor those habits and quirks that right now drive me crazy. To honor her own journey of self-discovery and not try to hurry her along or make her learn from my lessons. It is work to get there. I'm not there yet, but I'm getting better at it and getting closer to my goal. It is a goal that I know is achievable.

Sanjeev wrote:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If expectations are from both sides, then where is a concept of having unconditional love? It is, give and take; be it love or respect. As they say, before you expect?you must deserve. Saying that you failed to live up to my expectations will not solve any purpose.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ah ... this is a tricky one isn't it. When a person is consistently honorable in their interactions, then I come to expect them to be honorable and I am disappointed or hurt when they are not. But they are human and have bad days and make mistakes. Do I withdraw my love because I got hurt? Or do I continue to love them and take ownership of my expectation (which was that they never make a mistake) and take ownership for my feelings. My expectation and resulting feeling does not have to negate unconditional love.

When I expect someone I don't know very well to be honorable, then I am expecting them to operate by my standards, and invariably I get hurt - because each person has their own values, rules etc to live by and many of them don't match mine. Unconditional love demands that I accept them, as they are, not how I want them to be.

This does not mean that I must become a doormat to be walked on and treated badly. I can draw clear boundaries around how I expect to be treated, and around what types of treatment I will not tolerate. Unconditional love means that I love the person, reject the behavior. If someone steals from me, I may not let them into my home or leave them alone with my wallet, but I don't have to put them out of my life completely and I can provide opportunities for them to earn the trust and privilege to re-enter my home at a later date. If someone is abusive in their language toward me, I can cut them out of my life, labelling them as abusive. Or I can tell them what my expectation is around how they speak to me, and that once they have had time to think about it, cool off, etc, they can come and try again. Unconditional love of the person does not mean accepting unhealthy or hurtful behavior. It means loving them despite the behavior and never shutting the door to the future.

I believe that unconditional love, total acceptance, respect for others, honesty, integrity, and a host of other desirable traits are the ideal. The 100%. The perfection. They are the goals that I work toward, knowing that I may never attain them completely and even if I do, I probably won't be able to sustain them 100% of the time. For I am human and human beings are fallible. But as someone once said "Shoot for the moon, that way if you miss you will at least land amongst the stars".

This is how these things have been taught to me. I too am interested in hearing others' perspectives.

About Author
Sanjeev Himachali
E-mail: ss_himachali@yahoo.com, sanjeev.himachali@gmail.com
Blog: http://sanjeevhimachali.blogspot.com/
You can read my ITES-BPO related articles at www.bpoindia.org/research and http://www.contactcenterworld.com/articles.asp

Sanjeev (Himachali) Sharma, is a 29 yrs of age from India, having six years of experience in "Human Resource Development". By qualification, he is Bachelor of Science and Masters in Business Administration. He is also a Motivational and Inspirational writer and speaker.