Politics Information |
How To Date Ann Coulter (If You Must)
I've decided to go public with my intentions: I will not be asking Ann Coulter for a date. There are some good reasons. First, I'm married. Second, there is a substantial age differential. And, third, I fear rejection. While reading Coulter's book, How to Talk to Liberals (If You Must), I thought about the prospects. A single, middle-aged guy who's still trying to look like he's in his 20s would make a perfect match. But before you pick up the phone to pop the question, there are some things you need to know. Keep in mind, for example, that Ann Coulter is relatively good looking. "Relative to what?" you ask. "A '58 Buick? Tapioca? Phyllis Schlafly?" Yes. You'll also want to know that Coulter was born and raised in the Bubba Belt. That's important. Not because she's Ann Coulter, but because it's a date. Any guy who's opened the door for feminist, been called a chauvinist and then jabbed with an upper right (knee) knows all about this. Coulter is no feminist. You will open the door for her. And if you don't, you may get jabbed with an upper right. And that brings me to another announcement. Thursday, April 1, all the women of the world are to meet in my living room. If you are a feminist, you will be tattooed with an X on your forehead. If you are not a feminist, you will be marked with an O. That will end door-opening offenses for women and considerable pain for men. Back to our date with Coulter. You will pick her up at her stylish Washington, D.C. apartment, say, 5ish. When you first see the flow of long blond hair covering the left-side of her face [see photo here], you may want to raise your eyebrows twice. That's body language. It means "hubba-hubba" in Bubbaland. However, the significance of the left-face covering should not be noticed. Just gaze into her gorgeous right eyeball. The preferred date for the evening will be the NBA game. The Indiana Pacers will be playing the Detroit Bullets-oops-Pistons. Granted, it's an unlikely event in Washington, but this is an imaginary date. Don't get excited. Small talk in route to the event will be in order. You will notice Coulter loves words that no one can use or understand, except for her and William F. Buckley, Jr. The most common is "felonious." According the dictionary.com, the word is defined as "adj., relating to anyone Ann Coulter finds disagreeable." It also works well in titles. There was Alexander the Great, Richard the Lionhearted and, according the Coulter, Bill Clinton the Felonious Liar. Sitting somewhere in the arena will be interesting. Coulter will glare with her right eye at the massive structure and lament that its lugubrious bathos was built with lachrymose tax dollars by schadenfreude liberals; all words found on pages 128 and 129 of her book. Not to worry. Excuse yourself during the first fight and go to the gift shop in the lobby. You'll want to buy a voice-activated electronic dictionary with a LCD screen. There is no gift shop, but there is the hair-coming-out-his-nose hotdog stand guy and - just your luck - he's still got a few electronic dictionaries for $14.95; $16.95 with mustard. Back in the stands, you can now understand Coulter. Contretemps, you learn, means, affliction; epiphanic means something akin to religious, and @#%&* (page 309) means Hillary's serious about running for president. Wise guy that you are, you'll want to have a bit of humor ready when the Pacers and Pistons square off in row 12. While Artest is punching an epiphanic (page 105) fan in the nose, you will turn and look Coulter in the eye and quip, "Geez, I didn't know these guys could play hockey!!" If she sniggles (not in her book), you've made a hit. If she rambles on about why white hockey players don't get fined for fighting because they're, uh, white, then you've got a ways to go. With the game over, it's time to escort Coulter to a fine dining establishment. At your date's behest, you mark Ben and Jerry's off the list. Chinese sounds good and if you can't understand your waiter, does it matter? You can't understand your date, either. The conversation turns to politics. (Who woulda known.) Coulter's right eye gleams as she rants about feminist cornpones (page 235), gun owners' rights and the need to squarsh the IRS like a bug. So far so good. You decide you may have met your match. But then you bring up civil liberties and Coulter tussles her hair and - gasp! - she has a left eye after all. Her right eye now covered, she goes apoplectic over the smarminess of the war on drugs (pages 246 and 44.) "It's not about drugs," you explain. "It's about personal rights." Her left eye glares. "You know," you add, "like the Patriot Act." Her left eye bugs out. Enough is enough, you decide. Noting the O tattooed on her forehead, you get to pick up the tab. And the tip. The evening ends when you walk Coulter to the door of her crib and give her a friendly kiss her on her tattoo. "No wonder," you surmise, "the Libertarians in Connecticut didn't want her on their ticket." Your conclusion is ineluctable (page 30.)
MORE RESOURCES: Unable to open template $TEMPLATEfilename, exiting |
RELATED ARTICLES
North Korea and Diplomatic Solutions; Random Thoughts Part II North Korea and diplomatic games; something has to give and negotiating with those who renege on promises in treaties is a problematic issue for the United States. Here are some additional random thoughts on this issue which span a few years of off and on thinking on the matter. Fury and Sound as GM Seeds Abound We have all heard of the huge debates surrounding genetically modified crops. Yet we also have all seen the advertising to sponsor a child in the third world. What could Macedonia Learn from a Tiger? Asian Tigers and Uninterrupted Economic Growth The first reaction of economies in transition is a sharp decline in their production, mainly in industrial production. In the countries which attained independence with the demise of the British Empire (where the sun never set) - industrial production fell by 20% on average. National Security; College Campuses I have witnessed a new era of security in the US. It is by far more prevalent than ever before. 911 Conspiracy Theory Revealed During Coffee Shop Conversation A coffee shop conversation about a Great Country in Historic Times. It seems there are many out there who believe in conspiracy theories and are all too quick to label and judge our leadership as evil. The Worlds Eldest Democracy Was A Truly Romantic Affair Visible remnants of the world's eldest democracy can be seen in a town in the Carantania region in what is now Austria, where during the early Middle Ages, the tribal society of a Slav people managed to live for over 100 years without being invaded and out of sheer happiness invented a democratic system. They did not call it a democracy but the word invented later was taken directly from their example. Economic Free Zones in Macedonia Question: Dr. Vaknin - is it true that you are the father of the Law of Free Economic Zones?Answer: I participated in the dedicated and professional team, from many ministries and state organs, which prepared the law. Seven Things That Make Me Angry I watch the TV news and I get angry. I really need to quit that. When Will the World Wake Up? How can any human being today, anywhere in this world, not be fearful and angry? We have turned into a society where hate is a primary emotion. People are killing people, nations are destroying nations; it's a never ending battle of might over right. Poitical Opinion - No Comment Publicity is correlative to your position in the community. Seldom does the quiet worker, without incident become published in local news or publications. The Criminality of Transition Lecture given at the Netherlands Economic Institute (NEI) on 18/4/2001Human vice is the most certain thing after death and taxes, to paraphrase Benjamin Franklin. The only variety of economic activity, which will surely survive even a nuclear holocaust, is bound to be crime. US Social Security - Is President Bush A Robin Hood After All? The Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development issued a report Monday that pointed out that even though the US proposals will yield a system that reaches the poor in a more redistributive way than many other countries, the average pay outs of the government pensions are rather low at around 51% of a retiree's previously earned salary as compared to over 70% in other OECD countries.Only New Zealand and Ireland outperform the US in reaching its poorest nationals because they have simple flat-rate state pensions. Stopping a Nuclear Bomb on a Hydrofoil The US Homeland Security is worried about Hydrofoil or Skimmer Craft used as fast moving bombs on water entering one of our ports or Naval shipyards. If you will remember the XXX" Movie with the Hydrofoil Craft with a Biological Weapon which would kill millions of people if it released it's gaseous cargo. Newspaper Reporters Tread Lightly on Compulsive Gambling Addiction Websites designed to help people overcome their gambling addictions have recently been contacted by television associate producers and reporters in an effort to obtain information about individuals who have been affected by compulsive gambling addictions. In most cases, they are looking for people to come forward and share how their lives have been impacted by local gambling establishments. Federal Trade Commission Falsely Purports Franchise Disclosure is Cost Effective In a recent report on the status of the Franchising Industry, the Federal Trade Commission knowingly and falsely purported that its Franchise Disclosure Rules are cost effective. In fact; there is nothing inexpensive or "cost-effective" about the 190 to 230 pages of disclosures that franchisors must give to prospective franchisees. The Options For Regime Change In Iran If recent speeches by US officials on Iran's plans to become a nuclear power can be seen as part of a build-up to a possible US-evoked regime change in Iran, the intelligence behind it is at once scant and abundant. Whatever the real official US policy toward Iran is aiming for exactly is hard to get clear, but it is noteworthy that off late, US officials have stepped up their campaign of Iran criticism. Space Colonies a Primary Goal Many folks who are pro-NASA and Pro-Space Colonies say that this should be our primary goal as a nation, as individuals and for corporations as well. However this argument is cut short with reality of the needs of mankind. Cloaking Giant Airships is Possible, Why Stop There? We know we can cloak a giant airship from those looking up at it by simply using a video to tape what is above it and then display that on the bottom of the blimp. Those looking up at it will see not see a blimp but rather the sky above displayed like a giant flat movie screen which has been curved around the bottom of the blimp. Socialist Public Schools In America Many parents might think it a bit farfetched to compare our public schools to schools in socialist or communist countries. However, if we look closer, we will see striking similarities between the two systems. Fraud From FTC Insiders, Who Can You Trust? The FTC franchising division purports their law enforcement experience in a recent report on franchising. Yet they are so busy attacking companies without solving the real issues. |
home | site map | contact us |