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Parenting - The Irrational Vocation
There are some grounds to assume that a cognitive dissonance is involved in feeling that children are more a satisfaction than a nuisance. Why do people bother with parenting? It is time consuming, exhausting, strains otherwise pleasurable and tranquil relationships to their limits. Still, humanity keeps at it: breeding. It is the easiest to resort to Nature. After all, all living species breed and most of them parent. We are, all taken into consideration, animals and, therefore, subject to the same instinctive behaviour patterns. There is no point in looking for a reason: survival itself (whether of the gene pool or, on a higher level, of the species) is at stake. Breeding is a transport mechanism: handing the precious cargo of genetics down generations of "organic containers". But this is a reductionist view, which both ignores epistemological and emotional realities - and is tautological, thereby explaining something in terms of itself. Calling something by a different name or describing the mechanisms involved in minute detail does not an explanation make. First hypothesis: we bring children to the world in order to "circumvent" death. We attain immortality (genetically and psychologically - though in both cases it is imaginary) by propagating our genetic material through the medium of our offspring. This is a highly dubious claim. Any analysis, however shallow, will reveal its weaknesses. Our genetic material gets diluted beyond reconstruction with time. It constitutes 50% of the first generation, 25% of the second and so on. If this were the paramount concern - incest should have been the norm, being a behaviour better able to preserve a specific set of genes (especially today, when genetic screening can effectively guard against the birth of defective babies). Moreover, progeny is a dubious way of perpetuating one's self. No one remembers one's great great grandfathers. One's memory is better preserved by intellectual feats or architectural monuments. The latter are much better conduits than children and grandchildren. Still, this indoctrinated misconception is so strong that a baby boom characterizes post war periods. Having been existentially threatened, people multiply in the vain belief that they thus best protect their genetic heritage and fixate their memory. In the better-educated, higher income, low infant mortality part of the world - the number of children has decreased dramatically - but those who still bring them to the world do so partly because they believe in these factually erroneous assumptions. Second hypothesis: we bring children to the world in order to preserve the cohesiveness of the family nucleus. This claim can more plausibly be reversed: the cohesiveness of the social cell of the family encourages bringing children to the world. In both cases, if true, we would have expected more children to be born into stable families (ante or post facto) than into abnormal or dysfunctional ones. The facts absolutely contradict this expectation: more children are born to single parent families (between one third and one half of them) and to other "abnormal" (non-traditional) families than to the mother-father classic configuration. Dysfunctional families have more children than any other type of family arrangement. Children are an abject failure at preserving family cohesiveness. It would seem that the number of children, or even their very existence, is not correlated to the stability of the family. Under special circumstances, (Narcissistic parents, working mothers) they may even be a destabilizing factor. Hypothesis number three: children are mostly born unwanted. They are the results of accidents and mishaps, wrong fertility planning, wrong decisions and misguided turns of events. The more sex people engage in and the less preventive measures they adopt - the greater the likelihood of having a child. While this might be factually true (family planning is all but defunct in most parts of the world), it neglects the simple fact that people want children and love them. Children are still economic assets in many parts of the world. They plough fields and do menial jobs very effectively. This still does not begin to explain the attachment between parents and their offspring and the grief experienced by parents when children die or are sick. It seems that people derive enormous emotional fulfilment from being parents. This is true even when the children were unwanted in the first place or are the results of lacking planning and sexual accidents. That children ARE the results of sexual ignorance, bad timing, the vigorousness of the sexual drive (higher frequency of sexual encounters) - can be proven using birth statistics among teenagers, the less educated and the young (ages 20 to 30). People derive great happiness, fulfilment and satisfaction from their children. Is not this, in itself, a sufficient explanation? The pleasure principle seems to be at work: people have children because it gives them great pleasure. Children are sources of emotional sustenance. As parents grow old, they become sources of economic support, as well. Unfortunately, these assertions are not sustained by the facts. Increasing mobility breaks families apart at an early stage. Children become ever more dependent on the economic reserves of their parents (during their studies and the formation of a new family). It is not uncommon today for a child to live with and off his parents until the age of 30. Increasing individualism leaves parents to cope with the empty nest syndrome. Communication between parents and children has rarefied in the 20th century. It is possible to think of children as habit forming (see: "The Habit of Identity"). In this hypothesis, parents - especially mothers - form a habit. Nine months of pregnancy and a host of social reactions condition the parents. They get used to the presence of an "abstract" baby. It is a case of a getting used to a concept. This is not very convincing. Entertaining a notion, a concept, a thought, an idea, a mental image, or a symbol very rarely leads to the formation of a habit. Moreover, the living baby is very different to its pre-natal image. It cries, it soils, it smells, it severely disrupts the lives of its parents. It is much easier to reject it then to transform it to a habit. Moreover, a child is a bad emotional investment. So many things can and do go wrong with it as it grows. So many expectations and dreams are frustrated. The child leaves home and rarely reciprocates. The emotional "returns" on an investment in a child are rarely commensurate with the magnitude of the investment. This is not to say that people do NOT derive pleasure and fulfilment from their offspring. This is undeniable. Yet, it is neither in the economic nor in the mature emotional arenas. To have children seems to be a purely Narcissistic drive, a part of the pursuit of Narcissistic supply. For further elaboration, please refer to: "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited" and the Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) sections. We are all Narcissists, to a greater or lesser degree. A Narcissist is a person who projects a (false) image to the people around him. He then proceeds to define himself by this very image reflected back at him. Thus, he regards people as mere instruments, helpful in his Sisyphean attempt at self-definition. Their attention is crucial because it augments his weak ego and defines its boundaries. The Narcissist feeds off their admiration, adoration and approval and these help him to maintain a grandiose (fantastic and delusional) sense of self. As the personality matures, Narcissism is replaced with the ability to empathize and to love. The energy (libido) initially directed at loving one's (false) self is redirected at more multidimensional, less idealized "targets": others. This edifice of maturity seems to crumble at the sight of one's offspring. The baby evokes in the parent the most primordial drives, a regression to infancy, protective, animalistic instincts, the desire to merge with the newborn and a sense of terror generated by such a desire (a fear of vanishing and of being assimilated). The parent relives his infancy and childhood through the agency of the baby. The newborn provides the parent with endless, unconditional and unbounded Narcissistic supply. This is euphemistically known as love - but it is really a form of symbiotic dependence, at least in the beginning of the relationship. Such narcissistic supply is addictive even to the more balanced, more mature, more psychodynamically stable of parents. It enhances the parent's self-confidence, self esteem and buttresses his self image. It fast becomes indispensable, especially in the emotionally vulnerable position in which the parent finds himself. This vulnerability is a result of the reawakening and reconstruction of all the conflicts and unsolved complexes that the parent had with his own parents. If explanation is true, the following should also hold true: - The higher the self confidence, the self esteem, the self worth, the clearer and more realistic the self image of the potential parent - the less children he will have (the Principle of the Conservation of the Ego boundaries)
- The more sources of readily available Narcissistic supply - the less children are needed (the substitutability of Narcissistic sources of supply)
Sure enough, both predictions are validated by reality. The higher the education and the income of adults - the fewer children they tend to have. People with a higher education and with a greater income are more likely to have a more established sense of self worth. Children become counter-productive: not only is their Narcissistic input (supply) unnecessary, they can also hinder further progress. Having children is not a survival or genetically oriented imperative. Had this been the case, the number of children would have risen together with free income. Yet, exactly the reverse is happening: the more children people can economically afford - the fewer they have. The more educated they are (=the more they know about the world and about themselves), the less they seek to procreate. The more advanced the civilization, the more efforts it invests into preventing the birth of children: contraceptives, family planning, abortions. These all are typical of affluent, well educated societies. And the more Narcissistic supply can be derived from other sources - the less do people resort to making children and to other procreative activities (such as sex). Freud described the mechanism of sublimation: the sex drive, the Eros (libido), can be "converted", "sublimated" into other activities. All the sublimatory channels and activities are Narcissistic in character: politics, art. They all provide what children do: narcissistic supply. They make children redundant. It is not by coincidence that people famous for their creativity tend to have less children than the average (most of them, none at all). They are Narcissistically self sufficient, they do not need children. This seems to be the key to our determination to have children: To experience the unconditional love that we received from our mothers, this intoxicating feeling of being loved without caveats, for what we are, with no limits, reservations, or calculations. This is the most powerful, crystallized source of Narcissistic supply. It nourishes our self-love, self worth and self-confidence. It infuses us with feelings of omnipotence and omniscience. In these, and other respects, it is a return to infancy. Appendix Question: Is there a "typical" relationship between the Narcissist and his family? Answer: We are all members of a few families in our lifetime: the one that we are born to and the one(s) that we create. We all transfer hurts, attitudes, fears, hopes and desires - a whole emotional baggage - from the former to the latter. The narcissist is no exception. The narcissist has a dichotomous view of humanity: humans are either Sources of Narcissistic Supply (and, then, idealised and over-valued) or do not fulfil this function (and, therefore, are valueless, devalued). The narcissist gets all the love that he needs from himself. From the outside he needs approval, affirmation, admiration, adoration, attention - in other words, externalised Ego boundary functions. He does not require - nor does he seek - his parents' or his siblings' love, or to be loved by his children. He casts them as the audience in the theatre of his inflated grandiosity. He wishes to impress them, shock them, threaten them, infuse them with awe, inspire them, attract their attention, subjugate them, or manipulate them. He emulates and simulates an entire range of emotions and employs every means to achieve these effects. He lies (narcissists are pathological liars - their very self is a false one). He plays the pitiful, or, its opposite, the resilient and reliable. He stuns and shines with outstanding intellectual, or physical (or anything else appreciated by the members of the family) capacities and achievements. When confronted with (young) siblings or with his own children, the narcissist is likely to undergo three reactive phases: At first, he perceives his offspring as a threat to his Narcissistic Supply Sources (his turf, the Pathological Narcissistic Space). He does his best to belittle them, hurt (also physically) and humiliate them and then, when these reactions prove ineffective or counter productive, he retreats into an imaginary world of omnipotence. A period of emotional absence and detachment ensues. The narcissist indulges himself in daydreaming, delusions of grandeur, planning of future coups, nostalgia and hurt (the Lost Paradise Syndrome). The narcissist reacts this way to the birth of his children or to the introduction of new centres of attention to the family cell (even a new pet!). Whatever the narcissist perceives to be his competition for scarce Narcissistic Supply is relegated to the role of the enemy. Where no legitimacy exists for the uninhibited expression of the aggression and hostility aroused by this predicament - the narcissist prefers to stay away. He disconnects, detaches himself emotionally, becomes cold and disinterested, directs transformed anger at his mate or at his parents (the more legitimate targets). Other narcissists see the opportunity in the "mishap". They seek to manipulate their parents (or their mate) by "taking over" the newcomer. Such narcissists monopolise their siblings or their new-born children. This way, indirectly, the narcissist basks in the attention directed at the infant. An example: by being closely identified with his offspring, a narcissistic father secures the grateful admiration of the mother ("What an outstanding father he is"). He also assumes part of or all the credit for baby's/sibling's achievements. This is a process of annexation and assimilation of the other, a strategy that the narcissist makes use of in most of his relationships. As the baby/sibling grows older, the narcissist begins to see their potential to be edifying, reliable and satisfactory Sources of Narcissistic Supply. His attitude, then, is completely transformed. The former threats have now become promising potentials. He cultivates those whom he trusts to be the most rewarding. He encourages them to idolise him, to adore him, to be awed by him, to admire his deeds and capabilities, to learn to blindly trust and obey him, in short to surrender to his charisma and to become submerged in his folies-de-grandeur. These roles - allocated to them explicitly and demandingly or implicitly and perniciously by the narcissist - are best fulfilled by ones whose mind is not fully formed and independent. The older the siblings or offspring, the more they become critical, even judgmental, of the narcissist. They are better able to put into context and perspective his actions, to question his motives, to anticipate his moves. They refuse to continue to play the mindless pawns in his chess game. They hold grudges against him for what he has done to them in the past, when they were less capable of resistance. They can gauge his true stature, talents and achievements - which, usually, lag far behind the claims that he makes. This brings the narcissist a full cycle back to the first phase. Again, he perceives his Siblings or sons/daughters as threats. He quickly becomes disillusioned, in one of the spastic devaluation reactions typical of his appraisal of humans around him. He loses all interest, becomes emotionally remote, absent and cold, rejects any effort to communicate with him, citing life pressures and the preciousness and scarceness of his time. He feels burdened, cornered, besieged, suffocated, and claustrophobic. He wants to get away, to abandon his commitments to people who have become totally useless (or even damaging) to him. He does not understand why he has to support them, to suffer their company and he believes himself to have been trapped. He rebels either passively-aggressively (by refusing to act or intentionally sabotaging the relationships) or actively (by being overly critical, aggressive, unpleasant, verbally and psychologically abusive and so on). Slowly - to justify his acts to himself - he gets immersed in conspiracy theories with clear paranoid hues. To his mind, the members of the family conspire against him, seek to belittle or humiliate or subordinate him, do not understand him, stymie his growth. The narcissist usually finally gets what he wants and the family that he has created disintegrates to his great sorrow (due to the loss of the Narcissistic Space) - but also to his great relief and surprise (how could they have let go someone as unique as he?). This is the cycle: the narcissist feels threatened by arrival of new family members - assimilation of siblings or offspring - obtaining Narcissistic Supply from them - overvaluation of these new sources by the narcissist - as sources grow older and independent, they adopt anti narcissistic behaviours - the narcissist devalues them - the narcissist feels stifled and trapped - the narcissist becomes paranoid - the narcissist rebels and the family disintegrates. This cycle characterises not only the family life of the narcissist. It is to be found in other realms of his life (his career, for instance). At work, the narcissist, initially, feels threatened (no one knows him, he is a nobody). Then, he develops a circle of admirers, cronies and friends which he "nurtures and cultivates" in order to obtain Narcissistic Supply from them. He overvalues them (they are the brightest, the most loyal, with the biggest chances to climb the corporate ladder and other superlatives). But following some anti-narcissistic behaviours on their part (a critical remark, a disagreement, a refusal, however polite, all constitute such behaviours) - the narcissist devalues all these previously over-valued individuals. Now they are stupid, lack ambition, skills and talents, common (the worst expletive in the narcissist's vocabulary), with an unspectacular career ahead of them. The narcissist feels that he is misallocating his resources (for instance, his time). He feels besieged and suffocated. He rebels and erupts in a serious of self-defeating and self-destructive behaviours, which lead to the disintegration of his life. Doomed to build and ruin, attach and detach, appreciate and depreciate, the narcissist is predictable in his Death Wish. What sets him apart from other suicidal types is that his wish is granted to him in small, tormenting doses throughout his anguished life. About The Author Sam Vaknin is the author of "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited" and the editor of mental health categories in The Open Directory, Suite101, and searcheurope.com. His web site: http://samvak.tripod.com Frequently asked questions regarding narcissism: http://samvak.tripod.com/faq1.html Narcissistic Personality Disorder on Suite101: http://www.suite101.com/welcome.cfm/npd
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01/15/2024
Shifting Gears for 2024
I love podcasting and the platform we've built with Real World Parenting. I could do this all day every day. That being said, this year I'm focusing my energy on my practice and on doing national and international trainings. You can find more in the meantime on my blog, newsletter, and online courses. I truly appreciate your ongoing support, and I'm eager to reconnect with you for a fresh and empowering podcast in the future. www.drlauraanderson.com https://drlsanderson.thinkific.com
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12/30/2023
Heartfelt Adoption: From Viral Moments to Real Parenting with Kaitlyn Moreau Thibodeaux
Tune in for a heartfelt account of navigating the complex emotions of sadness, joy, and overwhelming feelings that come with adoption. Dr. Laura Anderson invites Kaitlyn Moreau Thibodeaux on to share her experience in adopting a child and what she has learned along the way. Learn about the importance of making space for both the challenges and joys, and why embracing the full spectrum of emotions is crucial in serving your child in the best way possible. What You Will Learn: - The effects of going viral
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12/08/2023
Natural Hair Care with Shalita Grant
Join us in this candid and empowering episode as we sit down with Shalita Grant for a conversation about natural hair care. Best known for her role in NCIS: New Orleans, Shalita opens up about the realization that her hair was becoming an obstacle in her acting career. As an actress with Type 4 hair, the tightest texture on the hair chart, she faced unique challenges while on NCIS New Orleans. Shalita experienced traction alopecia in her second season and significant hair loss along her hairline in the third season, ultimately leading to her decision to break contract and leave her job by the fourth season. These experiences led to Shalita creating the Four Naturals solution. Delve into the emotional aspects of her experience and gain insights on fostering a healthy relationship with hair, especially for kids. What You Will Learn: - Why Shalita quit NCIS
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11/27/2023
Medical Self Care with Suzanne Rabi Soliman, PharmD, BCMAS
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11/10/2023
Dyslexia Demystified: Parenting from a Strengths Perspective with Russel Van Brocklin
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10/27/2023
Financial Planning For College with Ann Garcia
Ann Garcia, aka The College Financial Lady, has helped thousands of families save millions of dollars on college. This week, Dr. Laura Anderson invites Ann on to share valuable strategies and pertinent information to set you and your child up for success in saving for their future. Great college options are available at every price point and there are various steps you can take to feel more prepared in this process.Ann Garcia is a fee-only Certified Financial Planner and managing partner of Independent Progressive Advisors, Ann specializes in helping families balance the desire to support their children’s dreams with the reality of funding their own lives. What You Will Learn: - What gets in the way of parents having a clear cut plan for paying for college
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10/13/2023
Nurturing Healthy Self-Image and Body Positivity with Jessica Secrest
This week Dr. Laura Anderson invites Jessica Secrest back to Real World Parenting to discuss a topic close to their hearts: nurturing body positivity in children. Together they explore ways to encourage empathy and be mindful of language and non-verbal cues that shape your children's self-image. Explore how to initiate these important conversations with your kids, emphasizing respect and kindness for the bodies they have. Tune in for an insightful discussion on promoting a positive body image. What You Will Learn: - Don't comment on your body in front of your children
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09/29/2023
Navigating Life While One Parent Is Frequently Out Of The Home with Rhoda Bangerter
In this episode, Dr. Laura Anderson and Rhoda Bangerter tackle how to thrive as a family when one partner is away a lot. They explore how to maintain strong parent-child relationships, teaching children to manage big emotions, and ways to reduce overwhelm.Rhoda Bangerter is a certified coach, a Speaker and the Author of “Holding the Fort Abroad”. Her husband has travelled for work their whole marriage and along the way, she realised the huge number of moms and dads around the world who experience the same challenges but with no resources to guide them through this journey. This led her to run extensive research, share her learnings through the book, Holding The Ford Abroad, and develop her services to support solo parents in long distance relationships or with travelling partners.What You Will Learn: What could chip away at a parent child relationship Having a support system because your children are not your emotional support Strengths that can emerge from this experience The Dr. Ken Canfield model - I can, intentional and consistent involvement
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09/15/2023
Navigating a Vulnerable Nervous System and Big, Baffling Behaviors with Robyn Gobbel
Ill behaviors make sense, even the ones that don't. In this episode, Dr. Laura Anderson invites Robyn Gobbel to explore vulnerable nervous systems and tools for regulating your child's big stress behaviors. They explore the neurobiology of lying, changing our expectations around trust, and setting psychological boundaries. Robbyn Gobel has been described by a student as "neuroscience with heart, wrapped in glitter and fun." Before the COVID-19 pandemic, Robyn was a therapist for almost 20 years, specializing in complex trauma, attachment, and adoption. Now she creates communities and educational experiences grounded in regulation, connection, and felt safety for parents and professionals all over the world. What You Will Learn:- What goes on in your child's nervous system when they are lying
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08/25/2023
Recognizing Autism in Teen Girls with Dr. Holley Kaskel
Girls with autism present differently. A diagnosis can impact everything about the way you interact with your child and can validate the way your child views themselves. This week, Dr. Laura Anderson invites Dr. Holley Kaskel on to discuss all things autism from masking to emotional intensity and understanding sensory overload.Dr. Holley Kaskel is a clinical psychologist and founder of LightHeart Associates, a collection of comprehensive outpatient mental health clinics in the Seattle area. She is also the mom of 3, including two neurodivergent daughters. Dr. Holley herself also identifies as a queer, neurodivergent adult and learns something new every day! What You Will Learn:- Girls and masking
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08/11/2023
Embracing Your Child's Inner Yeti with Meredith Rusu
Big feelings are normal and GOOD, but how you channel them is important. Your behaviors do not define who you are, but children can have an egocentric view that these big emotions mean they are inherently not good. Everything in parenting is trial and error, but this week's guest Meredith Rusu provides tools to help your child communicate big feelings and to help you share the joy in it.Meredith Rusu is the author of more than one hundred children’s books, notably There’s a Yeti in my Tummy (the first picture book in the Mighty Moods series), Anna, Elsa, and the Enchanting Holiday, Silenzio, Bruno!, and The DATA Set series under the name Ada Hopper. She has also written for many popular licenses including LEGO, Disney/Pixar, Peppa Pig, and Star Wars.What You Will Learn:- Finding a shared kid language to better communicate
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Resources:meredithrusu.com@meredithrusuwrites on IG
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07/28/2023
Loving an Amazing Child Whose Behaviors Can Be Hard to Like with Jessica Secrest
It can feel lonely when your child is struggling. At the end of the day you don't get a prize for being the most tired parent - ask for help, find community. The burden of motherhood is eased a lot when you're not alone. This week Dr. Laura Anderson invites Jessica Secrest to share her experience and tools for loving an amazing child whose behaviors can be hard to like. Jessica Secrest is a mom of 2, ages 4.5 and 3. Her eldest child was diagnosed with ADHD in 2023 and she shares tips, strategies, and struggles that come with caring for a neurodivergent child. She is an advocate for Body Positivity and works to show her kids that you can be happy no matter your size. Jessica is a big believer in finding your village in motherhood and shares her motherhood journey with her best friend Emily. She is known for sharing their childcare swap arrangements, expressing the importance of leaning on your village and taking time to spend with your spouse when you can. What You Will Learn: It takes a village Reinforcement to counteract the negative Don't give up - there will be trial and error, but you will find something that works for you Tips for getting your child to listen and hear what you say
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07/14/2023
Building Resilience and The Art of Setting Boundaries with Kristin and Mike Berry
Parenting is difficult and you are going to be tired, but you need rest and you CAN rest. Join us as we explore the essential elements of maintaining personal health and longevity while navigating the challenges of parenting. Learn strategies to establish boundaries, fine-tune the art of setting limits, and cultivate a support system. Gain valuable tricks and tips for bouncing back when you feel depleted, and remember: you're doing great.Kristin and Mike Berry have been married for more than 15 years and are the parents of 8 adopted children. They co-founded The Honestly Adoption Company, a team of fellow foster and adoptive parents who provide top notch support, mentoring, coaching, and training to help parents thrive and, in turn, transform their families.What You Will Learn:- Longevity and personal health is possible
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07/03/2023
Empowering the Next Generation: Teaching Self-Advocacy in Neurodivergent Youth with Emily Kircher-Morris, LPC
Neurodiversity refers to the idea that there are all kinds of brains and celebrating neurodiversity encourages us to move away from pathologizing the way that different people learn and think. I urge you to challenge the beliefs we have about the status quo. Emily Kircher-Morris, LPC joins Dr. Laura today for a conversation on the many sides to neurodivergence and how supporting children in this may require a change in perspective. They cover the importance of the affirmation of neurodiversity, teaching your child to advocate for themselves, and staying curious. Emily Kircher-Morris, M.A., M.Ed., LPC, inspired by her own experiences as a neurodivergent person, is dedicated to destigmatizing neurodiversity and supporting neurodivergent people of all ages. She started her career in education and is now in private practice near St. Louis, Missouri as a licensed professional counselor, where she specializes in supporting neurodivergent kids and adults (and their families). What You Will Learn: How to affirm and support neurodivergent teens How neurodivergence can result in anxiety How accommodations can impact a neurodivergent person There are ways to connect around this that help everyone feel successful Supporting teens in reclaiming and embracing those identities
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06/16/2023
The Power of Neurofeedback: Meeting Your Children's Need with Dianne Kosto
The power struggle that occurs when your child doesn't get the help they need leaves all parties feel like they're failing. If your child is struggling and you feel like you've exhausted your resources or haven't yet found the right support that works and are looking to expand to new modalities, Neurofeedback training may be the support you and your child need. Mom on a mission Dianne Kosto joins Dr. Laura Anderson for a conversation on what Neurofeedback training looks like and how it can help regulate your child's brain and make life easier. Dianne Kosto, is the CEO and Founder of SYMMETRY Neuro-Pathway Training, which provides Neurofeedback services and systems to individuals, families, therapeutic programs and professionals across the USA, Canada, and Mexico. With the knowledge that Neurofeedback saved her son's life and restored hope for her family, Dianne is a Mom on a Mission to make Neurofeedback technology available to individuals and families so they can avoid the trauma her family experienced as a result of her son's brain dysregulation. What You Will Learn What is a brain map report? Does insurance cover Neurofeedback training? What type of misinformation is out there?
Resources:https://symmetryneuropt.comhttps://isnr.org
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06/02/2023
Becoming a Skilled LGBTQ+ Advocate with Jeannie Gainsburg
This is the episode for you if you have wondered how to show up for a child who has come out as LGBTQ+, or if you'd like to parent kids who are allies to the LGBTQ+ community. Social justice starts on a small scale. Language is important, and Dr. Laura Anderson invites Jeannie Gainsburg on for conversation and laughs that also provide tips and strategies for how to navigate allyship and advocacy. The most protective thing we can do is practice careful curiosity. Jeannie Gainsburg is an educational trainer and consultant in the field of LGBTQ+ inclusion and effective allyship. Formerly the Education Director at the Out Alliance of Rochester, N.Y., she is the founder of Savvy Ally Action and author of the book, The Savvy Ally: A Guide for Becoming a Skilled LGBTQ+ Advocate. In 2019, Jeannie received a citation from the New York State Assembly for Distinguished Educational & Human Rights Services for her work in promoting LGBTQ+ rights and inclusion.What You Will Learn:- You can redo, rebuild and repair any 'mistakes'
- How to celebrate the invitation to expand limited boxes in our minds
- How to use the "switch it" technique to help you frame whether or not your language or question is respectful
- Using they as a singular pronoun
- How to practice pronouns
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05/19/2023
Brain Systems and Interventions for Growth with Patrick Martin
Often a fear of labels will hold people back from a diagnosis that will ultimately help them function better long term. Behavior is behavior, not good or bad. Discover the impact of labels, the importance of peer interactions, and the role of behavior without judgment as Dr. Laura Anderson and her guest, Patrick Martin, explore these ideas and more in this week's conversation of The Real World Parenting Podcast.Patrick C. Martin, PsyD, MA, MACP, LMHC is a clinician in Seattle, Washington whose training includes a Doctorate in Clinical Psychology, a two-year post-doctoral fellowship in Clinical Psychology and Forensic Psychology, a year-long Certificate in Advanced Training in Affirmative Therapy for Transgender Communities through Widener University. He is currently completing a two-year Neuropsychology Specialization program. He is licensed in Washington state under his Master’s License and enjoys working with children and adolescents who are gender expansive Once he is licensed as a Psychologist he looks forward to providing Neuropsychological and Forensic evaluations and continuing to provide care for children, adolescents, and the LGBTQIA community. He lives in Seattle Washington with his dog and enjoys spending time with his friends and colleagues. What You Will Learn:- Labels can provide relief
- Labels don't define you, it is just one component of many
- If we don't learn these skills when we're kids then it is incumbent upon us to learn and unlearn as adults
- How this may affect cortisol levels
- Understanding that minority stress and being picked on for being different impacts children in many ways
- Peer interactions are critical to functioning both short and long term
- Maintaining connection with your kiddo
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05/05/2023
Is There Ever An Okay Time to Celebrate Adoption? When Do Adoptive Parents Get To Say Yay?
This week's episode explores the complexity of celebration and adoption. Are there things to celebrate in adoption? Absolutely, but in order to celebrate, adoptive parents must also hold a space for the loss their child feels. Adoption is a shaping event in people's lives that plays a role in the attachment, self esteem, and elements woven throughout a lifetime. Join Dr. Laura Anderson as she shares the patterns that come up in adoptive families and how to celebrate intentionally.What You Will Learn:- Do not wait for your child to start the conversation, find age appropriate ways to talk to your child about adoption - truthfully and sensitively
- How public are you making this information about adoption?
- How to celebrate anniversaries
- Find adoptee voices
Resources:https://pactadopt.orghttps://www.angelatucker.com
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04/21/2023
Exploring Whiteness, Anti-Racism, and Parenting Interracially Adopted Teens with Beth Wheeler
Back by popular demand, Beth Wheeler: psychotherapist, educator, networker, and advocate who works to promote equity and inclusion with diverse populations in all areas of her work. Beth's first time on the Real World Parenting podcast is the most listened to episode of the show, so we wanted to further these vital conversations about whiteness, anti-racism, and parenting interracially adopted teensIf you haven't listened to our first conversation, you can listen hereSo much of adoption is about a confusing identity of frequently asking “where is home?” amidst unknowns of who you are. At a time where everybody is searching and trying to understand who they are, identity questions become more profound especially in children with intersecting identities. This week, Dr. Laura and Beth discuss how having adolescent children changes or highlights the way your whiteness shows up in your parenting and navigating children growing into teens and being perceived differently.What You Will Learn: Stay curious and find community Listen to & believe your children How conversations change from when they were younger How ingroup & outgroup communication differs Our kids can teach us too
Resources:https://www.linkedin.com/in/beth-wheeler-aa0b5ba/ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/beth-wheeler-silver-spring-md/445743
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04/07/2023
The Brain Behavior Connection
All behavior comes from the brain. I used to think that was reductionist. But in this episode we talk about trauma, attachment loss, the brain and the connection between these things and behavior. If we don't understand trauma and brain science, many children and parents experience blame, shame and failure. In reality, many trauma responses and challenging behaviors are a sign of growth.Superheroes are born from adversity. Villain stories are often similar, but with no safety provided along the way. The more we understand our brains and our children's brains, the more we can help them to grow into the super humans they are capable of becoming.This week, Dr. Laura Anderson brings on Jessica Sinarski, LPCMH to share tips for parents to use to help both themselves and their children work through the hard stuff. You have to believe there is hope in this approach to try it, and you have to try this approach to believe it.Jessica's superpower is making brain science accessible and entertaining for children and adults alike. She is living this out as a licensed mental health counselor & supervisor, bilingual author, and dynamic presenter. Since she loathes the dry, adult language found in many “therapy books,” she crafted the RILEY THE BRAVE series to be books that children and parents can’t wait to read and re-read.What You Will Learn:- Why it is important to BOTH Celebrate the courage of survival AND celebrate learning to trust
- Why it is important to understand the upstairs downstairs brain, and tips for staying regulated so you can build a staircase between the two sections
- How we can help parents wrap their minds around why brain science matters, and how to our kids about it.
- Key concepts for parents to help their children stay regulated
Resources:www.RileyTheBrave.orghttps://bravebrains.com
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03/24/2023
Autism In Girls with Marcia Eckerd
Recognizing autism in girls can be tricky. Experience in offices and schools tells us that young girls with an autism diagnosis may present with a different profile than boys with an autism diagnosis. This week Dr. Laura invites Marcia Eckerd for a conversation on what confuses parents & clinicians about what autism may look like in girls, and how related behaviors are often misunderstood. This episode highlights the harm that can be done when girls do not get the support and understanding that they need. Marcia diagnoses and helps autistic individuals with self acceptance as neurodivergent, as well as help them navigate achieving their goals. She has worked with autistic individuals as a licensed psychologist for 30 years. In Marcia's therapy, evaluations, writing, speaking and advocacy I seek to improve the understanding, inclusion and respect for those who are autistic. She was appointed to the CT ASD Advisory Council and serves on the Clinical Advisory Group of the Asperger’s Autism Network (AANE.org), a nationally recognized resource for autism services and education. She is also on the Board of Directors of NeuroClastic.org, an autistic nonprofit that provides education, opportunities, and resources for autistic individuals. What You Will Learn: Autism in girls and boys looks different 1 in 44 kids are autistic, according to the CDC What is helpful and not helpful about having a label of autism Why the idea of ableism can be harmful What to look for if you think your daughter may have an autism diagnosis
Resources:https://www.marciaeckerd.comPsychology Today: Are we giving autistic children PTSD in school https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/everyday-neurodiversity/202108/are-we-giving-autistic-children-ptsd-school?amp Journal of National Register of Psychology: Identifying Autism Spectrum Disorder (Level 1) In Adults Detection and Diagnosis Of Autism In Females
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03/10/2023
Cyber Safety Tools and the Epidemic of Child Exploitation Online with Jen Hoey
Conversations like these save lives. This week, Dr. Laura Anderson invites Jen Hoey to talk about internet safety and to share the experience that launched her into this line of work. This can happen to anyone -- Jen was vigilant in her internet monitoring, and yet her child still found herself in the process of being groomed online. Dr. Laura and Jen dive into the conversations you need to be having, spotting warning signs, and beginning the process of healing. Jen is a Parent Cyber Safety Consultant and Founder of ‘Not My Kid’. Her mission is to preserve childhood and keep all children safe from online child exploitation by empowering their parents through education. She is a mum of three children and has navigated some negative experiences with her older kids online — the most challenging being her daughter’s exposure to a predator via an online game when she was 9 years old. This provided her with personal insight into some of the challenges both children and parents face today. Jen's passion and primary focus is fighting the epidemic of child exploitation online. What You Will Learn: Something so simple can really destroy a child How to talk to your child to foster open communication about online safety How to unpack the idea of safe and unsafe secrets Preparing children to understand warning signs of danger Remind them that you will help them, so they don't stay silent out of fear The benefit of having a code word Setting up a safety team of trusted adults your child can speak to
Resources: Website: https://www.notmykid.com.au/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/notmykidever Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/notmykid_ever/
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02/24/2023
Grief Series Part 2: Supporting Bereaved Children with Michele Benyo
In part 2 of Dr. Laura Anderson's grief series, she invites Michele Benyo to discuss how to support kids who have had a sibling die during childhood. Little ones grieve differently and that grief moves with them through life. It is important to recognize that the way we explain grief to kids and the messages we give them can result in an unhealthy grieving process. Parents can benefit from understanding that grief isn't this thing to avoid. Dr. Laura and Michele share ways to approach these difficult subjects and big feelings with children. Michele Benyo helps families heal and live forward with grief after the death of their child. With the Good Grief Parenting Approach parents get in touch with their parenting wisdom so they can be confident that they are helping their bereaved young child grieve well and can be hopeful about a future for their family bright with possibilities and even joy. What You Will Learn: Recognizing how little ones grieve and how a sibling loss affects them Grief is good Tell your child when you're missing this person, open that conversation What children need is information, true and child appropriate - honest information Kids have big feelings that need to be acknowledged Sometimes you can't make them feel better - they need to understand that you can go through the emotion together even if there is no way to make the big feelings go away Modeling how to take care our ourselves - empowering agency Notice the way we talk about death Making sure they understand this isn't the their fault Specific tips for how to support kids and talk them through grief of any kind
Resources: www.goodgriefparenting.com
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02/10/2023
Grief Series 1: Supporting Bereaved Parents with Heidi Low
Grief is a topic people don't want to talk about or think about because the death of a child is unthinkable. Parents who are grieving often struggle connecting with others in their time of need as people are afraid to have these conversations. Dr. Laura Anderson invites Heidi Low onto the podcast today to create a space for aunts, friends, clinicians, and those surrounding people who have experienced unthinkable loss and how they can support parents. Heidi Low is the founder of ‘Ohana Oasis, a nonprofit organization whose mission is to empower bereaved parents to live a life of joy and purpose. She began the organization in 2013, nine years after the death of her daughter, Alison Belle, to a brain tumor at the age of five. What You Will Learn: Operating from a place of fear is not helpful It is better to say the wrong thing than to say nothing at all Stop and think about what you're saying and how it would land if you were in this position Don't make the parent do the work Scripts for what to say when
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01/27/2023
Growing up Through The Lens of Intersecting Identities
On this journey, when children open up it is important to remember that this is also hard for them. It is so important to be with your child and support them in an empathetic way versus heading straight to problem solving. Just saying 'we're in this together' can make a huge impact. This week, Dr. Laura Anderson brings on Amir Yassai, who grew up as a child of many intersecting identities. He shares how his experiences shaped who he is as an adult and how people's perceptions can be harmful, even if they're not with ill intent. Amir Yassai is a queer Muslim unicorn who won’t shy away from any conversation. Comedy is at the center of everything he does. He actively battles against racism, transphobia, and body shaming in the queer community. Amir is an internet personality under the name Amir Yass known for his humor, vulnerability, and sociopolitical takes. What You Will Learn: Emphasis on empathy versus problem solving Instead of looking to make the process smoother, walk with and be present Recognizing microaggressions and being mindful not to assume based on stereotypes -- even if it may seem like a positive assumption, it can be harmful Alittle sensitivity goes a long way How do we see someone's identity without centering it as entirely who they are
Resources: http://amiryass.com/ https://instagram.com/amiryassofficial?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y= https://www.tiktok.com/@amiryassofficial?_t=8ZMguhPETf8&_r=1
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01/14/2023
Comprehensive Support In A Child's Gender Journey
https://drlsanderson.thinkific.com Starting January 24th, Dr. Laura's Gender Journey Courses will be available for purchase: 7 courses packaged in 3 different bundles to best fit your child and family's needs. These courses are designed for parents, but clinicians will find a lot of value in each module. The information in this space can be overwhelming, confusing, and hard to navigate through the weeds. Dr. Laura has outlined a careful and expansive conversation in a caring, educational, and collaborative format. If you have any questions or concerns on whether this course is right for you, please reach out: contact@drlauraanderson.com Parents and children need to be met where they are when any decision is being made. Dr. Laura aims to help parents feel equipped and empowered to show up for their kids who need support, advocacy, understanding, and love. Each bundle covers common myths and how to debunk them, definitions, information about child development, and a deeper dive into what to say when... Ultimately these courses help folks know what to look for, what to expect, and practical takeaways with interactive downloads for further learning and support
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12/16/2022
Revolutionize Schools To Help Alternative Learners Thrive with Kristine Altwies, MA/LMFT
This episode offers tips for parents of kids who have big attachment loss and discusses the way that impacts their schooling. Families often feel misunderstood and unsupported by their school even when administrators have the best intentions. The current one-size fits all curriculum ends up being counterproductive for most of these children who better learn through other methods. Many children leave schooling feeling low self-confidence from not being able to thrive in the systems at hand. It's not that they can't do school, but that standardized learning does not work for them. It is important to instill in children that they are not the problem. This week's guest, Kristine Altwies, MA/LMFT, aims to revolutionize schools and offer tools for parents to use in supporting their children in the places they need it most. For many years Kristine Altwies worked in adoption as the Executive Director/CEO of Hawai’i International Child Placement and Family Services, Inc. (HIC) and coordinated adoptions around the globe. On that journey she has worked with children and families as a parent trainer, therapist and coach. She also has experiece working as a secondary education teacher (public and private schools). Kristine believes every person is born perfect, and the challenges we experience along the way come at the hands of others, managed with greater or lesser success in our own hearts, minds and bodies. What You Will Learn: What trauma does to the brain. How do we work with the system that is and how we can revolutionize the system to better help children moving forward. Know the laws. Own being the difficult parent. You have to be willing to be pushy. Language to stay away from.
Resources: Waldorf Education A Family Tree - http://www.afamilytree.org/ Pono Roots Counseling Center - www.ponoroots.org
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12/02/2022
What Gets In The Way of White People Doing Anti-Racism Work with Beth Wheeler
Dr. Laura Anderson brings on Beth Wheeler for a long overdue conversation. The two join together in discussing whiteness and the anti-racist work that we, as White people, need to be doing. Dr. Laura and Beth identify the common roadblocks people face in their anti-racist work and what keeps White people from speaking up. This episode will give you the tools you need to move forward on your own so that the burden doesn't fall upon People of Color. Dr. Laura and Beth offer specific strategies for staying in the work even when it is uncomfortable, and hope today will help you in your journey. Beth Wheeler (she/her/hers) is a psychotherapist, educator, networker, and advocate who works to promote equity and inclusion with diverse populations in all areas of her work. A Clinical Social Worker trained also in bodywork, Beth’s understanding of trauma and resilience inform both her private practice with adults and her Diversity, Equity, Inclusion and Belonging work in organizations. Beth identifies as a white, cis-gender, queer/lesbian, middle-class, able-bodied woman. She is also co-raising her two black domestically adopted sons (15 and 12), with her ex-wife. What You Will Learn: What it means to be White and how that shapes the way we think about race and racism Which feelings keep White people from working to be anti-racist and what we can do about them How White people can support other White people in doing the work How we define White supremacy, and why language matters When to ask for help if you are a White person raising children of color
Resources: Beth Wheeler https://www.linkedin.com/in/beth-wheeler-aa0b5ba/ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/beth-wheeler-silver-spring-md/445743 Janet Helms https://www.apa.org/members/content/race-mechanisms-inequality SURJ Showing up to Racial Justice https://surj.org
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11/18/2022
Navigating Holidays With Your Adoptive Family Featuring Mike Berry
With the holiday season in full gear, you may notice a spotlight on shifting expectations and dysregulated behaviors. This time can be a reminder of loss, grief and the complex mixed feelings for many adoptees. Dr. Laura Anderson brings on Mike Berry to share tools you can use to navigate this stressful time of year. Mike Berry is the Co-CEO and Co-Founder of Honestly Adoption, a virtual support, resource, and training site for foster and adoptive families. The Honestly Adoption Company is fiercely committed to helping parents gain insight into their child, change their parenting approach, and in turn, transform their family. They believe strongly in highlighting and spotlighting voices from the entire adoption triad. Mike and his wife Kristen have built this amazing network that has been voted in the Top 5 out of 100 best adoption blogs on earth 5 years in a row by Healthline.com and Feedspot. What You Will Learn: Become aware that this may be a difficult season for your child Continue to look beneath behaviors for feelings driving behavior To notice your own expectations and how those impact family regulation Be mindful of overstimulation How trauma history can dictate your child's behavior Soothing and regulation tools for the holiday time
Resources: https://honestlyadoption.com https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/honestly-adoption-mike-berry/1129825395 https://www.facebook.com/honestlyadoption/ https://www.linkedin.com/in/mikeberrywriting/
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11/04/2022
Spotting Signs of Self Injury and How To Help Your Child
If you notice signs of self-injury in your teen, this episode is an invitation not to look the other way and hope it goes away- but to understand that it needs to be explored. This is not meant to replace reaching out for help. If your child is harming themselves, it is important to get help. There is no one formula for what this behavior looks like, but Dr. Laura talks through various signs to look out for, language to use when talking to your child, and how you can help kids identify and cope with intense feelings. What You Will Learn: Not all harm is para-s*icidal Self-injury can stem from one of a combination of depression, anxiety, and stress All bodies deserve care What is the process if you have noticed signs of self-injury
Resources: https://apps.apple.com/ca/app/calm-harm/id961611581
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10/22/2022
Protecting Kids From Sexual Content Online and Having Hard Conversations with Amy Lang
As a parent, it is your resonsibility to provide your child with the skills to understand and make good decisions about their body and sex. Kids should start learning about their bodies at as young as 5 years old. These conversations may be daunting, but it is important to push through the discomfort to keep your child safe. Expert Amy Lang joins the Real World Parenting podcast this week to provide tips and scripts for parents to use in educating their kiddo about sexual health. Amy Lang, MA has been a sexual health educator for over 25 years. Surprised by her discomfort with just the idea of talking with her young son about his body, she knew she needed help. Amy did a bunch of research to learn how to talk with kids about bodies and sexuality and realized she could help other parents with this important part of parenting. In 2006 she started Birds & Bees & Kids. With her lively, engaging, and down-to-earth style she helps parents become comfortable and confident talking with their kids. Amy’s books, online solutions center, and podcast called “Just Say This”,show parents they really can become their kids' go-to birds and bees source. What You Will Learn: When should you start the conversation on sexual health with your child What should you start with? What to say and how to say it. Push through the discomfort Showing your children what a healthy relationship looks like Avoiding language that leads to shame
Resources: www.birdsandbeesandkids.com 15% discount for The Birds and Bees Solutions Center for Parents Purchase Amy’s new book, “Sex Talks With Tweens - What to Say & How to Say It!”
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10/07/2022
Talking To Your Child About Learning Assessments and Their Results with Liz Angoff, Ph.D.
Lots of folks are seeking assessments to help the family understand the way their child learns and to maximize how rewarding schooling is. We often think more about how to convey your child's needs to professionals at school, but talking to children about it can go overlooked. Children always have a sense that something is different for them, and if we don't talk to them they start to develop their own narratives about what's going on. Those narratives are often very negative and can be harmful following them into adulthood. Beginning the conversation early with your child will help them with their self esteem and identity. This week, DR. Laura Anderson invites Dr. Liz Angoff for a conversation on understanding learning profiles and helping children understand how their brains work. Liz Angoff, Ph.D., is a Licensed Educational Psychologist with a Diplomate in School Neuropsychology, providing assessment and consultation services to children and their families in the Bay Area, CA. She is the author of the Brain Building Books, tools for engaging children in understanding their learning and developmental differences as part of the assessment process. What You Will Learn: Is there a predictable pattern in how kids learn? Tools for getting started in your child's assessment How can parents prepare for the assessment process? Helping your child grow to advocate with confidence Finding the language your child uses to explain their experiences so you can meet your child where they're at and solving the problem they want to solve
Resources: www.BrainBuildingBook.com
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09/23/2022
Supporting African American Kids in Predominantly White Communities with Marcie Alvis Walker
Marcie Alvis Walker joins Dr. Laura Anderson on today's podcast. She shares how her cultural experience being raised in a black family within an all white community left her unprepared to navigate raising an African American child in today's world. From there, she has taken the steps to navigate tricky situations and educate others within that space. Marcie Alvis-Walker is a writer based in Chicago, IL. She is the curator of the popular Instagram handle @blackcoffeewithwhitefriends, which focuses on race, theology, and current events with a corresponding blog of the same name. She is also the writer and creator of Black-Eyed Bible Stories, a Substack newsletter and podcast focused on Black Womanist readings of the Bible. Her goal in life is “to be the voice of my unheard ancestors by creating a written archive of the Black stories for my child and for future generations of children.” She is passionate about what it means to embrace intersectionality, diversity and inclusion in our daily lives. What You Will Learn: Find out the history of where you live Seek professionals of color Challenge your school board Racism doesn't only hurt people of color, it hurts society at large
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09/08/2022
Navigating The Next Phase of Covid in Schools with Aimee Buckley
This episode focuses on learning preparedness as we navigate the next phase of covid in schools. Our kids are not used to what the everyday classroom environment looks like without the safety protocols. It has been a couple years and in a kid's world, that is a long time. Dr. Laura Anderson Invites on full time teacher, Aimee Buckley, to share her tools so your child can thrive in the classroom. Aimee is an experienced Special Education Teacher with a demonstrated history of success working in education. She is skilled in Coaching, Leadership, Training, and Research. In addition to being a full time teacher, Aimee is the CEO + CAO of Study Help Inc. a tutoring platform that connects credential teachers with families looking for extra academic help. Study Help is the only tutoring service powered by experienced school teachers. What Your Will Learn: The importance of keeping open lines of communication with your child's teacher How to set parameters around phone time How the increased use of technology has impacted children in the classroom What questions should parents ask their kids and the schools during this time
Resources: https://study.help
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08/26/2022
Understanding Your Child's Sensory System with Jessica Sinarski
The brain gets its info from inside, outside, and all places in between. The most common conversation is of the 5 external facing senses, but what is often overlooked are the internal senses: vestibular, proprioception, and interoception. This episode looks at parenting from a brain based perspective and covers what parents need to know to lead to greater regulation in their homes. Dr. Laura Anderson invites Jessica Sinarski, LPCMH back to the Real World Parenting podcast for a conversation on sensory integration and the connection between the sensory system, brain, heart bodies, behavior, and connection in family. Jessica Sinarski is a highly sought-after therapist, speaker, and change-maker. Extensive post-graduate training and 15+ years as a clinician and educator led her to create the resource and training platform–BraveBrains. She makes brain science practical, helping parents and professionals become healers for hurting children. She is the author of the award-winning Riley the Brave series, Hello, Anger, and more. What You Will Learn: Sensory systems that need more or less do not make you weak. It's just how you're wired and it makes life rich. Reasons to reroute your energy into developing your kid's language around sensory feelings How you can work with your child to help them learn to regulate Proactive steps to take to regulate your child's sensory system Tips to navigate the shame and guilt that comes with sensory dysregulation
Resources: www.rileythebrave.org/senses https://bravebrains.com
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08/12/2022
Is Adoption Trauma Defining? with Simon Benn
This episode poses the question of how central is the adoptee identity to human identity? Are children's struggles adoption related or human related? Dr. Laura Anderson invites guest Simon Benn for a conversation around the lifelong impact of trauma. Simon Benn was adopted at 5 weeks old and has known this his whole life. It wasn't until 40 years old when he found out that his teddy bear was a gift from his birth mother that he started feeling intense anger about being unloved and not good enough. Simon turned to personal development to find happiness and eventually sold his publishing business to help others. He now is the author of a children's activity book series, Jack Cherry and The Juicer, to share the secret to happiness with children. What You Will Learn: Trauma is thoughts and feelings, not identity All of your relationships with others start within yourself Feeling wounded does not mean we are wounded This too shall pass
Resources: https://www.simonbenn.co.uk/
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07/29/2022
From a Pile of Puppies to Too Cool For School: Parenting Tweens with Dr. Annie Chung
This week's episode focuses on the period of development in children from ages 11 to 14: the tween years. During this age, the human brain goes through as much growth and change as it does between 0 and 3. Children start exploring their new feelings of independence and begin to clarify distinct aspects of who they are, and will become. This week Dr. Laura Anderson is excited to bring on a really talented clinician and dear friend, Dr. Annie Chung. Dr. Chung has more than twenty years' experience working primarily with tweens. The two talk about the concept of an emotional piggy bank, setting a framework for your child, and how to stay positive when going through challenges and periods of high emotion. Dr. Annie Chung is a Hawaii Licensed Psychologist with over 20 years of experience. Her specialty lies in promoting healthy parental/family/adolescent functioning and focus on women's issues utilizing patient-centered and solution-focused approaches in psychotherapy. What You Will Learn: Children need their parents "less", but also differently How to make deposits to your child's emotional piggy bank based on who they are instead of their accomplishments Separation is healthy to help your child learn values, problem solving, and life skills Understand the brain and body are changing rapidly Practice active listening Remember that they need boundaries even when they tell you they don't Ask open-ended questions Build a bridge to them.. keep crossing back and forth and invite them to do the same
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07/15/2022
Parenting Different From How You Were Parented with Erica Orosco Cruz
First time parents are faced with the obstacle of navigating not only what parenting styles work for them and their child, but also the feedback they receive from their parents and peers. Often, parents will find themselves actively straying from the path their parents took. It is easy to revert back to what you know even if you have the intention of breaking the cycle. This week, Dr. Laura Anderson invites guest Erica Cruz to the Real World Parenting podcast to share her experience raising her children in a different way from how she was parented and the tools she used to keep herself on course. her perspective using the Waldorf and RIE methods. Dr. Laura and Erica discuss the Waldorf and RIE methods, finding and staying true to your values in parenting, and being mindful of the pendulum swing. Erica Orosco Cruz is an early childhood development expert and parent coach who helps children, families, and teachers thrive and grow together on the foundation of mutual respect. She is certified through RIE (Resources for Infant Educarers) and is also trained in the Waldorf methods. Erica’s passion for supporting families stems from her own experience as a mother of 4 boys (ranging in ages from 1 to 25!), and a daughter who set out to parent in a different way than she was as a child. While raising her children, she searched to find a program that brought children to the forefront while also providing clear boundaries for mutual respect; a program where children would be seen and heard and where adults would see with new eyes and listen for what was unsaid. When she realized what she was looking for didn’t exist, she founded Homeschool Garden, a now two decade old early childhood development center in Los Angeles. What You Will Learn: How to navigate when the way you are parenting is different from how you were parented and how to stand confidently in that (while also being flexible) How to navigate when the way you are parenting is different from your cultural/ethnic norms Finding a middle ground that works for you and your children What are the Waldorf and RIE methods Finding the "sweet spot" of setting boundaries, but also allowing your kids agency The arts are as important as reading and writing The importance of staying the course in the presence of overwhelming feedback Modeling behaviors and respect
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07/01/2022
Key Elements in Creating Safe Spaces for LGBTQ+ youth and their families with Philip Steinbacher
We are currently living in a time in history where we as a society are talking and learning about sexuality and gender identity. People are understandably confused- and it is as important as ever to create safe spaces for LGBTQ+ youth and their families. Children growing up discovering their sexuality often feel alone in not knowing others who feel the same as they do and feel the pressure of cultural shame. This week's guest is Philip Steinbacher, who shares a variety of small changes that can make a world's difference to children. Philip shares his experience growing up as a gay cisgender male and how it has impacted how he approaches teaching. He has encouraged the staff to create a more welcoming environment and fostered a safe space within a Gay Straight Alliance (GSA) club for both LGBTQ+ students and allies to channel their energy in a productive way. Professionally, Philip Steinbacher has performed as an entertainer at Walt Disney World and been an educator in public and private schools in Florida, North Carolina, Illinois, and Hawai‘i. He holds a BA in Music and an MA in Elementary Education. Philip is the author of two books, Quotation Quizzlers and Vocabulary Ladders, and has an additional title being released this fall. He is the editor of Garden Island Tea, a digital newsletter spilling the tea about events, opportunities, and news for the Kaua'i LGBTQ+ community. So much for the formal résumé. Currently, Philip prefers to say he is a music lover, bibliophile, impresario, cyclist, pianist, hubby, guncle, friend, author, and dog daddy who appreciates fun clothes and really digs disco balls. He lives on the island of Kaua‘i with his husband Jason and their dog Lucky. What You Will Learn: What are some small changes you can make so children feel comfortable? Even allies with good intentions need to work on their approach sometimes If we force communication and LGBTQ+ stereotypes, we are going to receive a negative reaction How can parents make an impact in the safe space opportunities within school?
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06/17/2022
Strategies for LGBTQ+ Inclusivity In Schools with Cath Brew
This week's episode is all about gender in schools. Any child who is going through a gender journey will need a support system in school. There is an understanding that we need to become inclusive, but many people don't know what that means on a practical level and what comes next. Dr. Laura Anderson brings on guest Cath Brew to help highlight what needs to be different or recognized at school for your child to feel safe, seen, and supported in their two primary environments of home and school. Cath is an artist who educates and illustrates about marginalised experiences for positive change - with a focus on identity, belonging and expat life. She works with international schools on whole-school LGBTQ+ inclusion together with empowering LGBTQ+ students to be proud. Cath hosts Talk-Back Tuesday: a weekly LGBTQ chat on social media, whilst her podcast ‘Drawn to a Deeper Story’, explores the ‘lives that challenge us and the difficult conversations around them’. Cath also runs 'Crock-of-shit-free' Spiritual Guidance - she helps clients to find inner peace and heal from emotional wounds including ancestral trauma, limiting beliefs, difficult relationships and other internal struggles. Her illustrations can be found on a range of gifts in the Drawn to a Story online shop. What You Will Learn: The importance of understand the difference of sex and gender It is important to be thorough in changing paperwork needed to reflect your child's new identity Planning discussions with your child on if they want to tell the school about their new identity and how they'd feel comfortable doing so Teaching your child how they can reclaim language and reframe their mindset on certain words Understanding the possibility that your child may come out at school prior to coming out at home
Resources: Web: www.drawntoastory.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drawntoastory Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/DrawntoaStory
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06/02/2022
Guiding Your Child Through Their Fears Of Random School Based Violence
Today's conversation is in response to the recent acts of gun violence in the United States, specifically the Robb Elementary School shooting in Uvalde, Texas. Entire communities are left on edge following last week's horrific shooting. It is important to help children feel safe in the face of unfathomable danger. Sadly, the need for these conversations is increasing and these conversations are often difficult for parents and kids alike. Dr. Laura Anderson provides step by step scripts for how to talk to kids about the potential of violence in school, how to manage their fears, and how to approach conversation about events out of our control. Step By Step Plan What You Will Learn: How to prepare for tough conversations Language that is especially helpful in these situations Step by step scripts for conversations with your child Healthy coping strategies for you and your child Next steps to continue healthy habits beyond the initial conversation
For a detailed outline of this process, head to https://www.drlauraanderson.com/real-world-parenting-podcast/ep28-school-based-violence
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05/20/2022
Dealing With The Grief Of Ambiguous Loss with Lisette Lahana
This week's episode aims to normalize the idea of the loss of your kid not being who you imagined who they would be. This is a universal experience for parents as most kids, once they start developing their own identities, start to have interests and hobbies that may not align with what you'd imagined for them. Dr. Laura Anderson brings on Lisette Lahana, LCSW to share her expertise in how grief affects families who raise a gender expansive child. Lisette Lahana is a licensed clinical social worker with Bachelor degrees in Critical Gender Studies and Psychology and a Masters of Social Work from Smith College. Her extensive experience providing gender affirming care to transgender, non binary, intersex, those questioning and people who are re-transitioning spans over 23 years. She is a certified member and mentor with World Professional Association for Transgender Health (WPATH) since 2002. Lisette has a full-time psychotherapy practice where she works individually with clients of all ages with a primary focus on gender. What You Will Learn: How grief can be affirming of a gender expansive child and how it can get in the way You can grieve aspects of a child’s gender journey without grieving who they are It's okay to let your child know you're struggling ( including do’s and don’ts for how to share that) The two types of ambiguous loss When you find ways to grieve the loss of your own expectations, you make room to celebrate your child
Resources: https://www.lisettelahana.com/
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05/06/2022
Keep Your Knees Bent and Love Without Fear with Eden Atwood
If we haven't done our internal work to understand our implicit bias, we could be protecting our client from something integral to their identity. The more shame and secrecy we have the more we undercut our children's opportunity to be prepared. This week's episode dives into how you can provide the space for your child to flourish. All human beings have a right to bodily autonomy and self determination. Dr. Laura Anderson brings on guest Eden Atwood for the conversation. Eden opens up about her story in learning about her intersex diagnosis, discussing medical trauma, and offers parenting tools to work through your fears. Eden Atwood is a parent and social worker who is currently in private practice. Atwood has been an outspoken advocate and activist for children born with differences of sex development and co-founded the online intersex awareness-raising website, The Interface Project. What You Will Learn: Leading with fear doesn't do anything positive Community is key Fostering a sense of bodily autonomy Sheep, shepherd, and pasture metaphor Keep your knees bent
Resources: https://www.interfaceproject.org https://edenatwoodlcsw.com
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04/22/2022
Parenting: From My Child's Perspective
This week's guest is one of Dr. Laura Anderson's favorite people in the whole world: her 13-year-old son. The two share an open and honest conversation through the lens of a therapist parent and child relationship. He candidly shares some of his favorite parts of having a therapist parent and offers some suggestions for ways to get through to your child. What You Will Learn: How parenting lands on your kid from a child's perspective How to communicate more effectively with your kid Reasons to ask for impromptu feedback The importance of staying regulated as a parent to provide for your child
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04/08/2022
The Cost of Politicizing Gender with Rhodes Perry
In a study presented by The Trevor Project, 85% of trans and nobinary youth have mentioned that the recent debates about their lived experience has negatively impacted their mental health. It is important to know and take into consideration that parents are making decisions for their children in a time where systems are displaying conflicting messages. For families raising LGBTQ+ children, political decisions can have major personal impacts. This week's conversation addresses the current political climate and conversations surrounding LGBTQ+ journeys, parents' concerns, and aims to normalize the LGBTQ+ experience. Dr. Laura Anderson brings on this week's guest Rhodes Perry to share his expertise and perspectives of being a trans person. Rhodes Perry is an award winning social entrepreneur, sought after speaker, podcast host, and a nationally recognized LGBTQ+ thought leader. What you will learn: Each of us establishes a gender identity and sexual orientation The importance of developing an antenna to find spaces that are safe Ways that cigender and straight people can use their privilege to say no to the negative narrative Adults can bear the brunt of the learning and discomfort so that kids don't have to There is hope!- from the perspective of a happy, healthy transgender adult
Resources:
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03/25/2022
A Conversation About Gender Identity Part 2
Gender identity is a complex web, and the world of gender is a beautiful place to learn to expand your own limitations and automatic thinking. Join Dr. Laura for part 2 of this conversation where she dives deeper into gender, kids, and pronouns. The likelihood of raising a child who is gender expansive is the same as raising a child who is left handed. Children need to be able to explore themselves and their gender, regardless of how they identify themselves. The safest thing you can do is to learn with them. In this episode, Dr. Laura shares tools for parents to create a safe space for their children that allows them to explore their identity. What You Will Learn? How to build trust between you and your child so they feel safe Dealing with your fear of the unknown challenges ahead You can not create a gender expansive identity in a child who is not on the spectrum as it were Your child needs you in this journey
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03/11/2022
A Conversation About Gender Identity Part 1
Gender identity is a complex web, and the world of gender is a beautiful place to learn to expand your own limitations and automatic thinking. For parents and others trying to learn how to best support children, there is a tremendous amount of misinformation circulating about gender identity and kids and teens. Join me for a careful thoughtful exploration of this important topic. A big piece of our job as parents is to teach our children to tune into their intuition and stand strong in who they are. Yet, often parent's struggle with navigating parenting a child exploring their gender identity. Dr. Anderson invites you to consider that you are not the brakes or the accelerator in your child's gender exploration. If you are a parent new to this journey, each child's experience is different. The key piece is centering your child, establishing a common language, and continuing to be open to learning. In this episode, Dr. Laura offers a parent's view of how gender identity works, what to do, what not to do, and who to turn to for help when your child is exploring their identity. Tune in next week for Part 2, which includes scripts for what to say if your child comes to you with questions about their gender. What You Will Learn? What is gender identity? What does the term non-binary mean? The importance of battling misinformation so parents are well-informed objectively Clarifying the different between sexual orientation and gender identity
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02/25/2022
Learning To Let Go Of The Curling Parent Lifestyle
This week Dr. Laura Anderson continues the conversation on the parental illusion of control by focusing on what is known as the curling or helicopter parent. Curling is that quirky sport in which people rush and brush the ice immediately in front of a swirling stone, in hopes of clearing its path and having it land just where you want it. Curling parenting fosters a sense of dependence within your child. This week Dr. Anderson is joined by Rashid Curtis, her long time friend and girl-dad-to-three-teens. This episode highlights higher level ways to organize your child's time and bring out the best of their interests. Instead, we'll help you transition into using intentional parenting tactics that will help your child grow into the person they have the potential to become. Rashid is a business strategy consultant and entrepreneur. He specializes in customer and market strategy, by providing business development services to companies in the consumer products, healthcare, life sciences, media and technology industries. Rashid turned his passion for real estate into Triangle Flats, a an investor agency located in Durham, NC. The culmination of twin passions, real estate and entrepreneurship, this small firm assist people acquiring, remodeling, renting and selling investment properties in the Southeastern United States. Rashid lives in Durham, NC with his wife, three children (19, 18 and 12 year old girls) and a labradoodle named Leo. What You Will Learn: Your child needs more time with their peers and less time with their parents Foster the ability for your child to learn how to tune into their emotions, their sense of being, and their sense of right from wrong How to help your child trust themselves When we're doing it for them they don't learn The importance of finding self motivation and self interest
Resources: http://www.linkedin.com/in/rashidcurtis
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02/11/2022
The Illusion of Control and The Importance of Self-Care in Parenting
Often the more responsibility we have the less we take care of ourselves. This week Dr. Laura Anderson brings on Dr. Rachel Mitchum Elahee. Dr. Rachel operates from the philosophy that no matter what we have going on we must take care of ourselves. Self care looks different for everyone, but this episode is all about figuring out what self care means to you and how to build these practices into your life. Come laugh and grimace with Drs. Laura and Rachel about how letting go of the illusion of control in parenting is a great way to practice self-care. Dr. Rachel is a Licensed Psychologist, Certified Diversity Practitioner, Certified Professional Coach, and Author of Choose You! As an entrepreneur, wife and mother of four, she has developed a keen passion for supporting busy women leading busy lives. inspires women with the practical and tangible skills necessary to achieve greater life satisfaction, professional productivity and ultimately, a peace of mind. She believes that in order to excel in their careers, women must first excel in their personal lives. What You Will Learn: How the illusion of control in parenting is a huge source of stress Ways to foster independence & strong skill sets in your child Ideas for setting boundaries in your self care practices Reminders to find an accountability partner who has your best interest at heart That the most common source of pushback is from yourself Tips to reignite your passion for life
Resources: https://www.amazon.com/Choose-You-Reignite-Passion-2014-12-04/dp/B01K3RH65Q
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01/28/2022
The Brain Behavior Connection
All behavior comes from the brain. I used to think that was reductionist. But in this episode we talk about trauma, attachment loss, the brain and the connection between these things and behavior. If we don't understand trauma and brain science, many children and parents experience blame, shame and failure. In reality, many trauma responses and challenging behaviors are a sign of growth. Superheroes are born from adversity. Villain stories are often similar, but with no safety provided along the way. The more we understand our brains and our children's brains, the more we can help them to grow into the super humans they are capable of becoming.This week, Dr. Laura Anderson brings on Jessica Sinarski, LPCMH to share tips for parents to use to help both themselves and their children work through the hard stuff. You have to believe there is hope in this approach to try it, and you have to try this approach to believe it. Jessica's superpower is making brain science accessible and entertaining for children and adults alike. She is living this out as a licensed mental health counselor & supervisor, bilingual author, and dynamic presenter. Since she loathes the dry, adult language found in many “therapy books,” she crafted the RILEY THE BRAVE series to be books that children and parents can’t wait to read and re-read. What You Will Learn: Why it is important to BOTH Celebrate the courage of survival AND celebrate learning to trust Why it is important to understand the upstairs downstairs brain, and tips for staying regulated so you can build a staircase between the two sections How we can help parents wrap their minds around why brain science matters, and how to our kids about it. Key concepts for parents to help their children stay regulated
Resources: www.RileyTheBrave.org https://bravebrains.com
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