| |
| |
|
Marriage & Wedding Information |
|
Before You Begin Marriage Counseling, Ask This Question
There's an important question that you need to ask the marriage counselor you and your spouse are considering using. The question itself may surprise you, as well as the answer your potential counselor gives. It's an often-overlooked question that hardly anyone ever talks about. Therapists don't include it in articles they write about how to select a good counselor, so you're unlikely to read about it. I've never heard of the topic being discussed on the popular daytime television shows that delve into so many varied subjects. But the answer to this important question could save you time, money, and energy spent with the wrong therapist. It's a good question to use as a deciding factor if you narrow your search for a marriage counselor down to two or three possibilities, and all look fairly equal in education, training, and experience. What is the question I consider so important that it could be the "deciding vote" in selecting a therapist for marriage counseling? Here it is. Ask the potential marriage counselor(s): "Have you ever participated in extensive personal therapy yourself?" Then watch the therapist's reaction and listen carefully to what he or she says. Also pay attention to the emotional tone in the response. Consider the following responses to the suggested question. My remarks are in italics in the parenthesis: 1. "No, I've never had to go to counseling." (Never "had" to go? Do you mean that you're "above" having to go to counseling? That only people who aren't as emotionally stable as you are "have" to go? How will you even know what it's like to go to an unfamiliar office and tell a stranger the most intimate details about your life?) 2. "Yes, I went once for several times when my father died." (That's slightly better, but what about all that self-growth work counselors are always advocating other people do? Don't you take your own advice?) 3. "No." (That's odd. Why the one-word answer? It's a logical question to ask. Why would I entrust you with my vulnerability and something as important as my marriage if you've never been to counseling yourself? Why haven't you been? Don't you believe in what you're offering?) 4. "I took part in some counseling when I took my courses for my degree." (You mean you role played with other students in some of your counseling classes-that doesn't count. You weren't in a real counseling situation and were probably focused on what your classmates and professor thought of your role-playing. That's totally different from participating in therapy to look closely at your own real issues.) 5. "Yes, I have. I've had several years of intensive personal counseling, and I still see a counselor when things come up that I need to process. I know how much courage and commitment it takes to confront personal issues, avoid blaming others, and take responsibility for the quality of one's life." (Yes, this is the one! He (or she) has gone through the counseling process himself. He won't be just talking about something he has never experienced, and he doesn't sound ashamed that he's had counseling. Instead, he sounds proud of himself for making that choice. I like that he "practices what he preaches" about counseling. He must believe that it helps in some way or he wouldn't have spent so much time and money getting counseling himself.) Are you surprised to learn that many counselors have never participated in counseling as clients and have never faced their own individual or relationship issues? That they could get their advanced degree and become licensed without having participated in personal growth counseling? It is shocking to think that could happen, but it does-quite often. Just think about it-would you want to go to a therapist who recommends counseling to others but has never taken her (or his) own advice? Who hasn't dealt with her own personal past and present issues that could impact the recommendations she makes to you? Who doesn't really know how vulnerable you feel as a client and how much courage it takes to make an appointment, sit in the waiting room, and then talk openly to someone you've never seen before? I can unequivocally say that you should steer clear of counselors who haven't done their own work in counseling-either in individual counseling, relationship or marriage counseling, or both. There's a saying that you can't take other people any further than you've been yourself. That's certainly true when it comes to counseling. The counselor needs to be very familiar with the terrain-not from only textbook knowledge but from personal experience, also. He (or she) also needs to be able to help you without getting your issues all tangled up in his own unresolved issues-something personal counseling helps a counselor to do more effectively. So before you sign on with a marriage counselor, ask the important question--"Have you ever participated in extensive personal therapy yourself?"-and be sure that the counselor you select knows the advantages of personal counseling first-hand. Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-author of Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says "I don't love you anymore!" This is available at http://www.KeepYourMarriage.com, where you can also sign up for the free weekly Keep Your Marriage Internet Magazine to get ideas and support for improving your marriage.
MORE RESOURCES:
|
|
|
|
RELATED ARTICLES
Wedding Planning: Prioritize to Stay Within Your Wedding Budget So you're planning your wedding and a thousand decisions must be made! It can be an exciting, but tiring experience to pull off the wedding of your dreams, especially within your budget.The best way to evaluate how and where to allocate your wedding budget is to determine exactly what your priorities are. Jewish Wedding Rings - Traditions and Customs and How to Buy Smart In a traditional Jewish wedding ceremony, Jewish wedding rings play a very important role. In Jewish law, a verbal declaration is not enough to be married. Las Vegas Wedding Receptions Las Vegas wedding receptions are where people tend to go absolutely wild. For most people, the ceremony is not where the real action is. Belize Honeymoon Resorts The enchanting Belize honeymoon resorts captivate every visitor through the appealing secluded jungle atmosphere as well as the beautiful hideaway crystal-clear beaches. One of these resorts would be the Turtle Inn Resort Located in Placencia in Belize, which promises a stay within the natural wonders of the tropical coast. Cheating Wives - Play with Your Lives! Many wives cheat on their husbands. This could be due to the fact that the husband does not give much of his time to his wife. Las Vegas Wedding Packages One of the good things about Las Vegas Wedding Packages is that you can find a package to suit just about any budget. There are many wedding planning services in Las Vegas that specialize in creating a package for you no matter what your budget - from the no frills drive-through to the lavish VIP treatment at any of several casinos. Unique Beach Wedding Themes If you are considering a beach wedding, the ideas are as endless as your imagination!One thing about choosing a beach wedding theme is that it allows you total creative freedom. Depending on the time of day, the beach can set the mood. The Second Time - Another White Wedding? That first wedding was a dream, a gorgeous long white wedding dress, a beautiful church, luscious bridesmaids and the groom in tails. Plus all the trimmings and a heavenly reception and a great honeymoon. Choosing your Wedding Favors How do you give thanks and make a lasting impression on your guest? The answer is simple, with a wedding favor. A wedding favor is a small token of appreciation for your guest to treasure and remember your special wedding day. Marriage Problems: Help in Preventing Them When we want to be successful at something in life, we usually don't attempt to "wing it." That's why those who want to play the piano take lessons. 10 Secrets to a Successful Stress-Free Wedding Your wedding is supposed to be the most important day in a your life, and yet for many, just getting there in one piece is harder than fitting stilettos on an elephant. Why is it so difficult? The biggest problem is stress and how the interplay of all the different participants at your wedding adds or subtract from that stress. Selecting Your Wedding Centerpieces Wedding centerpieces help tie together the look of your entire table setting. The wedding centerpieces will affect the linens you choose, the size of the tables and even the number of guests you seat on each table. Catering to Your Wedding Wedding catering has always been one of the most crucial aspects of planning a wedding. Besides choosing the food menu items for the palette, you also need to think of other factors - could there be potential allergies to certain types of wedding food, will the food arrive on time, and will it taste great? For all these reasons and more, it is very important that you take the time to review the details of providing great cuisine through a responsible and reliable wedding caterer. Brad Pitt - Jennifer Aniston Marriage Undermined by Inappropriate Friendship with Angelina Jolie Speculation continues about the break-up of Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston, and what role Angelina Jolie may have played. At least three different rumors are circulating as to what may have been the cause. Grooming for the Groom The big day is not all about the bride; the groom is also in the limelight and would like to look his best too. With the increase of men's beauty products like Clarins, Lancôme, Nivea, Decleor, suggesting that men are paying more attention to their image then ever before. Wedding Planning: Involve your Fiancé in 10 Easy Steps He's popped the question. You've chosen a date. What Makes The Best Wedding Anniversary Gift? Choosing a wedding anniversary gift that wows your husband or wife can rate high on your anxiety list; your anniversary is an occasion where the thought counts even more than the gift. The idea that your loving spouse should "know what I want" can lead to disappointed expectations, as men and women tend to have radically different ideas about what "romantic" means. Enhancing Communication in Marriage In marriages, many arguments and hurt feelings can be traced back to communication problems. It's not unusual for spouses to stay in a continual state of frustration, feeling misunderstood and unappreciated. Planning the Menu for Your Wedding Reception When you are planning a budgeted menu, you must first know what your exact budget is when it comes to the food and drink specifically. Some people keep the food and drinks separate, but on average, the food and drink are a part of the same bill. Like Sand Through an Hour Glass Symbols! Weddings are full of them. Exchanging rings.
|
| home | site map | contact us |
