| |
| |
|
Marriage & Wedding Information |
|
Marriage Counseling: What to Do When a Spouse Flirts Too Much
When Alicia first met Tim, she found him outgoing, charming, and easy to talk to. She thought he was very witty and funny, always the life of the party with everyone gathered around him. Yes, he flirted a lot, but while he was talking, he'd turn to wink at her, take her hand, or put his arm around her shoulder as he continued talking. But sometime in the two years following their marriage, Alicia started feeling differently about Tim's extraverted side. It seemed to her that he was flirting too much and too blatantly while she sat on the sidelines, feeling left out. Most of the time, Tim didn't even introduce Alicia as his wife. If Alicia said anything to Tim about her feelngs, he told her that she was over-reacting. As she became increasingly more hurt, resentful, and withdrawn, the emotional climate in the marrige cooled considerably, and the marriage became less satisfying for both of them. Neither one knew what to do. Flirting on the part of a spouse causes marriage problems for numerous couples. And it can at times be difficult to distinguish between a spouse with an extraverted personality who just naturally likes to joke and kid around versus the partner who is continually "on the make." Flirting behavior has varying causes. If you have known your partner for a long time and have never had any reason to believe he or she has cheated on you, then you are probably married to an extravert who has a flirty personality. This can still be annoying and frustrating, but at least you basically know what you're dealing with. Spouses can also engage in flirting to meet their own emotional needs such as feeling liked, being popular, or being thought of as funny, entertaining, attractive, or sexy. Excessive flirting can be a sign of someone who is trying too hard to attract and keep attention focused on himself or herself because they are needy emotionally. Flirting can also be a passive-aggressive way of getting even with a partner. The spouse may have felt rejected sexually and emotionally, so the flirting can be a message to the partner to shape up or risk losing the marriage. It can also be an attempt to get the spouse's attention, hoping to make him or her jealous and bring about an increase in the marital passion. And, of course, consistent excessive flirting can be a sign of someone with a sexual addiction who is constantly on the prowl looking for his or her next sexual contact and conquest. A spouse in this category needs professional help from an addictions counselor, but the help won't be effective unless the person wants to be helped. So what can you do about your spouse's flirtatious ways? one of the steps you can take is to write a letter outlining your feelings. In the case of Alicia and Tim mentioned in the opening paragraphs, Alicia could tell Tim how much the fact that he doesn't introduce her to others as his wife hurts her feelings. She could ask for him to include her in the conversations, to put his arm around her, to hold her hand, or to turn and smile at her occasionally. That way she is telling him some things he could do to lessen her anxiety and distress. Another thing Alicia could do is to become more assertive about speaking up, becoming a part of the conversation when Tim is flirting, and letting people know that she's Tim's wife. If Tim says, "This is Alicia" when introducing her, Alicia could say, "Nice to meet you. I'm Tim's wife." Note that I'm not advocating that Alicia follow Tim around or try to "catch" him in flirting behavior-that's a recipe for disaster. But I am suggesting that when she is already present, she can casually drop into conversation that she and Tim are married, such as "It's fun to have such a witty husband! Tim has always been able to make me laugh." Don't get into an argument about whether you are over-reacting to your spouse's flirting. Say upfront that you realize the two of you have differing perceptions and you're not accusing him of doing anything wrong. You just know that if you don't share your feelings and feel heard you may have resentments and hurt feelings that build up and eventually harm the marriage. You want to feel that your spouse has really listened to your concerns, that your spouse cares about your feelings, and that your spouse is willing to try some new behaviors that will provide you the reassurance you need. You could also suggest that the two of you see a marriage counselor if the letter writing and talking don't accomplish what you want. If your spouse is still convinced that the only thing that needs to change is for you to be more accepting of the flirting behavior, then marriage counseling could help. When suggesting counseling, you might need to focus on wanting to get advice from the counselor to help you make the changes you need to. If you focus on wanting to get your spouse to a counselor so he or she will change, your attempts will probably fall flat. The bottom line is that spouses who love each other and are in a healthy marriage will want to listen to their partner, take their feelings into consideration, and take steps to improve communication and intimacy. Showing consistent disrespect and disregard for a partner's feelings and perceptions indicates there are serious marriage problems lurking beneath the excessive flirting behavior-and it's time to seek professional help. Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-author of the book Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says "I don't love you anymore!" This is available at http://www.KeepYourMarriage.com, where you can also sign up for the free weekly Keep Your Marriage Internet Magazine to get ideas and support for improving your marriage.
MORE RESOURCES:
|
|
|
|
RELATED ARTICLES
The Maid of Honor - Remember, It's All About the Bride! The term and role "Maid of Honor" is sometimes confusing, and desperately needs some clear definition! When a Bride is choosing who will be her MOH, she needs to think about who will offer her the support, the helping hand, and the positive attitude she will need on her wedding day and the months leading up to it.Traditionally, a MOH was a female, a sister or close girlfriend of the Bride. Top Ten Reasons to Plan a Destination Wedding You and the one you love are dreaming of an enchanted getaway, to do nothing less than tie the knot. Why should anyone want to go away, you say? Check out these reasons for taking a sandy route to the altar with a destination wedding. Wedding Anniversary Signature Frame - The Perfect Anniversary Gift! So you're having a wedding anniversary. Congratulations! It's quite a remarkable achievement in this day and age and whether you're celebrating a 10th, 25th, or 50yr anniversary each year marks a memorable milestone and deserves a special celebration. A Honeymoon Like No Other When it comes to choosing a honeymoon destination it's usually sandy beaches and blue waters here, a historical sight there, or a luxurious pampering from morning till night somewhere else.The other day, though, looking through the various web sites, I came across a honeymoon destination which must surely be the most unique of them all. Anniversary Gift Ideas: Sweet and Sexy Speaks Volumes There are many great options to consider for letting your significant other know how special they are. An Anniversary is a very special time in a couples' life, and merits much thought. Bridal Jewelry: Fulfilling a Wedding Tradition 'Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue.' This is a saying that many brides take to heart when considering their wedding trousseau. Wedding Shower Invitations: An Overview The purpose of a wedding shower is to celebrate the bride and provide her a moment to share with family and friends before the big day. Traditionally, the bridal shower is hosted by the maid-of-honor or the bridesmaids. Family Cycle (I) - Euphoric and Dysphoric Cycles in Marriage Despite all the fashionable theories of marriage, the narratives and the feminists, the reasons to engage in marriage largely remain the same. True, there have been role reversals and new stereotypes have cropped up. Mattresses and Marriage - a Match Made in Heaven Mattresses and marriage go hand in hand. Sleep is important to all of us, even the honeymooners. Tips for Choosing the Right Wedding The job of choosing the right wedding cake style is the responsibility of both the future bride and groom. The style of cake you'll choose will largely depend on the wedding theme and the size of the wedding. Let Your Wedding Flowers Speak the Language of Love Congratulations! You have found the man of your dreams and are getting married. What a wonderful time in your life - full of promise, hope, and happiness. Inside Secrets On How To Stay In Love My husband Bill and I have just had our 37th-wedding anniversary and our love is deeper today than when we got married. Whether you are in a relationship or looking for a relationship we trust that these few insights will help you to stay in love. Your Wedding Invitation's in the (e)Mail: Pros and Cons of the Virtual Wedding Invitation From purchasing the garter to choosing the photographer, brides (and grooms!) are online and as the Internet's many advantages have begun to permeate most every aspect of wedding planning, a single question has been popping up more and more: can I use the Internet for my wedding invitations? As a wedding website designer I've answered numerous emails from brides asking if an email announcement to visit their wedding website can not just supplement their wedding invitation but actually replace it. It's an interesting idea, one with the potential to save a great deal of time and money. Marriage: Where is the Fairy Tale? "Presently, 40% of all first marriages in this country end in divorce. 60% of all second marriages and 75% of third marriages fail as well. Theres More to Wedding Invitations Than You Might Think Everybody talks about wedding invitations, but what about all the other terms and items that are associated with them. Below are explanations of some of the more common terms and items that you'll probably encounter while shopping for your invitations. Alcohol and Wedding Receptions-Everything You Will Need to Know Sure you want your guests to enjoy themselves at your wedding reception, but if you don't want to break the bank or the law here's what you will need to know, including how to calculate how much to buy.Unquestionably, one of the hottest topics that must be dealt with when planning a wedding reception is whether to have an open bar or a cash bar. Choosing a Wedding Reception and Banquet Facility It's time to look for a banquet facility. Most clients end up deciding on a particular banquet facility for two specific reasons - they like how they were treated by the banquet sales staff and they fall in love with the facility when they walk through the doors. Create A Beautifull Wedding Album With A Simple And Fun Way Hi If you are getting married or have a Bar Bat Mitzvah or special event then you should read this article. Many times people who have an important event hire a photographer, videographer wedding consultants, and or coordinators, florists, lino service, ect. Las Vegas Hotel Weddings "Las Vegas hotel weddings give you tons of options. You can pick your setting - from the minimal downtown hotels to the lavish hotels on the strip; pick your city - from Venice to Paris, from Monte Carlo to good old New York; and pick your style - from tuxedoed, buttoned down formal to tie dyed, long haired sixties radical. Wedding Speeches Made Easy: Wedding Speech or Best Mans Speech Tips Have you ever had to give a wedding speech? As the groom or best man?Do you remember that feeling? A knot in the stomach, sweaty palmsand a panic attack!Not a very pleasant experience. And yet, I'm sure your wedding speech has the potential to be a great success because 90 % of a typical audience want the speaker to succeed.
|
| home | site map | contact us |
