Coffee Tips (and the Elimination Thereof)

I have recently become frustrated with something at doughnut establishments, and I'm not referring to the scones, although -- seriously -- just think about the writing possibilities if I were. Rather, it's the tip cup that bothers me...

To begin, I do realize that doughnut (or donut, take your pick) shops aren't the only places with these cups. But for the sake of this column, I need to be oblivious to all of the other ones in order to keep some sort of focus, so bear with me here...

Yogi: That's right, I am.

Smokey: Me too

At any rate, my first question is what we are tipping when we contribute extra change, sometimes even dollar bills, into the doughnut tip cup. Is it the way the employees stretch to grab the lemon-filled that is so challenging, or is coffee pouring more of an art than I thought it was? The thing is, I always end up tipping because it's become an obligation rather than a choice. Blood and jelly are the same color and I realize that...

Still, this tip cup could have its advantages. For example, doughnut establishments could use the money to fund research in the creation of new doughnuts. Personally, I'd like to know that my extra 15 cents per day was putting some college intern hard to work in order to find out if sprinkles really do taste better when they're multi-colored, or to see if crème mixed with pickle juice is such a bad idea after all. And then, when this research is complete (and thorough), I want to see my name somewhere on the official document...

Doughnut Shop Owner: Wait a minute, wait a minute -- you are getting way too carried away.

Greg: So are you. And it's about time someone stood up for the doughnut consumers of America.

Owner: That's ironic, considering most of them sit down.

Greg: True. But that's besides the point. I will only stop writing when you tell me why the tip cup is there.

Owner: I will, but I need you to keep this is a secret, okay?

Greg: Sounds good to me.

Owner: You see, we need advice -- like, really serious advice. And so we put that tip cup there hoping that we'd get it, and unfortunately people are missing the point.

Greg: Oh, I see. Well, I have some advice for you, sir.

Owner: Thank you, what is it?

Greg: Well, it'll cost you 50 cents...

But I digress.

Greg Gagliardi is a teacher and writer. His stream-of-consciousness weekly humor column, "Progressive Revelations," has been ongoing since 1998. (http://www.ProgressiveRevelations.com)