Depression Information

With the current interest in mental health topics, a mentalhealth language has emerged with words such asmanipulation, boundaries, limits, rescuing, dependence, andcodependence. Many people are unclear what these words meanwhen applied to relationships. I would like to bring someclarity to one of these terms - MANIPULATION - and how itrelates to the other terms mentioned above. Webster's New World Dictionary defines manipulation as:

"managing or controlling artfully or by shrewd use ofinfluence, often in an unfair or fraudulent way; to alteror falsify for one's own purpose."

In relationships, manipulation can be defined as:

any attempt to control, through coercion (overt or covert),another person's thoughts, feelings or behaviors.

From this definition, manipulation would seem to have noadvantages. However, if you are codependent and defined byothers, there can be many advantages. When you allow othersto control your thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and makedecisions for you,

-- you do not have to think for yourself;

-- you can avoid taking risks and making difficult decision;

-- you can avoid taking a stand on controversial issues;

-- you can avoid feeling responsible for negative outcomes;

-- you get to blame others when things go wrong;

-- you can believe, when others tell you how to behave, whatto think, how to feel and what to decide, that you are"being loved" because they "want what is best for you";

-- you can avoid feeling separate and alone by avoiding conflict;

-- you can avoid the hard work of emotional growth and development.

Appreciating the advantages of not being manipulated is toaccept the hard work of living and interacting with others.It is about being willing to grow and develop emotionally.These advantages can be that,

-- you learn to know who you are, what you like, what youthink, and how you feel;

-- you learn to make difficult decisions;

-- you get to take credit for your decisions;

-- you learn to handle risks and uncertainty;

-- you learn to handle differences and conflicts;

-- you get to be in control of your life and know thefreedom of personal self-reliance;

-- you get to have an increased sense of self worth byfeeling competent and capable of taking responsibility foryour life and personal happiness.

Manipulation is usually attempted using power, unsolicitedhelping, rescuing, guilt, weakness, and/or dependence, inorder to achieve a desired outcome. For example,

1) Power - physical, verbal, intellectual intimidation orthreats, put-downs, belittling, withholding of thingsneeded or wanted. The goal is to be in a "one up, I amright and you are wrong" position;

2) Unsolicited helping/rescuing - doing things for otherswhen they do not request it, want it, or need it; helpingothers so they become indebted, obligated, and owe you. Thegoal is to be in the "after all I have done for you, andnow you owe me" position;

3) Guilt - shaming, scolding, blaming others, attempting tomake others responsible, trying to collect for past favors.The goal is to be in the "it is all your fault," or "afterall I have done for you and now you treat me like this"position;

4) Weakness/dependence - being (or threatening to become)helpless, needy, fearful, sick, depressed, incompetent,suicidal. The goal is to confuse want with need, with themessage "if you do not take care of me, something bad isgoing to happen and it will be all your fault" position.

With manipulation, there is a physical and emotionalresponse, such as a heightened level of anxiety orirritation, although it may not be perceived as such.

Manipulation feels like a struggle or contest, not freecommunication. The reason is the manipulator is alwaysinvested in the outcome of a situation.

This is where boundaries differ from manipulation.Boundaries (or limits) are statements about our values andwhere we stand on issues. True boundaries are not threatsor about getting the other person to do what we want. Trueboundaries are not compromised by another's response.

For example, you discover that your spouse has lied to youand has run up a large gambling debt. You discover theproblem by chance, get financial and professional help andare back on track. However, there are new signs of trouble.It is time for some hard decisions.

- What is your bottom line?

- What will you tolerate?

- What manipulative tactics do you use to change yourspouse's behavior - check up on them constantly, bird-dogthem, never let them be alone, hide the credit cards, lieto your creditors, parents, and children? - How muchrescuing, guilt, power plays, threats, and protection doyou run on the gambler?

- At what point do you stop trying to change their behaviorand let them know your bottom line?

You cannot make them do or not do anything. You can onlylet them know what your position is and what you arewilling to do to protect yourself and those you areresponsible for.

The problem with loud, threatening bottom lines, is thatthey keep getting louder, more threatening, and redrawnlower and lower.

We tend to determine what our position and action is bywhat the other person does, instead of voicing our trueposition and then responding accordingly. This is the timefor tough decisions and actions.

In another example, a friend asks you for a ride to workbecause she is having car trouble. This is the time toestablish ground rules, such as, how long will she needyour help, pick up times, expense sharing, days off, etc. Aboundary or limit is set when you clearly let your friendknow what you are willing to do and not do.

Problems arise - she is frequently not on time morning andevening. Do you wait and be late, or do you leave her? Hercar has been in the shop six weeks because she cannotafford to get it out. She has not offered to help with theexpense, nor does she seem concerned about thearrangement.

Your friend is using weakness to manipulate and bedependent on you. She has transferred her problem to youand you have accepted it by rescuing and not settingboundaries or limits on your participation in her problem.If you refuse to wait when she is late and she has problemsas a result, she will blame you and try to make you feelguilty. What we really want are for others to beresponsible and play fair; however, when they do not, weeither have to set boundaries, or feel manipulated andvictimized with the accompanying advantages anddisadvantages.

Lastly, often we confuse UNDERSTANDING with AGREEMENT.

This is when people confuse their decisions with wantingthe recipient of a decision to like or agree with it. Whenwe make decisions that oppose the desires of others, thereis a cost. We usually attempt to minimize that cost byexplaining, in exhaustive detail, our rationale for thatdecision, somehow thinking if they could just understandour position, they would agree.

Applying that scenario to parent and child - if a parentmakes a decision based on the best interest of the child,it needs to be made separate from whether the child isgoing to like it. When a child knows it is important to theparent that they be happy with a decision, then it willnever be in the child's personal interest to be happy withan unwanted decision. If a child knows that their happinesswith a parental decision is of equal importance to thedecision itself, then all a child has to do is be unhappyin order to make their parent uncomfortable and doubt theirdecision -- after all, it is always worth a try. This samedynamic can apply to interactions among adults also.

How do we manage manipulation? By becoming more aware ofour interaction with others.

• Is the interaction an attempt to communicate or does itfeel like a contest?
• Are you beginning to feel anxious or irritated?
• Do you want to get out of the conversation?
• Does the interaction fit into a manipulative style?
• Is there an attempt to use power, service, guilt, orweakness to get your cooperation?
• Are you a willing participant in your own manipulation?
• Is it easier not taking responsibility?
• Are you attempting to manipulate others instead of settingclear boundaries?
• Are you making a distinction between a value and apreference?

Preferences can be negotiated, but values should not.

Our society does not deal well with differences in valuesand preference. We tend to take it as a personal affrontand insult when others disagree with us. We will avoidconflicts at all costs, because it feels like rejection.What we need is to communicate to others, clearly andcalmly, our values, preferences, and boundaries. We need tobe respectful and dedicated to listening, hearing andappreciating, if not understanding, how we all aredifferent.

Mary Treffert, LCSW, ACSW, is a Licensed, Clinical SocialWorker, who is an individual, couple, and family therapistin Baton Rouge, LA.http://www.www.victimbehavior.com/manipulation/